Writing this hotch-potch in a simple, single sentence or two

[Naini]

OK. I want to mention a few things in a small paragraph ( maximum one or two simple sentences). So this is what I wrote. So can you help me simplify it, so that it is simple and short enough to be interesting.
The major flaws I see are underlined:

1. long term -does it look OK?
2. happiness and satisfaction -> I don't want to use both the words, should I just use satisfaction?
3. coupled with, along with etc. -> the way different parts of the sentence connect doesn't seem OK. They don't seem that fluent, and in the flow?
4. values? priorities?
5. I want to put this entire thing in a simple sentence or two.

"Born with the vision of being recognized as a leading manufacturer and exporter of ABC products, a long term happiness and satisfaction of our clients means everything to us. Prioritizing our customers’ satisfaction, coupled with a constant refinement and innovation in our products by practicing the superior methods of construction along with the use of the finest quality material, and providing a top notch quality in the most time-efficient and cost-effective way is all a part of our values. "

Thank you very much in advance.

 

[zigojacko]

I'm sure @Elliottc26 will have some useful feedback on this for you.

 

[Elliottc26]

Thanks @zigojacko ...

Hi Naini,

I am going to be frank with you so hold on to your hat...

The sentence you've written is worse than the post you've written above. When writing for business, don't make it all about you or the business.

Cleverness and using jargon, laboured sentences and phrases won't do it for you either. It's all too me, me, me (unless this is meant for the 'About Us' page - but this still wouldn't cut it).

For example, you need to aim for something like this (without knowing the products or targets it's too generic but will illustrate):

Saving you time, saving you money
You may find that other manufacturers fall down on quality when looking at keeping delivery times to a minimum. You may also find that they can't provide cost-effective solutions for your specific time frames either.

We Build It Quick guarantee you:

• High quality materials
• Time-efficient manufacturing
• Cost-effective solutions

Would this service breath new life into your manufacturing needs and business goals?

Button = [Fill out our quote form and we will get back to you within 24 hours!]

Hope this helps

 

[Naini]

Thanks @zigojacko ...

Hi Naini,

I am going to be frank with you so hold on to your hat...

The sentence you've written is worse than the post you've written above. When writing for business, don't make it all about you or the business.

Cleverness and using jargon, laboured sentences and phrases won't do it for you either. It's all too me, me, me (unless this is meant for the 'About Us' page - but this still wouldn't cut it).

For example, you need to aim for something like this (without knowing the products or targets it's too generic but will illustrate):




Hope this helps

Hi Eliot,

Thanks a ton, for the honest opinion and advise.

Yes I am trying to write the "About Us" page, and I am following a guide given on http:// 47leads .com/how-to-write-about-us/ (Please delete the spaces after // and before .com in the link, I am doing it because this site does not allow me to paste a link, and I guess this has to be OK because I am not a spam)

And I think the About Us has to be a lot about our company according to the guide. I was thinking that About Us says about the company, and we write in terms of the clients and their interests in the Mission Statement.

I'll be thankful if you can share your opinion on that.

 

[Elliottc26]

Okay, firstly it's an American site so different market I take it. Secondly, it's full of advice for creating boring "me, me, me" by the tonne.

Many businesses make the mistake of making it all about them, looking in the mirror, and to sing their own praises (testimonials do this far better!).

They cite:

• Our company is amazing and better than any other
• Our products and services are created by the gods
• Our employees include Jesus, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Opera Winfrey

The problem with doing this is that it is a waste of time and energy. No one cares about you!

If you're "me, me, me", and your customers are "me, me, me" then there's a block in the way. You need your pages to be, "you, you, you." So write an 'About You' page...

Write about:

• How your company can meet their needs
• How your products/services can meet their needs
• How your employees can improve their day

Of course, writing is hard and writing for conversions is tougher still needing professional knowledge. But this will set you on the right track. You can also write it as a short story if it suits (quick example):

Giving you a sense of control over your finances
During the economic crisis of 2008, after losing my job to redundancy, I discovered that no one was offering advice to people on how to resolve their bank account management problems. Everyone was offering advice about how to get out of debt, but not about how to avoid falling back in.

