Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
A jump-lead walks into a bar.........The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Root 66 Woodshop
I've decided to become a Vegetarian but I'm only going to eat seafood.
This includes Lobsters, fish and drowned cows.
This includes Lobsters, fish and drowned cows.
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Frank Nesbitt
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend Retreat, Fred and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
[He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Fredleaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
Be-Ro, Isn't it?"
And thus began Fred's life of celibacy.
Good Luck...Quo Vadis..Frank[/font]
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend Retreat, Fred and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
[He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Fredleaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
Be-Ro, Isn't it?"
And thus began Fred's life of celibacy.
Good Luck...Quo Vadis..Frank[/font]
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Frank Nesbitt
My wife said she'd like something silky for her birthday.
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong chuffing colour for her!!!
Las Vegas and Sunderland don't have a lot in common but they are the only two places on Earth that you can pay for sex with chips.
Congratulations. You have won £250 worth of shopping vouchers or a night out at an Elvis Presley tribute night.
Press 1 for the money 2 for the show!!
Good luck..Quo Vadis..Frank
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong chuffing colour for her!!!
Las Vegas and Sunderland don't have a lot in common but they are the only two places on Earth that you can pay for sex with chips.
Congratulations. You have won £250 worth of shopping vouchers or a night out at an Elvis Presley tribute night.
Press 1 for the money 2 for the show!!
Good luck..Quo Vadis..Frank
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Nick Clegg walks into Nat West bank to cash a cheque.
He approaches the cashier and says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "I'm sorry, I did not bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was a need to. I am Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister and Leader of the Liberal Party !!!"
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Sir but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
On another occasion Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the Tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we knew him to be Andy Murray and cashed his cheque..
So, Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be in tens or twenties, Mr Clegg?"
He approaches the cashier and says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "I'm sorry, I did not bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was a need to. I am Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister and Leader of the Liberal Party !!!"
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Sir but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
On another occasion Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the Tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we knew him to be Andy Murray and cashed his cheque..
So, Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be in tens or twenties, Mr Clegg?"
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,
'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her
level, and says,
'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy
bwack wabbit, or one
like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees,
leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk.'
'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her
level, and says,
'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy
bwack wabbit, or one
like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees,
leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk.'
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Frank Nesbitt
Sex life and Coca-ColaTwo friends meet after many years ...
They talk about their past life ...
One asks the other:
- And how's your sex life?? ....
- As Coca-Cola .......
- Oh great! .... Full of bubbles, eh?! ....
- Nothing like that! ...
Before it was 'NORMAL',
Then it became 'LIGHT'
And now it is 'ZERO'!!
Couldn't get the picture of the three cans over , Sorry.Good Luck..Quo Vadis...Frank
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Frank Nesbitt
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will soon turn Seventy -One). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said
'Then, why do you even give a ****?'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will soon turn Seventy -One). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said
'Then, why do you even give a ****?'
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- Original Poster
- #214
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
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Frank Nesbitt
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian Gal are in the same bar
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces
'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer , throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The Canadian Gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
[
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In Canada, we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Canada !!
Good luck...Quo Vadis...Frank
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces
'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer , throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The Canadian Gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
[
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In Canada, we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Canada !!
Good luck...Quo Vadis...Frank
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To celebrate the Jokes thread being a sticky here one to keep it rollin
A robber walks into a bank. After he's cleared out all the money and the safe, he see's customers quivering in the corner.
He walks across to one of them and asks
"Did you see me robbing the bank"
"Yes the customer repled"
Robber shoots him dead.
He turns to a hubby and wife couple and asks the wife,
"What about you, did you see me rob the bank"?
"No she replied, but my husband did"!
A robber walks into a bank. After he's cleared out all the money and the safe, he see's customers quivering in the corner.
He walks across to one of them and asks
"Did you see me robbing the bank"
"Yes the customer repled"
Robber shoots him dead.
He turns to a hubby and wife couple and asks the wife,
"What about you, did you see me rob the bank"?
"No she replied, but my husband did"!
