Please Critique My Sales Letter

[SELC Ltd]

After my original thread asking for a critique, I have taken on board the comments I was given (mainly re it being too long) and have written a 2nd draft with the new amendments. I have reduced the wordcount by almost 50% and re-worded certain aspects.


My company is a landscaping business providing hard landscaping solutions including driveways, brickwork, decking, patios etc.


The intention of the letter is to encourage enquiries for our driveway design and installation service. These letters will be posted to specifically chosen homeowners who's driveway could do with being resurfaced, in a local area.

I also have 3 pictures of new driveways to add to the letter


All criticisms are welcome.


Many Thanks for your time.

Do you want to add up to 15%* to the value of your property whilst dramatically improving the appearance of your home?​

Add Thousands to the Value of your Property

The average house price in your area of <Name of town> is valued at £187,423** giving you the opportunity to add £28,000 to the value of your home.

How can this be done??

Transform an Ugly Driveway into something Spectacular

Are you embarrassed with your ugly driveway ruining the appearance of your home, making it unsightly and unwelcoming to guests?

Frustrated with having to park your car on cracked, life-less concrete?

Tired of parking on a dirt track?

Do you want extra space to park your cars?

A custom designed driveway individually tailored to enhance your homes surroundings may just be the answer to your problems

Why Choose SELC Ltd?

• Free, no obligation consultation & site survey

Don't hesitate to get in touch via phone or email, if you'd welcome an informal consultation at a time that suits you. We can arrange for a visit from one our team of expert craftsman with hands on experience - not a salesman

• No deposit required

We don't ask for any money until you are 100% satisfied with the job

• Highly Trained, Professional Craftsmen

All of our staff are highly trained in driveway installation to ensure the work is carried out to the highest possible standards. We also hold Public Liability Insurance covering our customers for up to £5million.

• 10 Year Guarantee

We are so confident that you will not find any problems with your new driveway that we are offering a 10 YEAR GUARANTEE ON MATERIALS and a 5 YEAR GUARANTEE ON WORKMANSHIP.

• Highest Quality Materials

We only supply the highest quality materials that will give your driveway long lasting strength. Choose from a wide range of block styles; from smooth contemporary blocks to the natural beauty of granite or sandstone.

• Industry leading standards

Our foundations exceed strict industry standards by over 50% - Eliminating any concerns of your driveway sinking

We take great care when designing your driveway to ensure that surface water run off is efficiently managed via installing linear drains and soakways to suit the requirements of each individual driveway we design


Call us today on 0800 000 000 and arrange for a FREE, NO OBLIGATION CONSULTATION & SITE SURVEY with one of our team of experts

P. S Complete the look with a Decorative Garden Wall

We can also replace your broken wall with a unique, decorative garden wall as well as installing gates and iron railings - perfectly complementing your new driveway.


Kind Regards,


<my signature to go here>


Managing Director
SELC Ltd
Hard Landscaping Specialist


Call us: 0800 000 000 or 07777 777 777
Email us: <email address>



We cater for all your landscaping needs including:
Complete Garden Design & Installation…Patios….Garden Walls….Retaining Walls…. Fencing….Decking….Pergolas


*source: Landscape Juice Network
**source: Her Majesty's Land Registry (HMLR). House Price Index (March 2012), Average house price for postcodes CM13,CM14 and CM15

 

[Montaigne]

Yeah, it's fine but you're going to need a great deal of people to send this through to. 99% of people who get it through the mail won't even read it before binning it.

 

[SELC Ltd]

Yeah, it's fine but you're going to need a great deal of people to send this through to. 99% of people who get it through the mail won't even read it before binning it.

Thanks for your comments. Yes I plan on delivering to at least 1000 homeowners

 

[Montaigne]

Just don't be disheartened if out of those 1000 you only get 5 queries! There's not a massive success rate on leafleting.

On the other hand if you compare the cost of 1000 leaflets and the labour to deliver them to the worth of 5 new driveways it will probably keep it in perspective

 

[SELC Ltd]

Just don't be disheartened if out of those 1000 you only get 5 queries! There's not a massive success rate on leafleting.

