Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
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Guy walks in to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think I'm going deaf".
Doctor says "I see, what are the symptoms?"
Guy says "They're that yellow cartoon family off the telly".
Doctor says "I see, what are the symptoms?"
Guy says "They're that yellow cartoon family off the telly".
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
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Police recently raided Sir Cliff Richard's house.
They found a lot of really quite nasty stuff.
Nearly enough for a new DVD.
They found a lot of really quite nasty stuff.
Nearly enough for a new DVD.
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when there is a glass ceiling?
Who needs lightbulbs when there is a glass ceiling?
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The whole glass ceiling/feminist thing is a bit odd, isn't it? Surely chauvinists would want women upstairs if there were glass ceilings.
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S
SwindonSteve
According to the Daily Mail, Doncaster still belongs to Scotland after an invasion back in the 13th Century. It was never formally returned to England.
Doncaster is also Ed Miliband's constituency, commonly known as 'the ar$ehole of England' and closer to Edinburgh than London.
We could have got rid of Scotland, the ar$ehole of England AND Doncaster all in one go.
I'm a little disappointed...
Doncaster is also Ed Miliband's constituency, commonly known as 'the ar$ehole of England' and closer to Edinburgh than London.
We could have got rid of Scotland, the ar$ehole of England AND Doncaster all in one go.
I'm a little disappointed...
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SwindonSteve
I managed to get out a long time ago!From someone living in Swindon thats a tad rich.
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sirearl
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
...................................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
...................................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
...................................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
...................................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto
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Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
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Went to see Billy Connolly last night...
"I was doing some filming in Belfast, and went up the Harland and Wolff Cranes. While I was walking around, I got some abuse from the other workers there. The guy showing me around explained that for years the yards only employed protestants, and there's still some abuse dished out to visiting catholics.
I saw Frank Carson that night, and asked him about it. He said it was correct, and the Titanic was built entirely by protestants.
"What were the catholics doing during this time?"
"Ah, we were all in West Belfast building an iceberg"
"I was doing some filming in Belfast, and went up the Harland and Wolff Cranes. While I was walking around, I got some abuse from the other workers there. The guy showing me around explained that for years the yards only employed protestants, and there's still some abuse dished out to visiting catholics.
I saw Frank Carson that night, and asked him about it. He said it was correct, and the Titanic was built entirely by protestants.
"What were the catholics doing during this time?"
"Ah, we were all in West Belfast building an iceberg"
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I thought my wife had Tourettes, so I took her to see a Psychiatrist.
The good news is that she doesn't have Tourettes.
The bad news is that I am a c*** and she really does want me to f*** off.
The good news is that she doesn't have Tourettes.
The bad news is that I am a c*** and she really does want me to f*** off.
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I was walking in the park the other day when a lovely looking black labrador came bounding over towards me.
'Hi there', said the dog 'How are you today?'
Stunned, I said to the dog 'Hey, did you just talk?'
'Sure', came the reply. 'That's amazing!' I said, 'So what's your story?'.
The dog said 'Well, ever since I was a puppy I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS and got sent on secret missions all over the world. I was the perfect spy. Nobody suspected that a dog would be eavesdropping on their conversations. I've been in rooms with world leaders, dangerous terrorists and high-powered businessmen.'
'But then I got older, and realized I couldn't sustain the pace anymore, so I was retired. I was awarded several medals for bravery and I have saved thousands of innocent lives in my time.'
'Wow', I said, 'That is fantastic!'
Just then, the dog's owner came walking up to me.
'Mate', I said, 'How much do you want for your dog?'
'I dunno, how about a tenner?' he said.
'A tenner! A tenner? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why are you selling him so cheaply?'
'Because he's a lying bastard' said the bloke.
'Hi there', said the dog 'How are you today?'
Stunned, I said to the dog 'Hey, did you just talk?'
'Sure', came the reply. 'That's amazing!' I said, 'So what's your story?'.
The dog said 'Well, ever since I was a puppy I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS and got sent on secret missions all over the world. I was the perfect spy. Nobody suspected that a dog would be eavesdropping on their conversations. I've been in rooms with world leaders, dangerous terrorists and high-powered businessmen.'
'But then I got older, and realized I couldn't sustain the pace anymore, so I was retired. I was awarded several medals for bravery and I have saved thousands of innocent lives in my time.'
'Wow', I said, 'That is fantastic!'
Just then, the dog's owner came walking up to me.
'Mate', I said, 'How much do you want for your dog?'
'I dunno, how about a tenner?' he said.
'A tenner! A tenner? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why are you selling him so cheaply?'
'Because he's a lying bastard' said the bloke.
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The M1 was having a pint with the A11at their local when a small piece Tarmac walked in as if he owned the pub and barged pass the M1! This made the M1 really angry and he stood up to have a go at the Tarmac but the A11 stopped and said don't mess with him, why said the M1 he's tiny I could ave him? I pulsar mess with him he's a cycle path ; )
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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SirEarl, 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Earl replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Earl replied, "That would be my wife."
Earl replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Earl replied, "That would be my wife."
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Driving home late last night with the wife, I got pulled over by the police.
"Excuse me sir, have you been drinking?" he asked.
"No officer, I've not had a drink all day. Was I driving erratically?" I replied.
"No, nothing like that. It's just you're going home with an ugly bird."
"Excuse me sir, have you been drinking?" he asked.
"No officer, I've not had a drink all day. Was I driving erratically?" I replied.
"No, nothing like that. It's just you're going home with an ugly bird."
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M
Mr Demeda
So a infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first mathematician says "I'll have a pint of ale please".
The second says "I'll just have half a pint please".
The third says "Hmm, I'll just have a quarter of a pint!"
The fourth says "Just an eight of a pint for me please bartender".
Just as the fifth mathematician was about to order the bartender stopped him in his tracks and calmly placed two full pints on the bar and said "There you go, you can keep the little extra."
The first mathematician says "I'll have a pint of ale please".
The second says "I'll just have half a pint please".
The third says "Hmm, I'll just have a quarter of a pint!"
The fourth says "Just an eight of a pint for me please bartender".
Just as the fifth mathematician was about to order the bartender stopped him in his tracks and calmly placed two full pints on the bar and said "There you go, you can keep the little extra."
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M
Mr Demeda
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming, but can still swim? Clever Dick.
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
Thanks guys, I'm here all week.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming, but can still swim? Clever Dick.
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
Thanks guys, I'm here all week.
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One of my all time favourite TV moments was on Citizen Smith, where they try to analyse Tucker with Rorschach pictures.
"What does this one remind you of?"
"Sex"
"And this one?"
"Sex"
"This one??"
"Sex"
"You're obsessed with sex"
"Well you're the one showing me the mucky pictures"
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T
tk-hassan
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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SEOEnroll
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
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