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says "Let's not be too harsh on them...they're bound to be curious about sex at that age"
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.
"He's taken her flippin' appendix out!"
Johnny's mother says "Let's not be too harsh on them...they're bound to be curious about sex at that age"
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.
"He's taken her flippin' appendix out!"
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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
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A number of members on an internet forum ask the owners to sticky useful threads for members to use as reference points. The owners agree that this might be a good idea.
So they sticky the jokes thread.
Boom boom
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Hope you all enjoy this.
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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A bloke is walking through the local graveyard one morning when he sees another bloke crouched down behind a tombstone.
"Morning!" Shouts the first bloke.
Second bloke says "No, just having a dump"
"Morning!" Shouts the first bloke.
Second bloke says "No, just having a dump"
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
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10 years, billions of dollars, thousands of soldiers dead, state of the art technology, but the US finally found Bin Laden.
In his house.
In his house.
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Knock,Knock.
who's there...........................................
Bin.
Bin who?
Bin and gone.
Again.
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
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The Commander of the US Seals, the US equivalent of our SAS, informed his men they had discovered were Bin Laden was hiding and the President had requested that they go to his house to have a quiet word with him.
During the helicopter flight out from Afghanistan to Pakistan, Patrick, a Seal from Boston, says to the squad leader "Why do you think the President wants us to have a quiet word with him".
The reply was: "He wants us to fit silencers to our guns".
During the helicopter flight out from Afghanistan to Pakistan, Patrick, a Seal from Boston, says to the squad leader "Why do you think the President wants us to have a quiet word with him".
The reply was: "He wants us to fit silencers to our guns".
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Frank Nesbitt
When I was a lad my dad would sit us inside of tyres and bowl us down a hill cause money was so short and we couldn't afford sideshows. But we had many a fine laugh and did enjoy it.
Aye, those were Goodyears...!!
Good Luck..Quo Vadis..Frank
Aye, those were Goodyears...!!
Good Luck..Quo Vadis..Frank
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This morning my wife, for no apparent reason, started to cry at the breakfast table. I said to her, over my cornflakes, "What's up?" "It's you," she said blubbing. "All you do is make fun of me, my size, my weight you are constantly ribbing me about my shape and always joking at every opportunity you get. It really upsets me. "So I gave her a big hug and said, "I'm sorry I don't mean those things I say, I love you the way you are."
After comforting her for a while, I said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take the morning off and take you shopping, how does that sound?" "That would be lovely," she replied. "OK shopping it is...Now hurry up and finish that bowl of plankton"
After comforting her for a while, I said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take the morning off and take you shopping, how does that sound?" "That would be lovely," she replied. "OK shopping it is...Now hurry up and finish that bowl of plankton"
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A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar...or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church
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Frank Nesbitt
I met this big breasted woman at a bar. After a few drinks she dragged me into the side alley with the promise that I could play with her massive mammarys. Just as we were twirling tongues she beat me to the ground and nicked my wallet...Yeah it was a booby trap.
Good Luck..Quo vadis...Frank
Good Luck..Quo vadis...Frank
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This is a customer review of Veet hair removal for men, posted on Amazon, I could only just finish reading because of the tears in my eyes from laughter...
'After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
'
'After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
'
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SO
Guy. are we going to have sex?
GIRL. yes
Ok.. lets go to my house, but i share a bunk bed with my brother, I have the top bunk so its ok, but he thinks we are making sandwiches, so the code is HAM for faster, Tomato for harder ok?
GIrl.. yes
HAM HAM TOMATO HAM...
LITTLE BROTHER... can you two stop making sandwiches you are getting mayo all over my bed
Guy. are we going to have sex?
GIRL. yes
Ok.. lets go to my house, but i share a bunk bed with my brother, I have the top bunk so its ok, but he thinks we are making sandwiches, so the code is HAM for faster, Tomato for harder ok?
GIrl.. yes
HAM HAM TOMATO HAM...
LITTLE BROTHER... can you two stop making sandwiches you are getting mayo all over my bed
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