C
compuclean
- Original Poster
- #1
You may have read my thread's about The Laughter File - so you want to know what The Laughter File is about? Okay, well, there are nine fantasatic categories, so, please, find below nine samples - one from each section of the book. If you like them, and you want more - go buy the book, either as a download or as a printed copy, from lulu.com.
So here goes:
Section One: Activities:
Brain Test 2
Follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
Now say the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
You're thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
============
Section Two: Blonde Jokes:
Builders
Buddy, in his pickup truck, drove into a timber yard. He walked into the office and said, "I need some plenks."
The clerk said, "You mean planks, don't you?"
Buddy said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant planks."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, Buddy returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
============
Section Three: Lists:
Age
 A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by hisdoctor instead of by the police.
 Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one thatwill get you home earlier.
 You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
 Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
 Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
 Time wounds all heels.
 You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
 You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
 I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing nappies and using a walker.
 It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
============
Section Four: Puns:
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant still open?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, Im afraid not," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," the receptionist answered.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," said Mary.
After confirming the order, she signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh Im terribly sorry...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!! !!''
============
Section Five: Riddles:
Birthday
At a party, the guest of honour stood up to make an announcement. She said: "The day before yesterday I was only fourteen. Next year, I will be 17."
How is this possible?
ANSWER: Today is January 1st. Her birthday is December 31st. So the day before yesterday (December 30th), she was fourteen. Yesterday (December 31st) she was fifteen. This year, on December 31st, she will be 16, and next year, again on December 31st, she will turn 17. So, next year she will be 17, when only the day before yesterday she was 14.
============
Section Six: Short Jokes:
Mental Patient
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
============
Section Seven: Story Jokes:
Break it to me Gently
Two brothers, John and Richard, lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He neverwent anywhere without her.
One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on
business for his company and he could not take the cat into England, as he would have to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.
Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok.
4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.
On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead.
Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.
When he recovered he said to Richard, "That was cruellest thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently? You know, like when I called said something like, well she's OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, John, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.
"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless."
John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "Oh, by the way, how's Mother?"
Richard then said, "Well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!!"
============
Section Eight: Tongue Twisters:
Ned Nott and Sam Shott
Ned Nott was shot
And Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott
Than Nott.
Some say Nott
Was not shot.
But Shott says
He shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
Was not shot,
Or
Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott,
Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott,
Then Shott was shot,
Not Nott.
However,
The shot Shott shot shot not Shott --
but Nott.
============
Section Nine: True:
Only in the U.S. Legal System
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensivecigars, insured them against ... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his cheque, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
============
============
============
Okay, so, those are the jokes. What do you think? If you were well impressed, buy the book, tell your mates, tell everyone you know. And remember - if you buy the ebook version, £2.00 goes to charity. But please, don't fileshare!
Cheers
So here goes:
Section One: Activities:
Brain Test 2
Follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
Now say the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
You're thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
============
Section Two: Blonde Jokes:
Builders
Buddy, in his pickup truck, drove into a timber yard. He walked into the office and said, "I need some plenks."
The clerk said, "You mean planks, don't you?"
Buddy said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant planks."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, Buddy returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
============
Section Three: Lists:
Age
 A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by hisdoctor instead of by the police.
 Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one thatwill get you home earlier.
 You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
 Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
 Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
 Time wounds all heels.
 You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
 You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
 I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing nappies and using a walker.
 It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
============
Section Four: Puns:
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant still open?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, Im afraid not," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," the receptionist answered.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," said Mary.
After confirming the order, she signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh Im terribly sorry...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!! !!''
============
Section Five: Riddles:
Birthday
At a party, the guest of honour stood up to make an announcement. She said: "The day before yesterday I was only fourteen. Next year, I will be 17."
How is this possible?
ANSWER: Today is January 1st. Her birthday is December 31st. So the day before yesterday (December 30th), she was fourteen. Yesterday (December 31st) she was fifteen. This year, on December 31st, she will be 16, and next year, again on December 31st, she will turn 17. So, next year she will be 17, when only the day before yesterday she was 14.
============
Section Six: Short Jokes:
Mental Patient
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
============
Section Seven: Story Jokes:
Break it to me Gently
Two brothers, John and Richard, lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He neverwent anywhere without her.
One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on
business for his company and he could not take the cat into England, as he would have to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.
Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok.
4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.
On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead.
Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.
When he recovered he said to Richard, "That was cruellest thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently? You know, like when I called said something like, well she's OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, John, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.
"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless."
John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "Oh, by the way, how's Mother?"
Richard then said, "Well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!!"
============
Section Eight: Tongue Twisters:
Ned Nott and Sam Shott
Ned Nott was shot
And Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott
Than Nott.
Some say Nott
Was not shot.
But Shott says
He shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
Was not shot,
Or
Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott,
Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott,
Then Shott was shot,
Not Nott.
However,
The shot Shott shot shot not Shott --
but Nott.
============
Section Nine: True:
Only in the U.S. Legal System
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensivecigars, insured them against ... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his cheque, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
============
============
============
Okay, so, those are the jokes. What do you think? If you were well impressed, buy the book, tell your mates, tell everyone you know. And remember - if you buy the ebook version, £2.00 goes to charity. But please, don't fileshare!
Cheers
