Let get the jokes coming in

Subject: I'm 83 and Tired, take the time to read this
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Bill Cosby "I'm 83 and Tired"
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This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand and
to all the world...

"I'm 83 and I'm Tired"

I'm 83. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17.. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I
can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and
daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning
teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and
Shari'a law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let
Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques
and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,
UK , America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to
fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other
Arab country to teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens anearly 20's be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.
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[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Yes, I'm damn tired.[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] But I'm also glad to be 83.. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and their children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.


There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

This is your chance to make a difference.
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:):p:D



 
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.



A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.



Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.



Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.



Whose funeral is it?'



'My wife's.



''What happened to her?'



The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'



He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'



The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men..



'Can I borrow the dog?'



The man replied, 'Get in line.'
 
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Chap pops into the doctors

Yes, what can i do for you today? asked the Doctor

Its my heamorroids Doctor, won't stop itching, replied the patient.

Doctor said, ok i will give you something for it.

Oh i did not realise you bought ailments doctor, would you give me something for my migraine til payday? Retored the patient


____________________________________________-

A chap walks into a convenience store to buy some loo roll. He sees the store has three varieties.

The customer asks how much the expensive brand is.
Shop keeper replies, thats our expensive brand, £1.50 per roll.

Customer replies, thats a bit expensive, how about this one.

Storekeeper replies
Thats our shop bought brand, its £1.00 per roll and the most popular.

Customer asks, whats this one then?
Storekeeper replies, thats our unbranded bog roll, been sat there for weeks, 50 a roll if you want it.

Customers takes the unbranded, goes home then comes back to the store.

Shopkeeper,
Hello Sir, what can i do for you today?

Customer
Nothing, but i did come in regarding your unbranded look roll.

Storekeeper
A little concerned as he did not like giving refunds,.. er yes, what about it?

Customer,
Well i have a name for it, why not call it "John Waynes bogg roll"

Storekeeper replied
Interesting name for it why so?

Customer
Cos its Rough, tough, and takes s**t from noone!
 
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"How does Jeeto like being pregnant?" Santa asked his friend Banta.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," Banta replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Santa pressed.

"Well," Banta explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."
 
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A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says "Your qualifications are first-class but there is
one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues "Take this gun,
go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit."

The man says "Why the rabbit?"

"Fantastic attitude!" says the inspector. "When can you start?"

******************
The Inland Revenue decide to audit Cyril, summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Cyril arrives with his solicitor.
The auditor says: “Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.”

“I am a great gambler and can prove it,” says Cyril. “Would you like a demonstration?”

The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Cyril says: “I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: “It’s a bet.”

Cyril removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

“I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye,” says Cyril. The auditor can tell Cyril isn’t blind, so he accepts the bet. Cyril removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost £3,000, with Cyril’s solicitor as a witness; he gets very nervous. “Double or nothing?” Cyril says. “I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Cyril is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Cyril could do that, so he agrees again.

Cyril stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Cyril’s solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” asks the auditor.

“Not really,” says the solicitor. “This morning, when Cyril told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.”

************
It was Friday evening in Liverpool, and having just received their Dole cheque, Gaz and Baz were trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know," said Baz, "There's a great club in town we ought to try."
"What's it like?" asks Gaz.
"Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Wow!" said Gaz, "That sounds great. Have you been before?"
"No," said Baz, "but my sister has."

************
Malachy's wife was preggers. She started into craving this and that. Peanut butter and olives. Saltines and vermicelli. Liver and garlic. Malachy is constantly going to the store and fetching odd assortments of ingredients. She tells him she wants snails and cabbage. Honestly, snails and cabbage. Malachy shrugs on his coat and goes out to find such a thing.

He's passing the local. His friends call out to him. Malachy! Come in and wet your whistle, nothing more than that, surely. Malachy goes in. He comes up with an idea. Bet you can't guess what's in the bag, he says, to one innocent party after another. Put up a whiskey against what's in the bag. Who in God's green would figure Malachy would have a bag of snails?

