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Comic Relief: Are entrepreneurs funnier than accountants?

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DanMartin

DanMartin

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May 14, 2007
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Bristol
With Red Nose Day 2009 just around the corner, our friends over at AccountingWEB.co.uk are encouraging accountants to share their best jokes. But I know you entrepreneurs can do better!

So come on business owners, post your jokes below and let's show those accountants what a real sense of humour is! :)
 
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.[/FONT]
 
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I know I'm supposed to be impartial, but since Dan's on your side, I'm afraid I have to go with the accountants. Poor show so far you guys!

You've got to do better than this if you want to keep up with us!

Now get on here and make us laugh!!

Here's a gem from our side:
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? Apparently he couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a pencil. (Budge it...get it?!)
 
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Shamelessly stolen and adapted from a website....

Dan Martin and Darren Falkingham go on a camping trip. After hiking for several miles, they set up their tent in a field and fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Darren is suddenly awoken by Dan, who is shaking him. "Darren?" Dan inquires in an agitated tone, "Look up at the sky and and tell me what you see." Tired and irritated, Darren replies: "I see millions and millions of stars." Dan, obviously an aspiring Sherlock Holmes, continues: "Right - and what do you deduce from that?" Darren rubs his eyes and sits up: "Well, if there are millions of stars, I suppose there are millions of planets and maybe other forms of life out there." "No, you idiot," complains Dan. "It means someone has stolen our tent."
 
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David from Farrant Frost (an accountant) and is wife (a lawyer) are out for a walk in the woods (presumably near their castle in Scotland) when suddenly they stumble across a man eating tiger (escaped from the zoo).

Quick as a flash, David's wife starts changing into her trainers.

"What are you doing Dearest?" asks David. "You can't out run that tiger".

"I know" says the wife. "I just have to out run you...".
 
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Zeno said:
David from Farrant Frost (an accountant) and is wife (a lawyer) are out for a walk in the woods (presumably near their castle in Scotland) when suddenly they stumble across a man eating tiger (escaped from the zoo).

Quick as a flash, David's wife starts changing into her trainers.

"What are you doing Dearest?" asks David. "You can't out run that tiger".

"I know" says the wife. "I just have to out run you...".
Click to expand...

Loved it! But surely this has to be a vote for the Accountant's humour and not the Entrepreneurs one? Dan, take note!!

bobterry said:
What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Click to expand...

Don't you mean a Tax Inspector???? ;)
 
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Got the guys that work for me in the office on the case also:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 
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Jenni384, Nicola HJ and Elaine are all being interviewed by Estwig for the position as his new accountant.

Elaine is up first and goes into the office. "How much is 1 + 1?" asks Estwig. "2" answers Elaine. Estwig shakes her hand and thanks her for coming in.

Nicola is up next and gets asked the same question. "Well" says Nikki, all out to impress, "It could be 2 or it could be 11 depending on how you add it". Estwig shakes her hand and thanks her for coming in.

Finally, Jenni gets called into the office. When Estwig asks her the same question, he is confused when she gets up and checks there is no-one at the door before going over the the window and closing the blinds. She then turns to him and says in a low voice "How much do you want it to be?".

Estwig signs Jenni's engagement letter...
 
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Apparently, when Gillie was at school, she had to attend RE lessons with an avid Christian teacher. In one lesson, the teacher offered £50 to the child who could name the greatest person who ever lived.

Tommy Smith replied, "Churchill - because he saved us in WWII".
Rahul Patel replied, "Gandhi - because he practised non-violence".
Sean O'Connell replied, "The pope - because he leads the church."
Gillie shocked everyone (she still has that knack): "Jesus - because he was the son of God."

"Well done, Gillie," replied the RE teacher, and gave her a hundred 10-shilling notes.

At the end of the lesson, Eran Cohen rushed up to her: "Gillie, do you really believe that Jesus was the greatest person who ever lived?"

"Of course not!" replied Gillie. "It was Moses." Pocketing her money, she added, "but business is business."
 
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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

:)
 
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Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year

Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses

:)
 
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How did I miss this thread!!!?

Okay, here's a pun for you...

An lawyer and his Czech accountant are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly, two humongous, wild, and extremely hungry bears run out of the woods, and the male instantly devours, in one gulp, the accountant.

The lawyer, in a panic, runs all the way back into town, notifies the sheriff, who, grabbing his gun and his assistant, make their way back into the forest.

They find the male and female bears in the same spot, and the lawyer, pointing a shaking finger at the male bear, says, "That's the one - he's the one that ate my Czech accountant!"

The sheriff raises his rifle, points it at the male bear, but then at the last moment, swivels his rifle, and shoots the female bear!

"Why on earth did you do that?!" his assistant yells.

"Well, would you believe a lawyer that told you that the Czech was in the male?"

[PS - Sorry for hijacking this thread - but don't forget to check out this thread too! Thanks]
 
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A friend of mine walked into a pub. Feeling peckish and seeing that food was being served, he shouted over to the barman, "I'd like to order a Steak and kiddleye pie please barman". The barman turned to my friend and replied, "You just said Kiddleye", My friend replied, "Diddleye"?!
 
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.':D
 
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We have now secured a judge for the Entrepreneurs v Accountants Joke Challenge. We'll send her all the jokes on UKBF and AccountingWEB.co.uk and she will come up with a top 10. The camp with the most jokes will win. You have until 5pm this afternoon to make sure your joke is included so get posting!
 
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You've put up a great fight so far entrepreneurs, I'll give you that. But you've got a long way to go if you think you can beat my accounting lot!

We've now got to pass on all the jokes to an impartial judge who will decide which side wins.



You have 1 hour 10 minutes to do your best (or your worst!) before we close it off and submit your gags at 5pm.



You're going down entrepreneurs...down to China town! We're going to wipe the floor with you! My mamma didn't raise no fool! (I'm so getting into this trash talk!)


My point is - make us laugh!
 
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A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?" The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
 
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How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.
 
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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You *******!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f**king *******!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Teddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Teddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that *******. And every time I asked to borrow a f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
 
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