With 13 years experience as a Bank Manager, I set up Virtual Bank Account Manager.co.uk for people like you who needed a little extra help and a way to manage their finances without falling into old habits. I discovered that by giving people an easy, cheap tool, successful personal financial management could be achieved.

Over the next two years, the software and website were developed. In the summer of 2010 on a warm, sunny day, our website was launched. In the first month, 3,000 of you signed up and started to manage your money better.

Our website offers:

1. Simple account set up
2. Fast transaction monitoring
3. Easy budget setting and advice
4. Debt avoidance alerts

You can be creative with it to stand out and be original, but ultimately it's all about your targeted customers.

Hope this helps

 

[Naini]

Okay, firstly it's an American site so different market I take it. Secondly, it's full of advice for creating boring "me, me, me" by the tonne.

Many businesses make the mistake of making it all about them, looking in the mirror, and to sing their own praises (testimonials do this far better!).

They cite:

• Our company is amazing and better than any other
• Our products and services are created by the gods
• Our employees include Jesus, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Opera Winfrey

The problem with doing this is that it is a waste of time and energy. No one cares about you!

If you're "me, me, me", and your customers are "me, me, me" then there's a block in the way. You need your pages to be, "you, you, you." So write an 'About You' page...

Write about:

• How your company can meet their needs
• How your products/services can meet their needs
• How your employees can improve their day

Of course, writing is hard and writing for conversions is tougher still needing professional knowledge. But this will set you on the right track. You can also write it as a short story if it suits (quick example):

Giving you a sense of control over your finances
During the economic crisis of 2008, after losing my job to redundancy, I discovered that no one was offering advice to people on how to resolve their bank account management problems. Everyone was offering advice about how to get out of debt, but not about how to avoid falling back in.

With 13 years experience as a Bank Manager, I set up Virtual Bank Account Manager.co.uk for people like you who needed a little extra help and a way to manage their finances without falling into old habits. I discovered that by giving people an easy, cheap tool, successful personal financial management could be achieved.

Over the next two years, the software and website were developed. In the summer of 2010 on a warm, sunny day, our website was launched. In the first month, 3,000 of you signed up and started to manage your money better.

Our website offers:

1. Simple account set up
2. Fast transaction monitoring
3. Easy budget setting and advice
4. Debt avoidance alerts

You can be creative with it to stand out and be original, but ultimately it's all about your targeted customers.

Hope this helps

Thank you very much, Elliott, that has been a great help.

Secondly, your writing style is very impressive. I will like to suggest any serious entrepreneurs I know to consider contacting you if they need a great content.

Thanks again.

 

[IanG]

That to me sounds like you don't actually do any of it.

Born with the vision of being recognised as leading manufacturer and exporter - you mean you want to be the market leader? Doesn't everyone?

Long term happiness and satisfaction - again, compliance.

Means everything to us - no it doesn't - you're running a business.

Constant refinement and innovation - like everyone.

Superior methods of construction - relative to what?

Finest quality material in a cost-effective way - really?

Top notch quality while being time-efficient - really?

Whatever you end up saying, make sure its stands up to scrutiny, I'm no expert in the field but I can see through all that.

If you have market share, lets hear about it. If you have superior methods, lets hear about your investment in machinery or expertise. If you have quality, lets see how you measured that. Where are your finest materials from, and how did you get them cost-effectively? Presumably that's your market share buying you some economy of scale.

Lets hear about what you're actually doing.

 

[Naini]

If you have market share, lets hear about it. If you have superior methods, lets hear about your investment in machinery or expertise. If you have quality, lets see how you measured that. Where are your finest materials from, and how did you get them cost-effectively? Presumably that's your market share buying you some economy of scale.

Thank you for the great suggestions. Thanks for pointing out that as well. I know how bad I am but I am not even a writer. I am just writing for my friend who asked me to do that for him and I could not say no because he is a very respected friend. But I am happy that I am learning new things.

I will work on your advise as well and I hope I'll write better.