On the other hand if you compare the cost of 1000 leaflets and the labour to deliver them to the worth of 5 new driveways it will probably keep it in perspective

Yes the aim is to get 5 jobs through it...which make it a very worthwhile activity

Also once ive got into an area it should be easier to sell to other homeowners nearby as well as any referrals I may get as a result

 

[Montaigne]

Also once ive got into an area it should be easier to sell to other homeowners nearby as well as any referrals I may get as a result

Yes, that's a good strategy. There's nothing better than such and such a person saying "I got my driveway done by these chaps last month. They did an excellent job and I'm really pleased with it. I've got their number around here somewhere".

 

[SELC Ltd]

I am going to offer a £50 reward for referrals to help encourage this

 

[Chris Ashdown]

Do houses at £187,000 really spend on doing up their drives, I would have though most sales would be to £3-400,000 and above price range

 

[Deleted member 138423]

I am going to offer a £50 reward for referrals to help encourage this

You've already asked for referrals of previous clients?

 

[SELC Ltd]

Do houses at £187,000 really spend on doing up their drives, I would have though most sales would be to £3-400,000 and above price range

Yes they do, although they are usually only after something quite basic costing around £3k.

The area im targetting is definitely an affluent one though and there are many houses around £400k+

 

[SELC Ltd]

You've already asked for referrals of previous clients?

No as we havent done any driveways yet as we are quite a new business.

 

[patientlady]

No deposit requiredWe don’t ask for any money until you are 100% satisfied with the job

This statement seems rather open to abuse. What happens if the job is not to satisfaction?

• 10 Year Guarantee

We are so confident that you will not find any problems with your new driveway that we are offering a 10 YEAR GUARANTEE ON MATERIALS and a 5 YEAR GUARANTEE ON WORKMANSHIP.

Can you really offer this guarantee? or does the insurance cover it

I just worry about these statements that could bite you later on!

 

[Deleted member 138423]

No as we havent done any driveways yet as we are quite a new business.

Ok, then I feel within the sales letter, you really need to stress how you're different from any competitors and how you can demonstrate this difference to your potential customer. Spouting forth clams is all good and well, but you need to be able to back it up for credibility sake and also potential contracts. Is there any way you can do this?

 

[SELC Ltd]

No deposit requiredWe don’t ask for any money until you are 100% satisfied with the job

This statement seems rather open to abuse. What happens if the job is not to satisfaction?

• 10 Year Guarantee

We are so confident that you will not find any problems with your new driveway that we are offering a 10 YEAR GUARANTEE ON MATERIALS and a 5 YEAR GUARANTEE ON WORKMANSHIP.

Can you really offer this guarantee? or does the insurance cover it

I just worry about these statements that could bite you later on!

Some good points there thanks. Well in the contract there will be a clause defining what is regarded as 100% satisfaction. Which will basically mean that if the driveway is installed as per the design then the customer will have to pay. Also, all materials will remain our property until we have received full payment

The guarantee on materials is included by our supplier which we will then pass onto the customer. Our 5 year guarantee is covered by our insurance

 

[SELC Ltd]

Ok, then I feel within the sales letter, you really need to stress how you're different from any competitors and how you can demonstrate this difference to your potential customer. Spouting forth clams is all good and well, but you need to be able to back it up for credibility sake and also potential contracts. Is there any way you can do this?

Well ive tried to cover this under `why choose selc ltd`. There are a couple more usps but ive decided to omit these to keep the wordcount down

 

[christian_d]

Add Thousands to the Value of your Property

The average house price in your area of <Name of town> is valued at £187,423** giving you the opportunity to add £28,000 to the value of your home.

Adding a driveway for 3-4k (£££ guess) isn't going to increase the value of someones home by 28k. I know you haven't said it will but you've almost suggested it. Constructive criticism by the way but you musn't insult someones intelligence.

But an investment in your driveway will give your house some 'curb appeal' which in turn will add value once you decide to sell.

Your main competition isn't other driveway companies. I'd suggest it's new kitchens, combi boilers, landscape gardeners a new motor or even the family's summer holiday. It's a really good sales pitch without reading back I think you did say that the mailer was 'targeted' but 1,000 isn't enough and 5 enquiries doesn't = 5 sales.

Also I agree with the poster who suggested targeting bigger houses as bigger houses have bigger driveways and bigger driveways have bigger invoice values.

