The daft joke thread!!

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FaerieB

  • #6
    estwig said:
    paddy and murphy in a plane,
    paddy says to murphy, if the plane goes upside down will we fall out?
    murphy says no we'll still be friends


    Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
    Click to expand...

    Congratulations on your 10000th post Estwig ... good move :D x
     
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    BizGurl

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  • #7
    A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

    She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

    The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
     
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    Beachcomber

  • #8
    Six retired gents, Fred, Bob and Alan were playing poker when poor Bob loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

    Fred looks around and asks, 'I suppose someone’s got to tell Bob's wife, Who will it be?'
    They draw straws.
    Alan picks the short one.
    They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
    'Discretion is my middle name' says Alan,' leave it to me.'

    Alan goes over to Bob's house and knocks on the door.
    Mrs. Bob answers, and asks what he wants.

    Alan declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'

    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Bob's wife.

    Alan replies 'Right-o, I'll go tell him now'
     
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    BizGurl

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  • #10
    10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

    :D
     
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    BizGurl

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  • #11
    OKAY....LAST ONE :rolleyes::D


    From A Mother With Love
    Dear Child,

    I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

    We don't live where we did when you left home.

    Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

    I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

    Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

    The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

    They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

    Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

    Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

    PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
     
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    BeeDub

  • #14
    Two women are beginning their game of golf. "Fore" shouts one as she tees off, seeing her ball heading towards a man on the fairway. The ball strikes the man and he falls down with holding his hands between his legs.

    The woman rushes over and explains she's a nurse and knows what to do. She unbuckles his belt and slips her hand down the mans pants, rubbing his genitals to ease the pain caused by the golf ball.

    "How's that?" she asks, proud of her quick thinking.

    "Fantastic" replies the injured man "but I've still got a broken thumb!!"
     
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    BizGurl

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  • #16
    Okay....another few poor ones...:rolleyes::D

    Everyday for quite a while a young boy brought raisins to his teacher,
    until one day he suddenly stopped bringing them.

    After a few days without raisins the teacher was curious and asked why he
    had stopped, and he replied:

    "I'm sorry. My rabbit died."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How do you get holy water?
    Boil the hell out of it

    :rolleyes::rolleyes::)
     
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    FaerieB

  • #23
    This one won me 21 fleas ... here it is for those who didn't see it ... it should be on ALL joke threads in the world :D x


    A man is sitting with his accountant going through his deductions at the Tax Office. The HMRC representative states that gambling losses are not deductible..

    The man says, “But Im a gambler by trade, if I can prove it will you allow them?”
    Sure, says the tax guy and yawns ...


    The man says, “I will bet you £3,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
    “You’re on” says the tax guy, “and your accountant is my witness”
    The man removes his glass eye, bites it and then returns it to his socket.
    “Shit” says the tax guy wondering how he is going to explain this to his wife.

    “Ill tell you what ” says the man, “if I can bite the other eye, will you bet another £3,000?”. Pretty sure the man is not blind and with the option of squaring his debt, he agrees. The man duly removes his dentures and bites the other eyeball. The tax guy slumps further into his seat and starts to realise he is being stuffed.

    “OK” says the man.”How about double or quits? How about I bet I can stand next to you and p1ss over your desk into your dustbin without getting a drop on your papers. Its tempting. The Tax guy thinks this is clearly a win and notices the mans accountant starting to look uncomfortable.


    “OK” say the tax guy, “Lets see you do it, double or quits.

    The man stands next to the tax guy and proceeds to p1ss all over his desk and papers. The tax guy jumps up, hugs him and says “I won”, “I won”

    The accountant at this stage bursts into tears.
    “Whats wrong?” says the asks the tax guy

    He bet me £20,000 before this meeting that he could stand next to you, p1ss all over your papers, and that you would be happy about it….
     
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    Consistency

  • #31
    FaerieB said:
    This one won me 21 fleas ... here it is for those who didn't see it ... it should be on ALL joke threads in the world :D x


    A man is sitting with his accountant going through his deductions at the Tax Office. The HMRC representative states that gambling losses are not deductible..

    The man says, “But Im a gambler by trade, if I can prove it will you allow them?”
    Sure, says the tax guy and yawns ...


    The man says, “I will bet you £3,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
    “You’re on” says the tax guy, “and your accountant is my witness”
    The man removes his glass eye, bites it and then returns it to his socket.
    “Shit” says the tax guy wondering how he is going to explain this to his wife.

    “Ill tell you what ” says the man, “if I can bite the other eye, will you bet another £3,000?”. Pretty sure the man is not blind and with the option of squaring his debt, he agrees. The man duly removes his dentures and bites the other eyeball. The tax guy slumps further into his seat and starts to realise he is being stuffed.

    “OK” says the man.”How about double or quits? How about I bet I can stand next to you and p1ss over your desk into your dustbin without getting a drop on your papers. Its tempting. The Tax guy thinks this is clearly a win and notices the mans accountant starting to look uncomfortable.


    “OK” say the tax guy, “Lets see you do it, double or quits.

    The man stands next to the tax guy and proceeds to p1ss all over his desk and papers. The tax guy jumps up, hugs him and says “I won”, “I won”

    The accountant at this stage bursts into tears.
    “Whats wrong?” says the asks the tax guy

    He bet me £20,000 before this meeting that he could stand next to you, p1ss all over your papers, and that you would be happy about it….
    Click to expand...


    Here it is again! You are cordially invited to place this joke on my Dogs and Religion thread as created by the much missed and delightful this and that! :)
     
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