Let get the jokes coming in

[SEOEnroll]

A woman in a Jewellry store, Farts while bending over to look at a Beautiful Diamond ring…
She luks around, embarrased, & sees the salesman standing behind her. Totally professional, he says,
“Gud day Ma’am, How may I help U?”
Hoping that maybe he hadn’t heard her ”accident”, she asks, “Sir, wats the Price of this lovely Ring?”
He answers
“Ma’am, if U Farted just Luking at it, Ur gonna Shit wen I tell U the Price!!!”

 

[Nuno]

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

 

[Nuno]

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

 

[Nuno]

How can you tell if someone is a vegetarian?
They'll tell you within 30 seconds of walking in.

Vegetarian/ Mac user/ Clarkson fan: use as appropriate.

 

[sirearl]

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[Nuno]

The Methy Ethy story.

Scruffy looking man goes into a DIY shop:
"Got any meths?"
"Get out of here" says the shopkeeper, "you are just going to drink it".
"No I'm not" says Scruffy. "I'm doing up a house and need it for that",
"Don't believe a word of it you alky swine. Get out" says the shopkeeper.
"No, really" says Scruffy, "I sold my house in London and bought a doer-upper here in Whitstable for cash, and I really need some meths".

Shopkeeper looks him up and down, has a think and says "OK. Just one bottle mind. And if I see you around, pissed on the pavement, I'll be having the police on you. Hold on, and I'll get one from out the back".

He comes back with a bottle of Meths, Scruffy inspects it, says "that's the one", and pulls some money out to pay.

"Ah! One thing" says Scruffy, "Have you got a cold one?"

 

[Graham Curtis]

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?...Halloumi

 

[Mr Demeda]

Finally got round to organising a threesome for last night.

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a great time.

 

[Bob]

European Union Directive ;-No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European Currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 May 2015. From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating". It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have Any questions, just give me a tinkle.

 

[tsubibo]

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

 

[Nuno]

How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

 

[Nuno]

A man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

 

[pbeard18]

I dyslexic man walks into a bra...

I'm here till Thursday...

 

[AllUpHere]

I removed the shell from my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything it made him more sluggish.

 

[pbeard18]

I'll never forget my grandads last words..
"That bus is moving quite fast.."

 

[Mr Demeda]

I'll never forget my grandads last words..
"That bus is moving quite fast.."

My grandad died peacefully in his sleep... unlike the passengers in his car.

 

[pbeard18]

What would George Washington do today, if he were alive?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin..

 

[Mr Demeda]

I was sat in the park the other day, enjoying the sunshine and watching the dogs play. I suddenly started wondering why frisbees are getting bigger and bigger.. then it hit me.

 

[Mr Demeda]

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

 

[SDLBiz]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

[Bartholomew Hearn]

It's been a while since I saw so many silly jokes at one spot

 

[sirearl]

It's been a while since I saw so many silly jokes at one spot

I take it you don;t watch the current crop of comedy on the Box then.

 

[Mr Demeda]

It's been a while since I saw so many silly jokes at one spot

Never visited the Houses of Parliament?

 

[Mr Demeda]

People who sleep in their socks must be really, really small.

 

[Mr Demeda]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.

Wow, did she look surprised.

 

[Mr Demeda]

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay! You have my Word.

 

[Jim Barker]

Hi... would it be all right if I occasionally posted one of my cartoons in this thread?

 

[Mr Demeda]

Hi... would it be all right if I occasionally posted one of my cartoons in this thread?

I'm sure that'd be fine, Jim!

 

[Jim Barker]

Ah, apparently I can't post images till I've made 30 posts.... better get started then...

 

[Mr Demeda]

I lost my mood-ring the other day. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it...

 

[Bill1954]

Dad Dad I just got stung on the computer.
Yeah son, you need to look out for them Internettles and WWW.ASPS

 

[JeromeJ]

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

Because he had no body to go with!

 

[Your Company Formations]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

[Jim Barker]

 

[Mr Demeda]

What's it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.

 

[Frimley111R]

Lisa bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry , but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Lisa replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Lisa said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Lisa said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Lisa said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Lisa and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Lisa said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Lisa said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

 

[john1989]

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.
My gondolences.

 

[Breaking Good]

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park it in, man

What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man

 

[Peter Durrant]

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

An ambulance

 

[john1989]

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.