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Nuno

Nuno

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  • #161
    Sorry if this is a repeat; I nicked it anyway, and vaguely think I nicked it from SirEarl.. Anyways, topical.

    Postie delivers one morning and Hubby opens up the package:

    "Yay!" he says to his wife, "I've got those Olympic condoms I ordered. Tonight I'm going to wear the Gold one!"

    "Don't do that" says the wife, "wear the Silver, come second for a change".
     
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  • #162
    Nuno said:
    Sorry if this is a repeat; I nicked it anyway, and vaguely think I nicked it from SirEarl.. Anyways, topical.

    Postie delivers one morning and Hubby opens up the package:

    "Yay!" he says to his wife, "I've got those Olympic condoms I ordered. Tonight I'm going to wear the Gold one!"

    "Don't do that" says the wife, "wear the Silver, come second for a change".
    Click to expand...

    Its when you wear the bronze one you want to worry.:eek:
     
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    RCHumphrey

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    Jul 15, 2012
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  • #163
    An Irishman walks out of a bar.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

    A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.
    "Long day?" the bartender asks.
    "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
     
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    slakeman

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    Nov 12, 2011
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  • #167
    ‎"Pastor Walters," announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figure out."

    "What's that Johnny?" asked Pastor Walters.
    "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
    "Right."
    ... "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
    "Er--right."
    "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
    "Again you're right."
    "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
    "All that is right, too," agreed Pastor Walters. "So what's your question?"
    "What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What was all the grown-ups doin?"
     
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    slakeman

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    Nov 12, 2011
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  • #168
    A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in 3rd grade. The boy said ‘‘madam, I should be in4th grade. I’m smarter than
    my sister and she is in 4th grade’’. The teacher had heard enough of his complains and took the boy to the principal’s office. She explained everything to the principal who decided to test the boy with questions the a 4th grade should know.
    Principal: what is 3+3
    Boy: 6
    principal:6+6
    Boy:12.
    The principal then asked the madam to take the boy to the 4th grade. The madam decided to ask some more question and the principal agreed.
    Madam: what does a cow have 4 of that I have 2 of?
    Boy:LEGS
    Madam: what is in your pants that I don’t have?
    Boy:pOCKETS
    Madam: what starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thick whitish liquid?
    Boy:COCONUT
    Madam: what goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
    The principal’s eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
    Boy:BUBBLEGUM
    Madam: you stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do?
    Boy: TENT .
    The principal was looking restless.
    Madam: a finger goes into me, you fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first, what am I?
    Boy: WEDDING RING.
    Madam: I come in different sizes, when I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
    Boy: NOSE
    Madam: I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver?
    Boy: ARROW
    Madam: what starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
    Boy: FORK
    Madam: what is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives his to his wife after marriage?
    Boy: SURNAME
    Madam: what part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins, like pumping and is responsible for making love?
    Boy: HEART.
    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: send the boy to university; I got the last 10 questions wrong my self!!!!
     
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  • #175
    "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!


    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
     
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    william04

    william04

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    Jun 25, 2012
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  • #177
    Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest.

    The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure."

    The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job."

    The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"
     
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    internetspaceships

    internetspaceships

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  • #178
    A guy emigrates to the UK and lands in Kings Cross station.

    As he gets off the train he sees a shiny ring on the floor. He picks it up and rubs it and a genie appears.

    "You have three wishes" he says. anything you like.

    The guy says "I want 50k per year tax free." The genie says "it's yours, and suddenly the guy has a pocket full fo money.

    The guy says "I want a £500k house, and all my family happy in it." Suddenly he's in a £500k house with his family all around him, all happy.

    The guys says "I want to be British." suddenly he's back in the station with no money and no house. He says to the genie "what happened?" To which the genue replied "You're British now, you get nothing."
     
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    internetspaceships

    internetspaceships

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    2,320
    York UK
  • #179
    A guy emigrates to the UK and lands in Kings Cross station.

    As he gets off the train he sees a shiny ring on the floor. He picks it up and rubs it and a genie appears.

    "You have three wishes" he says. anything you like.

    The guy says "I want 50k per year tax free." The genie says "it's yours," and suddenly the guy has a pocket full of money.

    The guy says "I want a £500k house, and all my family happy in it." Suddenly he's in a £500k house with his family all around him, all happy.

    The guys says "I want to be British." Suddenly he's back in the station with no money and no house. He says to the genie "what happened?" To which the genie replied "You're British now, you get nothing."
     
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    iArtist

  • #181
    The MOST annoying female Big Brother housemates ever..

    caroline2.png


    becky-bb1.png
     
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    PeopleWatcher

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    Jul 14, 2012
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  • #184
    In the USA it was the custom for Red Indian parents to name their child immediately after the birth by the father stepping outside the Teepee, and looking around him, and whatever he saw in the woods, fields or prairie that he liked or admired - well that was the name - chosen by nature in a way - that was given to the newborn child.

    The Apache Indian who gave me this information went on to say that this was the custom and it explained to whites how the following people were given the rather wonderful Red Indian names they bore: Sitting Bull, Running Deer, Crazy Horse, Howling Wolf, Red Eagle, Little Fish, Flying Hawk, Black Bear, he had a wholelist of names many of which I have now forgotten.

    When leaving him out of politeness I asked for his name which was: TWO DOGS SHAGGING.
     
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    KeithGreen

    KeithGreen

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    Jun 25, 2008
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  • #193
    The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

    Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
    to deliver the donkey the next day.
    The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
    news. The donkey's died.'

    Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

    Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

    The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

    Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

    Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

    A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened
    with that dead donkey?'

    Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
    a profit of £898'

    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

    Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

    Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
     
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  • #195
    Unbelievable!






    It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy


    Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2011


    * SEVENTH PLACE *


    Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


    Start scratching!


    * SIXTH PLACE *

    Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.


    Scratch some more...


    * FIFTH PLACE *

    Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burgled by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...


    Double hand scratching after this one.


    * FOURTH PLACE *

    Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.


    Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


    * THIRD PLACE *

    Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


    Only two more so ease up on the scratching...



    *SECOND PLACE*

    Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


    Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...


    * FIRST PLACE *

    This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
    Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!
     
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