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Stephen Davies

Stephen Davies

Free Member
Oct 25, 2012
47
9
London
  • #281
    A girl goes to the doctor complaining about strange green marks on her inner thighs.

    The doctor has a look, is baffled and sends her away with some anti biotics and tells her to come back in a week if they haven't gone.

    She comes back a week later and the green marks are worse.

    The doctor suddenly has an idea.

    "Excuse me my dear, but is your boyfriend a chav?"

    "Why yes. Yes he is!" The girl replies.

    "Then I have some bad news for you I'm afraid."

    "What's that?" The girl asks.

    "His earrings aren't real gold."
     
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    trebor8

  • #283
    Invited to a party couple of weeks ago. I took a bottle of Vodka and a 6 pack of Red Bull. Some bugger nicked the 6 pack of Red Bull.
    I don't how these people can sleep at night


    Went on Google search and typed in Google tax payments in the UK and found nothing
     
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  • #285
    Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

    The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

    The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

    The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

    But the     fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the posterior - and they are interchangeable'
     
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  • #286
    [FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']A fleeing Taliban[/FONT][FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif'][/FONT][FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

    The Taliban fighter     asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

    The man     shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

    "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

    Cursing him, the Taliban fighter     staggered away over the hill.

    Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped.....


    "They won't let me in without a bleeding tie!"
    [/FONT]
     
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  • #287
    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

    The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
    You have passed all the tests, except one.
    It is a simple test of your English language
    skills. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify
    for this job.'

    Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

    The manager said,
    You must make a sentence using the words
    Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
    'Mister manager, I am ready.'

    The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

    Mujibar said,
    'The telephone goes green, green,
    And I pink it up, and say,
    Yellow! This is Mujibar.'

    Mujibar now works at a call center.

    No doubt you have spoken to him.
    I know I have!!!
     
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    Tej

    Free Member
    Oct 26, 2008
    3,340
    1,109
    Kent
  • #290
    The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Government's health care proposals

    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves

    The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the eurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

    The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

    The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and thePlastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ********s in London.
     
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    MoritzL.

    Free Member
    Nov 24, 2012
    13
    1
  • #292
    A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
    The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
     
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    mobilelovers

    Free Member
    Oct 29, 2012
    12
    3
  • #293
    I dont know whether it is posted here or not but am gonna post it as i love the little johnny jokes as they never get old !

    A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.
    "Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets ahold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.
    The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"
     
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    iArtist

  • #294
    bath-loo-gag.jpg
     
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    mobious

  • #302
    This was an actual eBay listing:

    If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

    The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can't be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

    This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

    Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me - Oh how extravagant of her -"Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I'll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve" By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that's what I said she should be in the circus. "Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart"

    I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend's body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus - LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

    So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

    PS - As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.
     
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  • #304
    A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

    He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'.

    The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'. The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'.The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

    By this time the preacher is at his wits end, and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

    The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'. (Are you ready for this????) The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,
    [FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]'Are ye sure this is where he fell in?'[/FONT]
     
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  • #305
    Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

    When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

    One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

    Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

    At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
    him, "Mike--Mike."

    "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

    "Mike--it's me, Joe."

    "You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

    "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

    "Joe! Where are you?"

    "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

    "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

    "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

    That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

    "You're in the team for this Saturday".
     
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    uk_biz

    Free Member
    Dec 10, 2012
    39
    3
  • #306
    sirearl said:
    Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

    When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

    One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

    Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

    At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
    him, "Mike--Mike."

    "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

    "Mike--it's me, Joe."

    "You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

    "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

    "Joe! Where are you?"

    "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

    "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

    "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

    That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

    "You're in the team for this Saturday".
    Click to expand...

