Ahh! A commonunist then?Are you Irish.
blimey my jokes go back to the 50's when people still had common sense.
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Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
Very good sir. Literally in tears at 7.30 in the morning - not what I was expecting from UKBF....
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S
sirearl
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"
"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria ."
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"
"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria ."
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J
Joe McKenzie
I was standing behind an old lady at a cash point the other day. She was clearly having some trouble and she asked me if I could check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
So I pushed her over.
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S
sirearl
A couple was celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you
were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean
we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father,
"And cheap ones too."
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you
were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean
we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father,
"And cheap ones too."
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S
sirearl
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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Paddy is riding his bike through the Irish countryside when he notices Mick about 100 yards from the road, sat in a rowing boat in the middle of a cornfield, rowing for all he's worth.
Paddy stops, and shouts disgustedly at Mick "You feckin' daft fecker! It's eejits like you that give the rest of us a bad name..."
"...and if I could swim I'd come over there and punch you in the feckin nose"
Paddy stops, and shouts disgustedly at Mick "You feckin' daft fecker! It's eejits like you that give the rest of us a bad name..."
"...and if I could swim I'd come over there and punch you in the feckin nose"
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B
Billmccallum
Courtesy of my ex-army mob....
Another blonde joke...
Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Another blonde joke...
Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
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Referee Andre Marriner has been ridiculed in today's newspapers for sending off Kieran Gibbs instead of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.
The Premier League has responded quickly by suspending Mark Clattenburg and issuing a full apology to Lewis Hamilton.
The Premier League has responded quickly by suspending Mark Clattenburg and issuing a full apology to Lewis Hamilton.
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It's terrible, all these miscarriages of justice we've seen.
The Guildford Four, the Birmingham Six.....
The Dave Clarke Five must be sh1tting themselves!
The Guildford Four, the Birmingham Six.....
The Dave Clarke Five must be sh1tting themselves!
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A man walked into a pet shop, there were 3 monkeys, each in a separate cage.
The first monkey had a sign on his cage. It said PRICE £5,000, I KNOW HTML AND AM FULLY FAMILIAR WITH EXCEL.
The second monkey had a sign which said PRICE £10,000, I CAN PROGRAM IN C++ and JAVA.
The third monkey had a sign which said PRICE £25,000.
The man said to the pet shop owner, “Why is that monkey so expensive?”
“Aah” said the owner, “That’s the consultant monkey. We don’t know what he does, but he assures us he’s worth it!”
The first monkey had a sign on his cage. It said PRICE £5,000, I KNOW HTML AND AM FULLY FAMILIAR WITH EXCEL.
The second monkey had a sign which said PRICE £10,000, I CAN PROGRAM IN C++ and JAVA.
The third monkey had a sign which said PRICE £25,000.
The man said to the pet shop owner, “Why is that monkey so expensive?”
“Aah” said the owner, “That’s the consultant monkey. We don’t know what he does, but he assures us he’s worth it!”
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Four university graduates were sitting in a room. They were looking at a precision made, technical gadget on the table in front of them.
The Science graduate said “Why does that work?”
The Engineering graduate said “How does that work?”
The Accountancy graduate said “How much does that cost?”
The Arts graduate said “Do you want fries with that?”
The Science graduate said “Why does that work?”
The Engineering graduate said “How does that work?”
The Accountancy graduate said “How much does that cost?”
The Arts graduate said “Do you want fries with that?”
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Updated version:
The Arts graduate said “Do you want extra cocoa with your caffe marrochino?
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D
Dan Glennon
A man has just turned 18, he wants to go for a few drinks but the only problem is is that he is just a head. No torso, no arms and no legs.
His dad sees how depressed he is and decides to take him down the pub for his first pint. After drinking it his torso appears.
Everyone is amazed so the bar tender immediately pulls him another pint. His arms appear! Another one, his legs appear!
Amazed by what's happened he jumps up and runs out the pub door, right into the path of an oncoming truck. He dies instantly.
The father comes back in, devastated. The landlord turns round to him and says "you know what his problem was"
"what" his father asks.
