Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
Ron Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with PETROL
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying BRITISH JOB.
At the end
of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(Made In Malaysia ),
Ron decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered
why he can't find
a good paying job
in BRITAIN ......
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with PETROL
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying BRITISH JOB.
At the end
of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(Made In Malaysia ),
Ron decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered
why he can't find
a good paying job
in BRITAIN ......
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He Said To Me!
(1) He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
(2) He said to me .... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
(3)He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ....... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
(4)He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
(5)He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
(6)He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
(7)He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
(1) He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
(2) He said to me .... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
(3)He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ....... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
(4)He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
(5)He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
(6)He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
(7)He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social** Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten* disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
(I've been reading these at a blog, just google "and then the fight started")
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten* disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
(I've been reading these at a blog, just google "and then the fight started")
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T
trebor8
Just got back from school. Sat down for dinner with my Dad and made an almighty confession
Me: 'Dad, I let 3 girls perform fellatio on me today
Dad: 'Son, this is not the first time is it?'
Me: 'No Dad, it's happened on a few occasions'
Dad: 'Son, do you think a career as a teacher is right for you'
Me: 'Dad, I let 3 girls perform fellatio on me today
Dad: 'Son, this is not the first time is it?'
Me: 'No Dad, it's happened on a few occasions'
Dad: 'Son, do you think a career as a teacher is right for you'
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Male Logic
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
I'm sure you're going back to read this again.
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
I'm sure you're going back to read this again.
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T
trebor8
This is not a joke, actually happened, but I think is quite funny.
I was out the other night, got talking to a woman and we hit it off.
At the end of the night, she whispered in my shell like: "Do you want to come back to mine for a coffee?"
Me: "I don't drink coffee, do you have anything a bit stronger"
DOH.:redface:
I was out the other night, got talking to a woman and we hit it off.
At the end of the night, she whispered in my shell like: "Do you want to come back to mine for a coffee?"
Me: "I don't drink coffee, do you have anything a bit stronger"
DOH.:redface:
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
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The Government has just sent an official letter to the Thatcher residence.
It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms..."
It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms..."
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"I was out with my wife at a very nice Thai restaurant.
We're sitting there,ploughing through the wine, everything's going fine, apart from I just can NOT stop hiccuping.
It's really distracting, and starting to wear
very thin indeed. We're trying to make light of
the fact I've sounded like a broken record for
... 20 minutes when the waitress comes over, 'Sir.
Your girlfriend's outside. She told me to tell you
that she's pregnant.' I looked at the waitress.
I looked at my wife. I looked again at the
waitress, growing ever more mortified. I looked
at my wife, with a 'I SERIOUSLY have no
idea what's going on here' look on my face. I'm
just about to say something when the waitress
gets in before me: 'There you go Sir. No more
hiccups, enjoy the rest of your meal', smiles and walks off."
We're sitting there,ploughing through the wine, everything's going fine, apart from I just can NOT stop hiccuping.
It's really distracting, and starting to wear
very thin indeed. We're trying to make light of
the fact I've sounded like a broken record for
... 20 minutes when the waitress comes over, 'Sir.
Your girlfriend's outside. She told me to tell you
that she's pregnant.' I looked at the waitress.
I looked at my wife. I looked again at the
waitress, growing ever more mortified. I looked
at my wife, with a 'I SERIOUSLY have no
idea what's going on here' look on my face. I'm
just about to say something when the waitress
gets in before me: 'There you go Sir. No more
hiccups, enjoy the rest of your meal', smiles and walks off."
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T
trebor8
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and
presents her to the girl,who immediately proceeds to give the baby a Good slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and
presents her to the girl,who immediately proceeds to give the baby a Good slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
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With a lot of research, the UK immigration officers have come up with the most foolproof plan ever to ensure that the immigrants to the country are culturally, economically and educationally compatible.
It ensures greater harmony, seamless integration and lasting peace in the country.
It's called "the bacon sandwich test".
It ensures greater harmony, seamless integration and lasting peace in the country.
It's called "the bacon sandwich test".
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Quite if you can't afford one of these you don't get in.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/11/most-expensive-bacon-sandwich_n_2663780.html
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T
trebor8
Do you know ????????????
Why Men die before Women !!!!!!!!!!!
See these with proof
Proof 1 :
Proof 2 :
Proof 3 :
Proof 4 :
And That's reality
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to
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