Seven hours later, and somewhat the worse for wear, Malachy arrives home. He was hoping the light would be off, and he could sneak in, but nothing doing. He looks at the soggy, disreputable bag of snails he's got, pawed over by various and sundry personages, thinks the better of it, and dumps them in the gutter. Then he puts the key in the lock as quietly as a man three sheets can manage, but it's too late. His wife jerks the door open, takes one look at bleary-eyed Malachy, and wails,

"Malachy, where have you been! I've been starving here alone."
Malachy waves towards the snails in the gutter, and says,

"Come on, boyos; we're almost there!"



 
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Fifty Shades of Grey ..................

The missus bought a paperback down Asda, Saturday, I had a look in her bag;
T'was "Fifty shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it, at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread!
In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor, and then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week
Watching Doris bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse; When she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I must dominate her crater!!
Now if you knew our Doris, You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction for the last complaint I'd muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like; Bent forward just a bit,
I thought what the hell, stepped forward, and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"
Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair Turned "Fifty shades of Grey"
 
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THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.
(source facebook)


After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering "ooooohhh that feels good" Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status.so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect!
 
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Only in Britain - Complaints to the Council
Extracts from letters written by council tenants

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
 
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A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.​



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking....This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****​
 
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What's worse than child abduction? Jokes, apparently.

Sex is like riding a bike, I can't do it after 10 pints.

I've been grooming the dog for the last few nights.
Another couple of sessions and I reckon sex is definitely on the cards.
 
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what do you call a bee that cant make up its mind a maybe.

i went out with an air hostess once she was a plain looking girl.
 
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How do you make half a stone of fat look attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

Sick - you're a sick man ISS :)

A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?'
The vampire answered- I've found a used tampon and I'm making tea'.
 
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In the first 10 days of the Olympics the Romanians have taken gold, silver,
bronze, copper, lead, drain covers and anything else they can get their hands on.



Somalia has been thrown out of the Olympics. They didn't know that sailing
and shooting were two separate events!





As a way of apology to North Korea for displaying the South Korean flag at
the Olympic football, the team will be treated to an all you can eat buffet
at Battersea dogs home.




Is it just me or have you noticed how much these Chinese swimmers have come
on since the Morecambe Bay cockle picking accident.




First sailing results are in - Britain has taken gold, the USA have taken
silver and Somalia have taken a middle-aged couple from Weymouth.





Brazilian hurdlers were lucky; last time a Brazilian jumped a barrier in
London the police shot him

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"


His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid - Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
 
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Miscarriages of justice really worry me.

We had all that terrible stuff about the 'Guildford 4', along with the 'Birmingham 6'

The Dave Clark 5 must be Sh...ing themselves.
 
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Scottish Diplomacy



One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what He thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel Shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is Negative and make sure his nuts are wet.
 
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
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What's the main difference between a smart man and a stupid man?
Nothing. Both of them think they are fully aware everything.
 
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Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned".

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year. However, the
Tax Office sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: "List
All Dependents."

So, I replied: 150,000 illegal immigrants, 100,000 crack heads,
600,000 unemployable people living on welfare, 200,000 people in prisons.......

and.......

120 fools in Parliament ....

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....

So I sent it back with a question, "Did I forget someone?"
 
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Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned".

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year. However, the
Tax Office sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: "List
All Dependents."

So, I replied: 150,000 illegal immigrants, 100,000 crack heads,
600,000 unemployable people living on welfare, 200,000 people in prisons.......

and.......

120 fools in Parliament ....

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....

So I sent it back with a question, "Did I forget someone?"

Earl, you are posting some corkers! love it, will whack that on my FB page i think. :D
The irony is i would not put it past you to actually do it!
 
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Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned".

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year. However, the
Tax Office sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: "List
All Dependents."

So, I replied: 150,000 illegal immigrants, 100,000 crack heads,
600,000 unemployable people living on welfare, 200,000 people in prisons.......

and.......

120 fools in Parliament ....

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....

So I sent it back with a question, "Did I forget someone?"

yep - the other 530 MPs.
 
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On January 9, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a tall bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
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The SOUTH AFRICAN Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep a lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from ZIMBABWE. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or the SOUTH AFRICAN Border Patrol.

carpatrol.gif

 
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A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.

Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.

A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.

"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."

"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
 
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