Let get the jokes coming in

[slakeman]

The nice jokes thread is gone! thought I would start another one! Enjoy this and add one to the collection
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A psychiatrist conducts a therapy session with 4 mothers and their children...
He said to the 1st mum: you're obsessed with eating, you've even named your daugther Candy
He turned to the 2nd mum and said: you're obsessed with money and it is manifested in your daughter's name Penny
He turned to the 3rd mum: you're obsessed with alchohol and it is manifested in your child's name Brandy
At this point the 4th mum got up, took his boy's hand and whispered 'come on Dickson' , lets go home...this man is crazy!

 

[vvaannmmaann]

 

[OliverLuke]

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say "What's that?"

 

[slakeman]

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king

 

[Team Leith Training]

A couple walk into a pub.

Man of 51 with his 21 year old girfriend. After a hale of abuse recieved from staff and punters in the pub calling the man a dirty pervert, they decided to leave.

totally ruined their 10th Anniversary!

For the record, i never got on the "taking the pee out of HMRC joke, loved it"

 

[Team Leith Training]

This just had to be posted

Well there was a jpg in it, quiet a funny one, oh well :-(

 

[OliverLuke]

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got twelve fridges

 

[slakeman]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[slakeman]

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! .

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe :
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash .

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain :
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece :
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain :
A glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60 a woman is like Israel :
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada :
Self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet :
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF MAN

Between 16 and 70, a man is like the United States of America.
Ruled by nuts!

 

[Multi-store]

I signed up for Virgin media

That was the punchline.

 

[Method Man]

Voluntary work.............. I wouldn't do it even if you paid me

A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on

What do you call a man with a lighthouse on his head? - Cliff

etc etc

 

[Dan@Printwell]

A Greek man, a Spaniard and a Portuguese man all walk into a bar,

The Barman asks for their order?

All three have a beer.

The barman pours 3 beers and then asks.... who is paying gents?

All 3 men look at each other, and reply “the Germans”

 

[dagr]

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it in the first place.

 

[Method Man]

I've just called my local Airfix shop and asked the owner if he'd got a model of an Italian cruise liner.

He said he had one left so I asked him to put it on one side!

 

[Multi-store]

I've just called my local Airfix shop and asked the owner if he'd got a model of an Italian cruise liner.

He said he had one left so I asked him to put it on one side!

OOo thats a low blow!

 

[Posilan]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

 

[slakeman]

A burglar sticks his leg through the window of a house he is about to rob when he hears a voice say jesus is watching you he looks around see nobody so sticks his other leg in and again hears jesus is watching you so he goes in and finds the light swith turns it on and alls in the room is a parrot in a cage ..the parrot says i told you jesus is watching you so the burglar says to the parrot jesus is a s**t name for a parrot so the parrot replies my name is clive and jesus is the rottweiler

 

[Rookery]

A boss was interviewing for a new secretary.
A real ginger minger with a 1st from Oxford.
An average brunette with 3 top A levels.
A dumb blonde stunner with no qualifications at all.
Who got the job?


The one with the biggest tits!

 

[slakeman]

A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I tell if my girl is a virgin ?"
Friend tells him, "You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a pen*s, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What is this?"
"That's a pen*s!" she replies.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, But One day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ....
Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

 

[slakeman]

1) What battle did Napoleon die in?
*** His last battle

2) Lake Misissipi flows in which state?
*** liquid

3) How can you drop an egg on a floor without cracking it
*** Anyway sir, concrete floors are impossible to crack with an egg, a hammer maybe,

4) It took 50 men 10 hours to build a wall, how long would it take 5 men?
*** Are trying to trick me sir?, the wall is already built!

5) How can a man go 40 days without sleeping
*** by sleeping during the nights only
6)

 

[KeithGreen]

This incident was NOT reported in The Times or Guardian!
Coming back from yet another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.



The train went into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there was the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap.



When the train emerged from the tunnel, Sarkozy had a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one spoke, everyone was extremely shocked and embarrassed.



Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.



The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek.



Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me . . . the English *******.



And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time.

 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Earl

 

[Beachcomber]

**Politically incorrect joke warning**

Gay Ray goes to the doctors for his test results.
Doc: "sorry Gay Ray but you've got aids!"


Gay Ray: "Is there anything I can do?"
Doc: "Eat a sausage,a cabbage,20 jalapeno peppers,40 walnuts,a tin of baked beans,
a box of all bran and a gallon of prune juice.


Gay Ray: "will this cure me doc?"


Doc: "No - but it will give you a better understanding of what your arse is for!!!"

 

[KeithGreen]

 

Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.







After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"











The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."











The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"











To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."











The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.











A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"











The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."











The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"











The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."











The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.











Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Earl

 

[KeithGreen]

A woodworm walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Team Leith Training]

A Galaxy walks into a pub to order a drink.

Barman tells it, "you're barred"

 

[josor]

I've always been told that it's not rape if you shout surprise first. Imagine my terror when I walked into my surprise party.

 

[josor]

Bloke says to his mate, Well i'm not taking your advice again - That's the last time i'll tell the wife to sit on my face in a Shaun Connery accent!

 

[Team Leith Training]

Often we amateur astronomers get it in the neck for being out. Here is a classic.
I was going to get a t-shirt made up for it

What is 8 inches wide
Around 12 inches long
Can be erect in under 5 minutes pointing a heavenly bodies resulting in a great feeling of pleasure?.....

Why my LX10 8" telescope of course, what did you think i was referring to?

 

[KeithGreen]

And I thought "innuendo" was an Italian suppository!

 

[simon field]

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Smelly Bo11ocks.

 

[Team Leith Training]

What do you call a dear with no eye?

no "eye" dear

 

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health..



Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"






"In fact, I do." said the old man.



"After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then,



after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."






When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine..



Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"






The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.






The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..



He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;



and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"






"Oh, that crazy old *******" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January,



and the second time is in August."

Earl

 

[slakeman]

when we married 9 year ago, my wife and I decided that I would take the big and important decisions whilst she took the rest of the decisions. In the nine years of marriage, a big and important decision is yet to be taken...

 

[KeithGreen]

I need some help urgently.

My wife says she's going to throw herself out of the bedroom window and I can't get it open.

 

[giffgore]

• Alien 1: So, did the humans get our message?
• Alien 2: Yes, but they now call it "dubstep" and have started dancing to it.

 

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his pen1s covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your pen1s."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his pen1s and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my pen1s!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
"Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.


"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself.

Earl

 

[giffgore]

Every year, an old man and his son dig up the garden ready for new plants. However, this year, his son has gotten himself into trouble and is in jail. Sad, the man writes to his son:

"I'm about to prepare the garden, it's such a shame you're not here to help me. Love dad."

A few days later, he gets a response:

"Don't do that, it's where the bodies are buried."

The very same day, FBI vans pull up at his house and the squad inside get out and dig the entire garden within an hour. They then get back in their vans and drive away.

The next day, the man receives another letter from his son:

"Sorry I couldn't be there in person, but I did the best I could in the circumstances. Best wishes, your son."