Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
R
Root 66 Woodshop
Here's one for you all... The Council.
During Xmas we suffered from the floods, we lost £300 worth of food due to electricity being turned off for 3 days, we had to stay at a B&B during this time and lost electrical goods which were stored in the garage.
We were told that there was a one off payment from the council of £500 for ALL flood related victims - great, at least we were getting something out the loss.
Today I was told that I am not eligible due to the water not getting inside the house.
What a joke!
During Xmas we suffered from the floods, we lost £300 worth of food due to electricity being turned off for 3 days, we had to stay at a B&B during this time and lost electrical goods which were stored in the garage.
We were told that there was a one off payment from the council of £500 for ALL flood related victims - great, at least we were getting something out the loss.
Today I was told that I am not eligible due to the water not getting inside the house.
What a joke!
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The wife bought some fruit from a local shop but when she got home she found it was rotten. The next day she took it back but the shopkeeper wouldn't change it so she went to the shop next door, bought a bottle of Domestos, and poured it all over the fruit display.
She was arrested for bleach of the peach
A guy I know got drunk one night and ended up making love to a very ugly woman in the night club car park.
The police caught them at it and charged him with having an offensive person on his weapon
She was arrested for bleach of the peach
A guy I know got drunk one night and ended up making love to a very ugly woman in the night club car park.
The police caught them at it and charged him with having an offensive person on his weapon
Last edited:
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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.
The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant replies that it costs £2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. “This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast”
“What about the green one?” the man asks. “He costs £5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.”
“What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, “That one’s £10,000”
Curious, the man asks, “What does he do?” The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss”
The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant replies that it costs £2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. “This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast”
“What about the green one?” the man asks. “He costs £5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.”
“What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, “That one’s £10,000”
Curious, the man asks, “What does he do?” The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss”
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V
VapeG
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
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J
jbrown75
NiceI have just burried the wife in the back garden but I ain't telling where.
LOL Classic.
Earl
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The bus ride. Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the h*ll up."
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Our father who art in Prison,
My Mum don't know his name,
Thy Riots come,
read it in the Sun,
In Birmingham as it is in London,
Give us this day our Giro cheque
and forgive us our Looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into Employment,
but deliver us free Housing,
For thine is the Reebok the Burberry and Bacardi, for ever and ever,
Innit
My Mum don't know his name,
Thy Riots come,
read it in the Sun,
In Birmingham as it is in London,
Give us this day our Giro cheque
and forgive us our Looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into Employment,
but deliver us free Housing,
For thine is the Reebok the Burberry and Bacardi, for ever and ever,
Innit
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J
john1989
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive - Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent - Please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities - Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid - We know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional - Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship orbiting around Alpha Centuri.
If you are schizophrenic - Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive - It doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic - Press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder - Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia - Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date, time and place of birth, national insurance number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder - Slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder - Please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have low self-esteem - Please hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you
If you are obsessive-compulsive - Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent - Please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities - Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid - We know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional - Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship orbiting around Alpha Centuri.
If you are schizophrenic - Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive - It doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic - Press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder - Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia - Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date, time and place of birth, national insurance number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder - Slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder - Please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have low self-esteem - Please hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...raphed-having-sex-pig-Northern-Territory.html
Read comments at the bottom after article
I haven`t laughed so bad for very long time
Read comments at the bottom after article
I haven`t laughed so bad for very long time
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A
Ally Maxwell
The police pull a man over late one night on a quiet country road.
The copper approaches the drivers side window and says, "Sir, we pulled you over because we have reason to believe you have been drinking."
The man replies, "Why is that officer ? Was I driving erratically ?"
The officer replies, "No sir, but you do have a fat, ugly bird on your passenger seat."
The copper approaches the drivers side window and says, "Sir, we pulled you over because we have reason to believe you have been drinking."
The man replies, "Why is that officer ? Was I driving erratically ?"
The officer replies, "No sir, but you do have a fat, ugly bird on your passenger seat."
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