Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well. it just worked for me." he replied.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well. it just worked for me." he replied.
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- Original Poster
- #126
A mum whispered to each of her 3 daughters after their weddings!!! "Don't forget to text me your first night experience.
Each immediately understood what the mother meant. After a week, the first daughter sent 'NESCAFE' in an text to the mother. The second daughter texted 'BENSON cigarettes'.
Their mother amused by the messages, picked a tin of nescafe coffee & read from the label "fantastic till d last drop". She also went 2 her husband's pack of benson cigarettes and it written on it was "extra long, king size" she smiled & said 'not too bad for them".
After a few days, the third daughter text "Easy jet: Gatwick - Dublin". She quickly called easyjet information desk to ask about Gatwick - Dublin flight. She was told "its 3 times daily, 7days a week & 75mins flight both ways".
She slumped & fainted: shouting "this man is killing my baby"
Each immediately understood what the mother meant. After a week, the first daughter sent 'NESCAFE' in an text to the mother. The second daughter texted 'BENSON cigarettes'.
Their mother amused by the messages, picked a tin of nescafe coffee & read from the label "fantastic till d last drop". She also went 2 her husband's pack of benson cigarettes and it written on it was "extra long, king size" she smiled & said 'not too bad for them".
After a few days, the third daughter text "Easy jet: Gatwick - Dublin". She quickly called easyjet information desk to ask about Gatwick - Dublin flight. She was told "its 3 times daily, 7days a week & 75mins flight both ways".
She slumped & fainted: shouting "this man is killing my baby"
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- Original Poster
- #127
Yesterday i was in a public toilet, just when i sat down a voice from the next cubicle said "hi"
So embarrassed i said "hi".
"So what r u up to?"
I said "the same thing u doing sitting down".
"Can i come n see u?"
I was so annoyed so i told him "rather busy now".
Then he said "listen i'm gonna have to call u back, some idiot from the next toilet is busy answering all my questions"
So embarrassed i said "hi".
"So what r u up to?"
I said "the same thing u doing sitting down".
"Can i come n see u?"
I was so annoyed so i told him "rather busy now".
Then he said "listen i'm gonna have to call u back, some idiot from the next toilet is busy answering all my questions"
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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will".
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis in Star Trek
The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future".
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will".
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis in Star Trek
The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future".
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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
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Scouser's Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Wigan, Birmingham, Dover, parts of Sheffield and anywhere in Wales .
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Wigan, Birmingham, Dover, parts of Sheffield and anywhere in Wales .
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- Original Poster
- #132
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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- Original Poster
- #134
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(You Go Girl!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(You Go Girl!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Upvote
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday
for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
contraceptives.
...
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be
used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.
" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday
for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
contraceptives.
...
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be
used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.
" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
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W
williams22
Once joke from my side.. hope you guys enjoy this
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down - what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton, "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down - what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton, "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
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Satnav
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Upvote
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sorry but a blond joke.
What do bosses and superviser not like blond girls taking breaks?
Because it takes too long to retrain them when they come back!
OK heres a few essex ones
Essex boy calls Essex girl,
"careful on the M25 darling there is a car going up the wrong way"!
Essex Girl, " you not bleeding kidding theres hundres of them"
Essex girl calls Essex BF
Darling, i got this jigsaw from the supermarket, its got a cat on it, but i cant make out the pieces.
BF, hold on babe will be home soon, i'll take a look.
He gets back
OK Babe, we'll have a coffee, then we'll put the Frosties back in the box yeah?
What do bosses and superviser not like blond girls taking breaks?
Because it takes too long to retrain them when they come back!
OK heres a few essex ones
Essex boy calls Essex girl,
"careful on the M25 darling there is a car going up the wrong way"!
Essex Girl, " you not bleeding kidding theres hundres of them"
Essex girl calls Essex BF
Darling, i got this jigsaw from the supermarket, its got a cat on it, but i cant make out the pieces.
BF, hold on babe will be home soon, i'll take a look.
He gets back
OK Babe, we'll have a coffee, then we'll put the Frosties back in the box yeah?
Last edited:
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here is another one
now i have had a few so please excuse the typing!
A customer wants some look roll, and walks into a local corner shop buy some.
There are three choices
The premium
Shop keeper explains that brand is the least popular at a fiver a packet but nice to wipe the rear end on.
Then there is bargain shopper
Shoppkeeper, yeah our popular brand, reasonable at 3 quid a packet, most buy that one
Then there is the unbranded wrapped in tissue paper brand.
Er yes, says the shop keeper, noone buys that one, but we sell it for £1 a packet usually. sold as seen, but if you take a packet, its 50p to you
customer buys it... then following day returns with it
Shoppkeeper asks, so you have returned, now you know i cannot refund that roll to you.
customer: not not here for that, i just came with a name for this loo roll for you.
I would call it "John Waynes bog roll!
Shoppkepper: interesting, why?
Customer: "cos its rough, tough, and will take *hit from noone!
now i have had a few so please excuse the typing!
A customer wants some look roll, and walks into a local corner shop buy some.
There are three choices
The premium
Shop keeper explains that brand is the least popular at a fiver a packet but nice to wipe the rear end on.
Then there is bargain shopper
Shoppkeeper, yeah our popular brand, reasonable at 3 quid a packet, most buy that one
Then there is the unbranded wrapped in tissue paper brand.
Er yes, says the shop keeper, noone buys that one, but we sell it for £1 a packet usually. sold as seen, but if you take a packet, its 50p to you
customer buys it... then following day returns with it
Shoppkeeper asks, so you have returned, now you know i cannot refund that roll to you.
customer: not not here for that, i just came with a name for this loo roll for you.
I would call it "John Waynes bog roll!
Shoppkepper: interesting, why?
Customer: "cos its rough, tough, and will take *hit from noone!
Upvote
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A Genie digused as a customer goes to view a used car. The car was priced @ 15000, he only had 500
The genie asked to take a test drive in the car which he did when he got out he said to the owner. that was a lovely drive, really like this car.
He asked, can you go lower than 15000.
Sorry no replied the owner, i am cutting it to the bone at this price.
Genie says, oh come on be a gentleman like you really need the money, look i have 500 nikker in my hand its yours. And we can shake on the deal now.
NO, its 15000k sorry, i really wish i could do it for 500 but these are tough times.
Genie replied, tough they are indeed for YOU, your wish is my command, £500 it is!
The genie asked to take a test drive in the car which he did when he got out he said to the owner. that was a lovely drive, really like this car.
He asked, can you go lower than 15000.
Sorry no replied the owner, i am cutting it to the bone at this price.
Genie says, oh come on be a gentleman like you really need the money, look i have 500 nikker in my hand its yours. And we can shake on the deal now.
NO, its 15000k sorry, i really wish i could do it for 500 but these are tough times.
Genie replied, tough they are indeed for YOU, your wish is my command, £500 it is!
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably for the best', said the Priest, 'You've done f**** all but moan since you've been here.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably for the best', said the Priest, 'You've done f**** all but moan since you've been here.'
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