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A salesman is traveling through the countryside when his satnav breaks down. He decides he well and truly is lost so he calls at a farmhouse to ask directions.

The salesman knocks at the door of the farmhouse and while he is waiting for an answer he sees a three-legged pig limping about the farmyard. He thinks poor pig it must have got itself caught in some farmyard machinery. When the farmer comes to the door, he is only too happy to give the salesman direction.

After giving the salesman directions, the farmer sees the salesman looking at the three-legged pig and says: "Ooh arr, I see thee looking at the pig. He is a great pig and no mistaking. I will tell thee the story of that there pig".

The salesman looks interested and the farmer continues: "The wife and me were in bed and we hear pig scraping at the door. I tells the wife that there pig will have to go if he cannot behave itself. We hear the pig again and I throw a shoe at the door and shouts at the pig for creating such a disturbance. After getting back to our sleep, then weren't were woken up just before the cock crows by the Fire Brigade and there wasn't the house on fire? Well we had some luck and no mistake. Well didn't pig raise the alarm? Didn't he get on that there telephone contraption and get fire brigade out and save us from certain death? Marvellous is that pig. Best in the world. Saved me and the missus from an early grave".

The salesman is impressed with the story and marvels, along with the farmer, at the abilities of the pig and is touched by the love the pig must have for the farmer and his good wife. Then he asks the farmer "I hope you do not mind me asking something about the pig" The farmer says "No young fella, you go ahead". The salesman asks "why has the pig got three legs?". The farmer says "Ooh arr, with a pig as good as that, thee don't want to eat it all at once"
 
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A political party has to choose between 2 candidates for the position of office technical assistant.

Candidate A has a terrible short term memory while Candidate B has a terrible long term memory.

Human resources decides that this being the Conservative Party it'd be far less incriminating to employ Candidate B to clear the browser history of MP's.
 
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I hear there is a big debate over this time changing mullarkey that happens twice a year.

At this time of year it means that we get one hour less daylight in the evenings. I call it daylight robbery!
 
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Tolstoy was a great pacifist and was once lecturing on the need to be nonresistant and nonviolent towards all creatures. Someone in the audience responded by asking what should be done if one was attacked in the woods by a tiger. Tolstoy responded, "Do the best you can. It doesn't happen very often."
 
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
 
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They say if you can make a woman laugh, you're half way there...

But it's hell keep dragging round this cylinder of laughing gas.
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A friend of mine has been caught stealing from roadworks again.

When the police raided his house they said the signs were all there :D
 
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up
 
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Government Pipe Specifications.

  1. All pipes are to be made of a large hole surrounded by metal or plastic around the hole.

  2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes that are different length than the pipe.

  3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipes must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter), otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

  4. All pipes are to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside later.

  5. All pipes should be supplied without rust. This can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes if required in your area. This will save time on the job site if used.

  6. All pipes over 500 feet (153 meters) in length should have the words ‘Long Pipe’ clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 Kilometer), must have the words ‘Long Pipe’ in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine if it is a long or short pipe.

  7. All pipes over 60 inches (152mm) in diameter must have the words ‘Large Pipe’ painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

  8. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts around the edge, separate from the big hole in the middle.
 
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Asked the woman I love out on a date 20 years ago today, ten years ago today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.
 
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A keen naturalist visiting Australia lands at the airport, jumps in a Taxi and is barely outside the perimeter fence when he's dumbstruck by his first sighting of a kangaroo..

'Hell' he said, 'I never expected to see a Kangaroo in such a heavily built up area!!'

'That's no Roo' said the driver, it's a Greyhound having a sxxx!:rolleyes:
 
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A friend of mine recently has been dismissed for sleeping with a patient, a careless one off mistake. I understand there needs to be rules, but seven years of training wasted, hundreds of hours of studying, thousands of pounds spent on that wasted training, and now unable to carry on in their chosen career.

Worst of all he was a damn fine veterinarian.
 
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My youngest daughter, a university student in her last year is taking part in a social experiment, in which she has to wear an "I love Jeremy Corbyn" hat.

So far she’s been punched, kicked, spat at and slapped. She also had a bottle thrown at her last night whilst dancing.

I'm curious to see what the reaction will be when she wears it outside the home.
 
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I prosecuted a woman who stole £1000 worth of Botox from a surgery she worked in, for her personal use

I watched as she showed no emotion in court


I am worried about a good friend who has started to drink brake fluid. He says not too worry and he can stop anytime.
 
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