Let get the jokes coming in

[simon field]

Yeah I had a mate of mine drown in a bowl of muesli yesterday.

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

 

[MBE2017]

Heard from a friend in Egypt that due to the pandemic many in the city of Cairo fear to go outside, which is stopping normal life from resuming. Their Government has come up with the novel idea of taxi drivers sounding their horns regularly during the day.the hope is gearing familiar sounds will relax people and speed up the recovery back to normal.

Operation toot and calm them starts from tomorrow for a week.

 

[Financial-Modeller]

Heard from a friend in Egypt that due to the pandemic many in the city of Cairo fear to go outside, which is stopping normal life from resuming. Their Government has come up with the novel idea of taxi drivers sounding their horns regularly during the day.the hope is gearing familiar sounds will relax people and speed up the recovery back to normal.

Operation toot and calm them starts from tomorrow for a week.

Apparently the government asked members of the public to spread news of the idea by telling at least two other people...

 

[MBE2017]

Debt collection advice film, seems to work.

 

[Financial-Modeller]

I felt that this deserved recognition here...

Hi,
I was wondering what other people in this business do during the winter months,

Banks and Post Offices mainly for me!

 

[TopSpek]

My cheque is perfectly good, but if I sign it, it won't be any good! (Groucho Marx)

 

[VQKLX4EIBM]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

 

[MBE2017]

I don’t know if this is a scam or not, but I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show.


It said:


"Press 1 for the money,


2 for the show..."

 

[Porky]

A new anti-depressant drug has been released today specifically to treat lesbians.

Its called Trycoxagain

 

[MBE2017]

I was just asked to describe myself in three words at a job interview.

I answered, “Not very good at maths”

 

[simon field]

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with the 60’s pop group The Monkees.

At first I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face.

 

[Financial-Modeller]

@Gordon - Commercial Finance secretly owns a collection of Teslas.

 

[Gordon - Commercial Finance]

@Gordon - Commercial Finance secretly owns a collection of Teslas.

Best joke we've had on 44 pages of this thread!

 

[AllUpHere]

@Gordon - Commercial Finance secretly owns a collection of Teslas.

I don't believe you. Never in the history of motoring has anyone ever lied about owning a Ford Ranger. Well, I suppose a few who actually owned them may have tried to pretend they didn't.

 

[Gordon - Commercial Finance]

I don't believe you. Never in the history of motoring has anyone ever lied about owning a Ford Ranger. Well, I suppose a few who actually owned them may have tried to pretend they didn't.

Truest thing you’ve ever said I think!

 

[MBE2017]

My neighbour is fuming, his four year old has been learning Spanish and still can't say the word please after three months.

Which I think is poor for four.

 

[MBE2017]

An old friend just got fired from his job at the local calendar company, just for taking a day off.

 

[MBE2017]

My wife’s best friend is unhappy with her latest cosmetic surgery, feels it has been done badly. If anyone knows a good solicitor who works on a no win no fee basis let her know, she is all ears.

 

[Bob Morgan]

My wife’s best friend is unhappy with her latest cosmetic surgery, feels it has been done badly. If anyone knows a good solicitor who works on a no win no fee basis let her know, she is all ears.

I might have just the chap! - Is he good? - So good, that he got Stevie Wonder off a Drink Driving Charge!

 

[Bob Morgan]

He also has experience of Cosmetic Surgery too. Specifically, a case relating to Barry Manilow's Nose Surgery! Damages and Costs were awarded to Manilow, together with additional compensation required to change the lyrics of a Manilow song . . .

"I can't smell without you!"

 

[Bob Morgan]

Wearing a CONVID-1984 Face Mask makes my glasses steam up! - Am I entitled to CONDENSATION from the manufacturer?

 

[MBE2017]

Summer is my favourite day in Scotland.

 

[Bob Morgan]

Q: Why has Trump not left The White House?
A: Because it's For biden!

 

[STDFR33]

I tried to warn my now deceased son about the dangers of Russian Roulette but it went in one ear and out the other.

 

[STDFR33]

As the burglar entered the darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes... ...and then let the cat do the rest.

 

[STDFR33]

Boris is gutted about Trump losing the Presidency. Because now he's moved into the no1 spot as the world's most stupid leader.

 

[MBE2017]

Considering this is a business forum, this might be worth thinking about possible consequences for your own business as an employer......

Breaking News:-


As sacked vegan sues for discrimination in landmark case, bosses say he kept demanding a bigger celery.

 

[Financial-Modeller]

Daily MAsh article, titled: Mum launches business inspired by wanting to get away from her children

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news...-to-get-away-from-her-children-20201216203558

 

[MBE2017]

A good friend of mine has just walked out on his managerial position at the local Helium manufacturer after 20 years of service. He said he had never been spoken to like that elsewhere.

 

[Jyothi Tulasi]

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

 

[MBE2017]

It might be due to the lockdown, but it’s very quiet in my town. Went for a walk and no one was around, but I did see an Apple pie, an ice cream sundae and a slice of cheesecake.

The streets are strangely desserted.

 

[Irontoe]

I’ve taken up snail racing during lockdown. I took the shell off one to see if he’d go faster but if anything it’s made him more sluggish..

 

[MBE2017]

Called the stop smoking help-line and got an automated answer machine.

If you smoke cigarettes press 1

If you smoke cigars, press 2

if you smoke a pipe press 3

If you smoke anything stronger, press #

 

[SEO Lady]

Husband: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
Me: They're for the dogs.

Husband: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Me: They don't know how.

 

[MBE2017]

 

[MBE2017]

Had an appointment with my doctor, finally, after waiting several weeks. Explained I was moody, grumpy, argumentative and it was causing problems with the Mrs, particularly if I missed breakfast.

He has diagnosed myself as suffering a medical condition, lack toast intolerant.

 

[simon field]

Same doctor as me then. Mine reckons I’ve got a phobia about German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

 

[Clinton]

An infectious disease walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "We don't serve infectious diseases here".

The infectious disease replied, "You're not a very good host".
---
A room temperature super conductor walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "We don't serve room temperature superconductors here".

The room temperature superconductor left without any resistance.
----
A neutrino walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "We don't serve neutrinos here".

The neutrino replied, "I'm just passing through".
----
Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar.

And didn't walk into the bar.

 

[MBE2017]

Greggs is planning to sell their products with delivery by drones, sounds like pie in the sky to me.

 

[mattk]

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol