Worst or funniest CV?

[BizGurl]

My mum doesn't recruit regularly, but often gets sent spec CVs/covering letters. This week, she got one from a college leaver and was a bit shocked that the applicant got their own name (a common name with only one way of spelling it) wrong, and listed one of their GCSEs as 'GCSE Inglish Language'...

I know the person is only around 17/18-ish but really? Is this just being lazy, or a sign of the times with so-called rubbish schooling?

Anyhow, my mum said that even if she was hiring, she would never take on someone who can't spell their own name! She kindly gave the applicant a call to make them aware of their errors.

Whats the worst, most weird, or or even funniest CV you employers have recieved?

 

[14A]

What was the name? Bob?

 

[BizGurl]

What was the name? Bob?

I sense a lot of sarcasm there.

No it was a 4 letter female name but for obvious reasons can't say what it is.

 

[arcon5]

I worked at starbucks for a while and this student walked in asking about some employment. He was going in to year 2 I believe, was in a band, rocky sort of guy.
We had just finished employing people, even though he was told this he begged for the job and ended up serenading the manager with song!....

... he ended up being given a job

 

[estwig]

It's done the rounds, but still funny.................



This Kid will go far…

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and 'post-it' notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That's why I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

[tony84]

Ive seen a few...
1 had a drawing on the side - quite a nice design....but not on a CV.
1 on pink paper,
spelling mistakes,
seen one which said he was looking for a new job because he hated his manager due to irreconcilable (god knows how to spell that) differences.

Ive seen a few good ones which to be honest were that good, had we been looking for staff they wouldnt have got it because they were that switched on you could see them looking to start their own business next door and undercut you or something.

 

[Kernowman]

I used to put on my resume in the contact details section:

Address: 5 Anywhere Street, Nowhere, Lostland DD1 4XJ
Tel No: 09949 77455666
Email: [email protected]

Smoke signals: Puff . . . Puff, Puff, Puff . . . . Puff. Puff
Jungle Drums: Boom, diddy, boom, diddy, boom, boom, boom

Try the first two and if I am out, try the second two.

HORROR I dared to make my CV different

But I got lots of replies from employers that HAD a sense of humour

 

[BizGurl]

I worked at starbucks for a while and this student walked in asking about some employment. He was going in to year 2 I believe, was in a band, rocky sort of guy.
We had just finished employing people, even though he was told this he begged for the job and ended up serenading the manager with song!....

... he ended up being given a job

Is that because he had an amazing voice, or because the manager felt too under pressure?

 

[ChrisBD]

I once received a CV (and subsequently brought him in for interview, I just had to...) from someonw with an acceptable skill and exp range, BUT, in his covering letter he claimed to be the author of a regular article in an industry publication (under an industry specific pen name).

I just had to get this guy in for an interview; why? The author of the articles is (still do them) ME!

Safe to say he did not get the job and was left suitablly lost for words when questioned about his contacts at the magazine....

 

[chiggs]

When I worked in a management team at a 10 pin bowling centre a CV that stuck in my mind had, as the sole entry under 'hobbies and interests' - "armchair football"

 

[arcon5]

Is that because he had an amazing voice, or because the manager felt too under pressure?

I think it was a combination of them both. His voice wasn't that bas actually - but more than anything I think it was because he could talk for 10 people and she feared that when she went to sleep that don't she wouldn't be able to get his voice out of her head - that aside mind, he was actually fantastic to work with, customers loved him too !

The story by estwig = hilarious, had me on the floor laughing!

I know somebody that had an interview at staples a few years ago (think that store was struggling at the time) - but they spent the entire interview belittling her and laughing

 

[CraigieDD]

A mate sent me this recently. It's also done the rounds... But still makes me laugh out loud... Assuming one of the CV's made it through to employment, here's how the appraisal summary could be written...

"Takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes.."

"Gargled from the fountain of knowledge.."

"If you stand close enough to him you can hear the oceans.."

"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.."

"If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection.."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.."

"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately.."

"He would argue with a signpost.."

"He's been working with glue too much.."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime.."

"He doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier.."

"Got a full sixpack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.."

"When she opens his mouth it seems that it is only to change feet.."

"Not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe'.."

"I would not allow this employee to breed.."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.."

"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.."

"This person has delusions of adequacy.."

"Since my last report has reached rockbottom, and has started to dig.."

"Sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.."

"Has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.."

"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.."

"The lights are on but nobody's at home.."

"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.."

 

[Astaroth]

Have been recruiting for a junior project manager recently for a client and did laugh at one CV stating they had:

Exceptional atention to detale

If they weren't asking for £55k they may have been worth a first round interview

 

[deniser]

We had someone who went to Grammer School and (for a job which required an outgoing personality) said on their CV that they didn't complete their Uni course because they were too shy!

 

[Stephen Berry]

A guy from a youth club I used to help to lead many years ago went for a job in a bar.

Q have you got any experience of bar work?

A No, but I've watched coctail twice

he got the job

 

[E Storey]

Now you say they spelled theie name wrong but I have a vivid recollection of some woman sat at the other side of the office going absolutely ballistic at some upstart saying just that.

Think the quote was "look mate - I think after 30 years I'd know how to spell my own f*****g name!"

 

[ThePublisher]

I used to work at a radio station. We had somebody walk into reception with a home made cardboard box addressed to the station manager which he just left behind and walked out.

We'd had some recent trouble with a pirate radio station opening up locally which we had complained about, and the 'pirates' came in to speak with the manager - they were not people you'd really want to argue with. So we were a bit 'sensitive' to things at the time.

The station manager called the Police. They came and looked at the box and called out the bomb squad.

In the end it turned out to contain a job application as a radio presenter, and a demo tape.

Needless to say, he didn't get another foot through the door.

 

[Vaheed Akhtar]

A few months back, a guy applied for a job at one of my Deli's - So I read through it and was horrified at the spelling mistakes and bad grammar. This letter was sent through the local job centre and I was concerned for this guy, as it stated that he was in his early 50's and had family. I thought I had a duty to tell him that his CV sucked and that I could help him in some way. By the way, I had no jobs going. So I called, introduced myself and informed him of that fact that I had no jobs going. I then started talking about his CV - He replied: " sorry, I haven't got time, thanks anyways."

What a waste of a phone call (sigh!)