Let get the jokes coming in

[KeithGreen]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

[hassel67]

What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

 

[Nuno]

 

[slakeman]

Wife treats hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday.....

At the lap dancing club, the Doorman says, Hi Dave how`s tricks? Wife asks, how does he know u? Dave says, er, I play footy with him...
Inside, the barman says, usual Dave? Dave says, before you say anything, he`s on the darts team in me local pub.
Next a lapdancer says Hi Dave, d`ya want the special again? Wife storms out dragging Dave with her and jumps in a taxi.
Driver says ****in' hell Dave you`ve pulled a right minger this time!

 

[hassel67]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter.
They start talking to the man.
"Hey, you're looking pretty hot tonight," they say.
The man thinks it's a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot.
He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins.
As he is getting the money, the machine says: "You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life."
The man doesn't feel good anymore. He thinks: "Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I'm hallucinating."
So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: "What's up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I'm hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What's going on?!"
"Well," says the bartender. "The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order."

 

[Steve Sellers]

A German walks into a library,

"I'd like to borrow a book on world war." He asked.

"No, **** off," said the librarian. "You lost the last two!"

 

[Nuno]

A man walks into a library.

"I'd like to borrow a book on suicide", he asked.

"**** off." said the librarian, "you won't return it"



(Sorry if this is a repeat. Can't be arsed to trawl the thread to check.)

 

[ckelly10]

A magic tractor drove down a road and turned into a field....

*think about it*

ps. I know its bad but it always makes me laugh.

 

[hassel67]

A boy is born with no body. No arms, no legs. He’s just a head.
On his 18th birthday his dad takes him down to the pub for his first pint and he takes a sip and suddenly, woosh, out pops his torso.
And everyone in the bar says, go on, take another sip, so he does and suddenly, woosh, out pop his two arms.
Then he takes his third sip and suddenly, woosh, out pop his two legs.
And he’s so excited that he runs out into the street, straight into the path of an oncoming truck and, bang, he’s killed instantly.
And the barman says to his dad, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

 

[cariman]

A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

 

[hassel67]

Teacher: Now class, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?
Class: At once!

 

[Root 66 Woodshop]

Teacher: Now class, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?
Class: At once!

 

[hassel67]

A woman is on trial for shoplifting. She is sitting in the courtroom next to her husband.
The judge says to her, “I’m going to have to make an example of you, what did you steal?”
She says, “I stole a can of peaches.”
The judge asks, “How many peaches were there in the can?”
“Five,” she answers.
The judge says, “I’m going to give you five years.”
The woman starts to cry.
And suddenly her husband jumps up and says, “Your honour, last week she stole a can of peas!”

 

[mikeee741]

Nice jokes....
Lol

 

[hassel67]

What did the light bulb say to the light switch?
You really turn me on.

 

[simon field]

I've got a new job cleaning a crime scene for a small pop star.

I'm dusting for Prince.

 

[simon field]

Nintendo are to release a new game about a young Scottish kid who steals, fights and swears a lot.

Wii Basterd will be out in time for Christmas...

 

[daisyrogers]

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.


"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.


The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."


The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."


"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

[hassel67]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a shop window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said she didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
Then the driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For the last 25 years I have been driving a hearse."

 

[KeithGreen]

A magic tractor drove down a road and turned into a field....

Why did the scarecrow win a prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

 

[Nuno]

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to 'Goldman Sachs'!

(via Quora)

 

[Nuno]

What did the Buddhist say to the tofu hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a twenty dollar bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

**********

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

****************


"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"


***********************


A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make us happy and sad all at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

************

enough already..

 

[Steve Sellers]

I rang my girlfriend up and said "Surprise, I'm coming to get you and take you up the aisle"

Don't know what she was expecting, but she looks a right **** in a wedding dress pushing a shopping trolley around Asda!

-----------------------

Went for an interview on a building site today.

The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"

I said, "Yes I can make tea."

He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"

I said, "How big's the ****ing teapot?"

---------------------------------------------

"I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays'

 

[slakeman]

A man once asked Winston Churchill, "Mr Prime Minister, how do you stay so fit?" To which he replied, "By going to the funerals of my once athletic friends".

 

[hassel67]

Question: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

 

[slakeman]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire

A drunk, with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.

He was given a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "Correct," said the boss.

Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels." "Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the work office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who the father is." The director collapsed.

 

[hassel67]

Question: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
Answer: Cut the rope.

 

[Leather Briefcase Company]

For a really funny experience search
Japan World Cup 3 video.
G'teed to have you in stitches!

 

[hassel67]

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

 

[LindaH2]

The jokes here made my day!

 

[bizPageDirectory]

Hello Member,
A boy says to girl that i love you very much. then the girl say suppose if i dies then you will love me or not. The boy says then i will love you more even you cannot imagine. The girl says then give me excess or lots of love. the boy says first you have to die.

Thanks

 

[MikeJ]

It's the way he tells 'em.

 

[simon field]

I'm gonna repeat that one in the pub later - guaranteed laughs :|

And who are you calling a member, eh you Hampton?

 

[Steve Sellers]

A blond woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,

they're the stickers off the bananas"

-----------------

Mesut Ozil said he joined Arsenal to win trophies, good to see a German with a sense of humour..............

----------------------------------

After a serious night out on his stag do I went round to see my mate Dave the next day.

"**** me" he said "after all that curry and beer last night I feel like ive been battered for 12 rounds in the ring with George whats his name..."

"George Forman you mean?" I asked

"No not Forman, George Michael. My ********s killing me."

 

[Steve Sellers]

Watching an England match is like attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Boring and no chance of any shots.

----------------------------------------------

Mesut Ozil has claimed Arsenal can win the title.

That's not as unbelievable as it sounds, the women's team's pretty good.

 

[Steve Sellers]

My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"

I replied, "I'm driving."

--------------------------------------

"Dad," said my teenage son, "I'm going to a party tonight?"

"Hmm," I said, "will you be drinking alcohol?"

"No," he said.

"Will you be taking drugs?"

"No, certainly not!"

"Will there be any gang bangs?"

"No, there will not!"

"Then," I said, puzzled, "why the **** do you want to go to a party?"

---------------------------------------

My wife said to me today, "My body is a temple."

I replied, "****ing shame it's ancient and in ruins."

--------------------------------------------

 

[Steve Sellers]

I rang 999 because two girls were fighting over me...the operator asked "What is the Emergency?"

I said "The fat one's winning"

---------------------------------------------

When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."

But when I do it,

I'm, "an alcoholic."

 

[centralbusiness]

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"

 

[Psl]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon?
Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother! says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I”?

 

[Psl]

EVER WONDER ......

Why chemists make the sick walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of newsagents?

Why people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why they have drive-up cash machines with Braille lettering.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?