The landlord replies "he should of quit while he was a-head"
His dad sees how depressed he is and decides to take him down the pub for his first pint. After drinking it his torso appears.
Everyone is amazed so the bar tender immediately pulls him another pint. His arms appear! Another one, his legs appear!
Amazed by what's happened he jumps up and runs out the pub door, right into the path of an oncoming truck. He dies instantly.
The father comes back in, devastated. The landlord turns round to him and says "you know what his problem was"
"what" his father asks.
The landlord replies "he should of quit while he was a-head"
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Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
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I
Ian@Compel
A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
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Man with a spade on his head? Doug
Man without a spade on his head? Douglas
Main with a seagull on his head? Cliff
I'll get my coat.......
Man without a spade on his head? Douglas
Main with a seagull on his head? Cliff
I'll get my coat.......
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I
Ian@Compel
Two vultures board a plane, carrying two dead raccoons each. The hostess comes up and says, "Sorry gentlemen, only one carrion per person."
*cough*
I'll get my coat....
*cough*
I'll get my coat....
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You are right, its too risky. I think i try it out with my mother in law firstI wish you luck sir. Where would you like your funeral held?
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I
Ian@Compel
Great idea! Reckon you've got room for mine as well? You know......for science.
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I saw an interesting Birthday card once which basically pointed out that if aliens arrived in orbit and observed the Earth before landing they wouldn't be that foolish if they made first contact with the dogs as, after all, who walks around clearing up after who? Who feeds who? And who goes off to work, slaving away for hours, to pay for the upkeep, toys and general costs of keeping who happy?
Personally I am a massive dog person - but I think they do better out of the bargain than we realise.....
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Sorry I just realised - all of that typing and no joke. I know what always rescues a flat conversation - elephant jokes
Must start with the obvious - How many elephants can you get in a mini? Four of course - two in the front and two in the back (although I feel it's getting a little dated now - the new Minis aren't so, well, mini!)
How do you know there's an elephant in your bed? He's got an 'E' on his pjyamas.
How do you know there's an elephant under your bed? Your nose touches the ceiling.
How do you know an elephant's been in your fridge? There are footprints in the butter.
How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge? There is a mini parked outside.
I should probably be banned
Must start with the obvious - How many elephants can you get in a mini? Four of course - two in the front and two in the back (although I feel it's getting a little dated now - the new Minis aren't so, well, mini!)
How do you know there's an elephant in your bed? He's got an 'E' on his pjyamas.
How do you know there's an elephant under your bed? Your nose touches the ceiling.
How do you know an elephant's been in your fridge? There are footprints in the butter.
How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge? There is a mini parked outside.
I should probably be banned
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Bloke goes into the dentist's surgery.
'What can I do for you?' asks the dentist.
'I keep imagining I'm a moth, can you help?' replies the bloke,
'You need a psychiatrist, not a dentist - why did you come in here?'
'Well, your light was on' replied the bloke.
'What can I do for you?' asks the dentist.
'I keep imagining I'm a moth, can you help?' replies the bloke,
'You need a psychiatrist, not a dentist - why did you come in here?'
'Well, your light was on' replied the bloke.
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C
Comspec
Having been with my wife for several years now I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is.
At my local petrol station the girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number.
I was taken aback. I explained how I was currently in a relationship but ever so flattered. I told her that not one woman had asked for my number for at least five years now and that if I was single I would definitely give it to her as it hadn't escaped me how beautiful she was.
I also admitted how I often got a little gittery whenever she served me because I was fond of her too . I followed up by saying if ever I was single she would be first on my list and that she shouldn't feel in any way rejected.
She replied, 'No sir, what's your PUMP number?'
At my local petrol station the girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number.
I was taken aback. I explained how I was currently in a relationship but ever so flattered. I told her that not one woman had asked for my number for at least five years now and that if I was single I would definitely give it to her as it hadn't escaped me how beautiful she was.
I also admitted how I often got a little gittery whenever she served me because I was fond of her too . I followed up by saying if ever I was single she would be first on my list and that she shouldn't feel in any way rejected.
She replied, 'No sir, what's your PUMP number?'
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