what do you call a man with a seagull on his head......
Cliff............
oh those timeless old classics eh!!
Cliff............
oh those timeless old classics eh!!
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Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
A programmer's wife tells him to go to the grocery store and buy some bread and if they have eggs, buy a dozen. The programmer came home with 12 loaves of bread.
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A guy is sat quietly reading his Sunday newspaper one day when his wife suddenly hits him over the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he shouts.
His wife says, "I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name "Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?"
The guy says, "Oh, don't worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my friends the other week. Marylou was the name of the horse I was backing."
Satisfied, his wife returns to the laundry but a few minutes later she comes running back into the room and hits her husband over the head with the frying pan again.
"What was that for?" he shouts.
His wife says, "Your horse just called."
"What was that for?" he shouts.
His wife says, "I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name "Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?"
The guy says, "Oh, don't worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my friends the other week. Marylou was the name of the horse I was backing."
Satisfied, his wife returns to the laundry but a few minutes later she comes running back into the room and hits her husband over the head with the frying pan again.
"What was that for?" he shouts.
His wife says, "Your horse just called."
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The recent survey on cigarettes found that 90% of the men who tried Camels.........still prefer women.
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What'd you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What'd you call a guy with a shovel on his head?
Doug
A lady went into the Dr's, Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair or curtains.
The Doctor replies, 'pull yourself together!'
Cliff.
What'd you call a guy with a shovel on his head?
Doug
A lady went into the Dr's, Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair or curtains.
The Doctor replies, 'pull yourself together!'
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree--I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on the 1st date.
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You know you are Bulgarian when...
– Duck tape is your father's only tool next to using a kitchen knife as a
screwdriver.
– There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local bar.
– Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.
– You don't want to have or do any business with Bulgarians.
– Duck tape is your father's only tool next to using a kitchen knife as a
screwdriver.
– There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local bar.
– Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.
– You don't want to have or do any business with Bulgarians.
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Hahahahahah I'm dying XD
Thanks mate!
It makes my day!
I don't know why is so hilarious to me XD
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An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.” The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”
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G
globalyurtdisi
THE BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found ten dollars and decided to give them to whoever tells the biggest lie."
The teacher gets angry and says, "You should be ashamed of yourselves. When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found ten dollars and decided to give them to whoever tells the biggest lie."
The teacher gets angry and says, "You should be ashamed of yourselves. When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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G
globalyurtdisi
My best joke is ever, lol.
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman.
The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink.”
The Englishman drank gratefully. “But don’t you want one, too?” he asked the Scotsman.
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police have gone.”
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman.
The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink.”
The Englishman drank gratefully. “But don’t you want one, too?” he asked the Scotsman.
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police have gone.”
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A couple have an almighty row, and don't speak to each other for the rest of the evening. As they are going to bed, the man hands his wife a note that says "Wake me up at 6:30am tomorrow, as I have to leave early."
The next morning, the man wakes up and sees it's 7:15! He can't understand why his wife didn't wake him. As he gets up, he sees a note from his wife saying "WAKE UP! IT'S 6:30!"
The next morning, the man wakes up and sees it's 7:15! He can't understand why his wife didn't wake him. As he gets up, he sees a note from his wife saying "WAKE UP! IT'S 6:30!"
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I was in the pub with my wife and I was explaining to her the amazing coincidence that had happened when I was in there the night before.
"It was really strange. I got chatting to this chap sat opposite me and he was saying he grew up in the same part of London I did and we even had similar likes, including Irish music and fiction."
My wife looked suitably surprised at this.
Then the Landlady came over to us, and said to me "How are you today?" I was a little taken aback because I felt fine and said so.
She replied "I'm surprised after last night. You were so hammered you were even talking to your reflection in the bar mirror for over an hour."
"It was really strange. I got chatting to this chap sat opposite me and he was saying he grew up in the same part of London I did and we even had similar likes, including Irish music and fiction."
My wife looked suitably surprised at this.
Then the Landlady came over to us, and said to me "How are you today?" I was a little taken aback because I felt fine and said so.
She replied "I'm surprised after last night. You were so hammered you were even talking to your reflection in the bar mirror for over an hour."
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So, I just had a rather snotty email from a supplier who wants their bill paid. Here's my reply:
With regard to the outstanding bill, let me explain our system here:
Each month we put all the invoices into a hat and pull out three and those ones get paid. If you remind me again about this outstanding amount, your bill won't even go into the hat!
With regard to the outstanding bill, let me explain our system here:
Each month we put all the invoices into a hat and pull out three and those ones get paid. If you remind me again about this outstanding amount, your bill won't even go into the hat!
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T
Tim Marner
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The
bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry
pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to
the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of
the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way
to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his
head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to
the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the
box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of
the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits
the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken
by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. ..and
now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!
bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry
pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to
the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of
the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way
to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his
head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to
the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the
box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of
the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits
the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken
by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. ..and
now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. he gives the young
boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father
realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the
back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of
the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of
the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No', the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father
realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the
back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of
the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of
the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No', the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
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