Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
- Original Poster
- #83
THE BUS RIDE Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the h*ll up."
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Consistency
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
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God said, "Adam, I
want you to do
something for
Me."
Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"
God
said, "Go down
into that valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."
Adam said, "What's a
river?"
God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."
Adam said, "What is a
hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the
other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'
After God explained,
He said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a
woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you to
reproduce."
Adam said, "How do
I do that?"
God explained
And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,
across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.
Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
want you to do
something for
Me."
Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"
God
said, "Go down
into that valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."
Adam said, "What's a
river?"
God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."
Adam said, "What is a
hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the
other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'
After God explained,
He said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a
woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you to
reproduce."
Adam said, "How do
I do that?"
God explained
And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,
across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.
Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
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- Original Poster
- #93
The old Lady & the doctor
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, i have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. Anytime I pass wind, it doesn't smell and they are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office and you didn't even realise it. The doctor says: i see, take these pills and come back and see me next week. The next wk the lady goes back. Dr. She says. I dont know what the hell u gave me, but now my wind..... Although still silent... stink terribly. The doc says: Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses and your nose seems to be working again, let's start working on your hearing...
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, i have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. Anytime I pass wind, it doesn't smell and they are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office and you didn't even realise it. The doctor says: i see, take these pills and come back and see me next week. The next wk the lady goes back. Dr. She says. I dont know what the hell u gave me, but now my wind..... Although still silent... stink terribly. The doc says: Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses and your nose seems to be working again, let's start working on your hearing...
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- Original Poster
- #94
Gorimakpa enters a church & finds the priest.
"How may I help you son?" asks the priest.
"Am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see, she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess".
They go to the confession area.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What are your sins my son?"
Gorimakpa replies,
"The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister."
"Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess".
"Then another day, I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin".
"You know that is wrong my son".
"Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone,.."
The priest interrupts,
"Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?"
"Yes father".
There was silence after that.
Gorimakpa calls,
"Father?" "Father?"
Still silent.
The man peeps through and finds out that the priest is not no longer there.
He looks for him and finds him hiding.
"Why are you hiding father?"
The priest replies,
"I've just realized am the only one here and you came looking for ur wife".
"How may I help you son?" asks the priest.
"Am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see, she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess".
They go to the confession area.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What are your sins my son?"
Gorimakpa replies,
"The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister."
"Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess".
"Then another day, I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin".
"You know that is wrong my son".
"Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone,.."
The priest interrupts,
"Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?"
"Yes father".
There was silence after that.
Gorimakpa calls,
"Father?" "Father?"
Still silent.
The man peeps through and finds out that the priest is not no longer there.
He looks for him and finds him hiding.
"Why are you hiding father?"
The priest replies,
"I've just realized am the only one here and you came looking for ur wife".
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0
C
Consistency
The Vicar is Buying a Parrot
'Now, you're sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' he inquired.
'Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures him. 'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.'
'Brilliant. Wonderful!' grins the Vicar, 'but what happens if I pull both strings?'
'I fall off my perch, you twit!' screeches the parrot.
Copied and pasted!
'Now, you're sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' he inquired.
'Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures him. 'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.'
'Brilliant. Wonderful!' grins the Vicar, 'but what happens if I pull both strings?'
'I fall off my perch, you twit!' screeches the parrot.
Copied and pasted!
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Velcro... what a rip off!
All male tennis players are witches. Like Goran, even he's a witch.
I went to a football match in Japan recently. At the end of the game the players started doing martial arts. Apparently, they were playing ninjury time.
Tiger Woods hates golf buggies. I was talking to him about them the other day and he went off on one.
I found my Dad in the garden, slumped over the lawnmower in tears. Mum says, he's going through a rough patch.
All male tennis players are witches. Like Goran, even he's a witch.
I went to a football match in Japan recently. At the end of the game the players started doing martial arts. Apparently, they were playing ninjury time.
Tiger Woods hates golf buggies. I was talking to him about them the other day and he went off on one.
I found my Dad in the garden, slumped over the lawnmower in tears. Mum says, he's going through a rough patch.
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Consistency
Our father who art in Prison.
My Mum don't know his name,
Thy Riots come,
read it in the Sun,
In Birmingham as it is in London,
Give us this day our Giro cheque
and forgive us our Looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into Employment,
but deliver us free Housing,
For thine is the Reebok the Burberry and Bacardi, for ever and ever,
Innit.
My Mum don't know his name,
Thy Riots come,
read it in the Sun,
In Birmingham as it is in London,
Give us this day our Giro cheque
and forgive us our Looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into Employment,
but deliver us free Housing,
For thine is the Reebok the Burberry and Bacardi, for ever and ever,
Innit.
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0
C
Consistency
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am "About 32,' is the reply."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Morrison's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at Morrisons."
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am "About 32,' is the reply."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Morrison's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at Morrisons."
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Consistency
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future Politician."
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future Politician."
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