sales introduction letter - please critique

[probook]

I work for myself in IT Support (SME sector), looking to write to local businesses in view of arranging a meeting in regard to their IT needs. I have written a first draft of my letter, I would appreciate any feedback good or bad or advice on what to change. Many thanks.

.................

Dear Sir/Madam,

Re: Offering you more value for money from a local company.

I am writing to introduce you to our Midlands-based company, ITSupport who specialise in helping businesses of all size manage and support their IT network. Every one of the customers who we have welcomed on board in the last 10 years has saved money and time from allowing us to help them.

ITSupport already work with other establishments in your sector [such as xxx – ] and have developed long standing relationships along the way. We recognise that it to succeed in our industry, we have to strive towards delivering some of the best service levels in the marketplace. Also, as a medium sized business, we have to use our size in offering unbeatable value for money.

Our portfolio of services includes the following:

• Support Services – We act as your IT helpdesk dealing with problems quickly and effectively
• Consultancy Services – Stand alone projects undertaken to your specification
• Disaster Recovery – Keeping your business running in the event of a major catastrophe
• Security – Safeguarding your network from the danger of ever more complex viruses
• Anti-spam – We offer the very latest in programs to keep junk out of your inbox
• Security Penetration Testing
• Network Health Checks
• Systems Hosting – Providing external highly secure data storage

As a sign of our commitment to building long-term relationships we often provide free 30 day trials of most of our products and services and I would be happy to discuss this with you.

I would like to organise the opportunity to have an initial meeting with you where I would seek to learn more about your business and show you areas where I am confident we would be able to make real cost savings.

As such, I hope you won’t object to me contacting you on Thursday 30th March 2012 by telephone to fix a 20 minute face to face appointment in the near future.

Thank you for your time

Yours sincerely,


John Doe

 

[businessfunding]

Hi john

it is technically a good letter, but perhaps a little detailed.

Can I suggest that you take a big step back and think about what your customer is buying, as opposed to what you are selling.

Other than geography I would probably be your typical customer. Whilst I have anti-virus, back up etc etc, what I really want to buy is very difference:

- Peace of mind
- Reliability
- Help and advice in plain English
- Business continuity
- The right size solution for my needs

etc etc..

Your hook is the 30 day trial, so realy needs more priminence, either as the opener or the close or both)

I think it is a good idea to specify a time to call, but be realistic! If you don't meet your own targets you are off to a bad start! - how about I will call within the next 5 days..?

 

[directmarketingadvice]

There are some promising things in the letter, but also things where I think it falls down.

Firstly:

Re: Offering you more value for money from a local company.

I'd dump this. It's not related to the rest of your message.

Every one of the customers who we have welcomed on board in the last 10 years has saved money and time from allowing us to help them.

If I were a prospect, this is the bit that would interest me, but you just leave it hanging. How has this happened? What sort of time and money have they saved?

Also, as a medium sized business, we have to use our size in offering unbeatable value for money.

How have you done that?

Finally, I think you need to think about who these prospects are. If they're a good fit for your services, does that mean they're already using an IT company? If so, why should they switch to you?

If they're not using an IT company, why not?

Hope this helps,

Steve

 

[drcaz]

Be careful on the punctuation and it's Yours faithfully (because you do not know the name of who you are writing to).

 

[dbaplaya]

Look's good so far, although may be a little too much, I would think about keeping it short and to the point.

 

[MikeJ]

We recognise that it to succeed in our industry

Doesn't make sense.

we have to strive towards delivering some of the best service levels in the marketplace

"some of the best"? Why not "the best"?

Also, as a medium sized business, we have to use our size in offering unbeatable value for money

I've no idea what that means, so I guess your customers won't either. You say you work for yourself? If so, you're not a medium sized business I'm afraid. Tell them the truth, don't say something they later find out is not true.

As a sign of our commitment to building long-term relationships we often provide free 30 day trials of most of our products and services and I would be happy to discuss this with you.

Drop "often" from this.

 

[MyAccountantOnline]

It's a bit too long for me and this always really puts me off I just find it way too pushy -

I would like to organise the opportunity to have an initial meeting with you where I would seek to learn more about your business and show you areas where I am confident we would be able to make real cost savings.

As such, I hope you won’t object to me contacting you on Thursday 30th March 2012 by telephone to fix a 20 minute face to face appointment in the near future.​