A few quick jokes I received this morning

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, 'F@ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'



Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'



Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

 

[downsouth]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..









"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

 

[TechFox]

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can Take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work In six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, Put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take Half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both Looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man With no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the Country is looking for work.'

 

[Paula Barrett]

Who's the nicest guy in the hospital?



The Ultra-Sound guy!

 

[Veronika]

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".