    Lol, nice one
     
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    SuitNTie

    Free Member
    Dec 5, 2012
    27
    2
  • #307
    mobious said:
    This was an actual eBay listing:

    If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

    The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can't be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

    This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

    Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me - Oh how extravagant of her -"Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I'll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve" By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that's what I said she should be in the circus. "Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart"

    I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend's body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus - LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

    So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

    PS - As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.
    Click to expand...
    hahaha this is still cracking me up xD
     
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    S

    siwi

    Free Member
    Nov 23, 2012
    10
    5
  • #312
    slakeman said:
    The nice jokes thread is gone! thought I would start another one! Enjoy this and add one to the collection
    ==========================================================

    A psychiatrist conducts a therapy session with 4 mothers and their children...
    He said to the 1st mum: you're obsessed with eating, you've even named your daugther Candy
    He turned to the 2nd mum and said: you're obsessed with money and it is manifested in your daughter's name Penny
    He turned to the 3rd mum: you're obsessed with alchohol and it is manifested in your child's name Brandy
    At this point the 4th mum got up, took his boy's hand and whispered 'come on Dickson' , lets go home...this man is crazy!
    Click to expand...

    Haha good one:D that really made me laugh!!
     
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    Cornish Steve

    Cornish Steve

    Free Member
    Jul 4, 2005
    13,260
    1,906
    Atlanta, Georgia, USA (formerly Cornwall, UK)
  • #315
    Charlie had a terrible accident at the building site and lost both his ears. He was off work for several weeks, but happily his doctor gave him the OK to return. The night before, though, the foreman pulled the work crew together: "Listen, Charlie is really sensitive about having no ears, so, when he returns tomorrow, give him a warm welcome but do not mention anything about ears." Everyone agreed, although Pete was especially nervous. He had a terrible knack of saying the wrong thing.

    The next morning, Charlie arrived at the site. Everyone bar Pete gave him a warm welcome, chatted with him amiably, and in no time Charlie felt right at home. All morning, Pete tried to pluck up the courage to greet Charlie and to say something to him. By noon, he knew it must be now or he'd never do it. So, Pete slowly walked up to Charlie and smiled at him.

    "Nice to see you back, Charlie."
    "Thanks mate. It's good to be back."
    "Nice to see that your eyesight has improved, Charlie."
    "My eyesight's improved? What do you mean?
    "Well, you're not wearing your glasses."
     
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  • #318
    > I Came Out Of The Chip Shop With A Meat And Potato Pie, Large Chips,
    > Mushy Peas & A Jumbo Sausage. A Poor Homeless Man Sitting There Said
    > "i've Not Eaten For Two Days." I Told Him "i Wish I Had Your Will
    > Power."
    >
    >

    >
    > A Fat Girl Served Me In Mcdonald's At Lunch Time Today. She Said
    > "sorry About The Wait." I Said "don't Worry Dear, You Might Lose
    > It Eventually."
    >
    >

    >
    > Snow In The Forecast! The Tv Weather Girl Said She Was Expecting 8
    > Inches Tonight. I Thought To Myself, Fat Chance With A Face Like That!
    >
    > An Irish Boy Stands Crying At The Side Of The Road. A Man Asks Him
    > "what's Wrong?" The Boy Says "me Ma Is Dead". "oh Bejaysus"
    > The Man Says "do You Want Me To Call Father O' Riley For You ?" The
    > Boy Replies "no Tanks Mister, Sex Is The Last Ting On My Mind At The
    > Moment."
    >
    >

    > !
    >
    >
    > Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With Such An Immensely Fast
    > Shutter Speed That It Is Now Possible To Take A Photograph Of A Woman
    > With Her Mouth Shut.
    >
    > I Hate All This Terrorist Business. I Used To Love The Days When You
    > Could Look At An Unattended Bag On A Train Or Bus And Think To Yourself
    > ........ I'm Going To Have That.
    >
    > Man In A Hot Air Balloon Is Lost Over Ireland . He Looks Down And Sees
    > A
    > Farmer In The Fields And Shouts Down To Him "where Am I ?" The Irish
    > Farmer Looks Back Up And Shouts Back. "you Can't Fool Me, You're In
    > That
    > Basket Up There."
    >
    > I Had A Trivia Competition In The Bag Until The Very Last Question
    > ....... Which I Got Wrong. The Question Was 'where Do Women Have The
    > Curliest Hair ?'apparently The Correct Answer Was Fiji ..
    >
    >
    > A Woman Has A Medical At The Doctors; "you Are Grossly Overweight"
    > He Says. "i Want A 2nd Opinion", She Exclaimed "ok - You're Bloody
    > Ugly As Well"
     
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  • #319
    A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
    At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
    When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
    If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
     
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