Good luck

 

[ILilja]

I'm not familiar with your area of business, so I'll focus on how your print letter comes across as a first impression:

- You are asking a lot of questions, some of which are your questions to the reader (like "Tired of parking on a dirt track?") and some are you imagining your reader's questions (like How can this be done??) - both could work as paragraph headlines, but make sure that you are answering them in the text that follows. Too many questions are confusing, especially if they are not balanced with regular prose, i.e. your answer to the question. I'm sure your questions are valid, though, but I would stick to the most relevant ones and keep questions to 3-4 tops.
-You could take out your subheadline (Add thousands....) as it says the same as your headline and go straight to the body text.
- I would limit the number of bullets to a max of 5 (and put the quarantee one at the top)
- Do you have a website where people can find more information?
- Can you add a price - or price range - to your PS (the garden wall)?
- When you come to the point where you have happy customers to refer to, ask them to provide a short testimonial and add it to your sales letter

I haven't seen your 1st draft, but I think your short headlines and paragraphs work well.

Good luck!

 

[fisicx]

All 1000 are going to go straight in the bin.

If I want my drive done then I'll find someone to do it for me. Anyone who shoves a flyer through my door is going to be regarded as a bit dodgy.

Pay someone to write it for you. £200 will get you something decent so maybe 1 in 1000 will actually read it and maybe even keep it along with the takeaway menus.

Write to me personally, put a local number on the letter and offer to meet me to discuss options but do not send a flyer.

You also need to survey the houses you are targeting to see if their driveways need fixing and if there are any restrictions on the type of drive surface.

Bin the flyer, it's a waste of money.

 

[SELC Ltd]

I'm not familiar with your area of business, so I'll focus on how your print letter comes across as a first impression:

- You are asking a lot of questions, some of which are your questions to the reader (like "Tired of parking on a dirt track?") and some are you imagining your reader's questions (like How can this be done??) - both could work as paragraph headlines, but make sure that you are answering them in the text that follows. Too many questions are confusing, especially if they are not balanced with regular prose, i.e. your answer to the question. I'm sure your questions are valid, though, but I would stick to the most relevant ones and keep questions to 3-4 tops.
-You could take out your subheadline (Add thousands....) as it says the same as your headline and go straight to the body text.
- I would limit the number of bullets to a max of 5 (and put the quarantee one at the top)
- Do you have a website where people can find more information?
- Can you add a price - or price range - to your PS (the garden wall)?
- When you come to the point where you have happy customers to refer to, ask them to provide a short testimonial and add it to your sales letter

I haven't seen your 1st draft, but I think your short headlines and paragraphs work well.

Good luck!

Hi ILija

Thanks for the comments, I will look to take a couple of the questions out and make sure that the ones that I leave have answers to them. I need to reduce the amount of text a bit anyway as it wont quite fit onto 1 side of A4, which I think is important that it does.

I dont have a website as of yet but I will have by the time these letters can sent out

It would be very difficult to give even a price range for the cost of a new wall as it can vary greatly depending upon the size, type of brick used and the style

 

[SELC Ltd]

All 1000 are going to go straight in the bin.

If I want my drive done then I'll find someone to do it for me. Anyone who shoves a flyer through my door is going to be regarded as a bit dodgy.

Pay someone to write it for you. £200 will get you something decent so maybe 1 in 1000 will actually read it and maybe even keep it along with the takeaway menus.

Write to me personally, put a local number on the letter and offer to meet me to discuss options but do not send a flyer.

You also need to survey the houses you are targeting to see if their driveways need fixing and if there are any restrictions on the type of drive surface.

Bin the flyer, it's a waste of money.

Well even if I only manage to get 1 job out of it then it will still be a profitable marketing activity. In this game a lot of work comes through referrals, so who knows even that one job could lead to more work. Also, once im in on a particular road it will become a lot easier to sell to other homeowners in the area, as I intend to canvass the road I'm working on. It will be a far easier sell when I can show potential customers the finish job

Im not actually sending out a glossy flyer that most of companies do. It is going to be a sales letter, delivered in a hand addressed envelope and as I stated in my original post; I shall only be delivering to homes with driveways that need rebuilding.

On the back of the letter there will be a few colour pictures showing the type of work we do. With the letter I am also going to put a business card (which can be kept when the letter inevitably gets binned) and also a branded pen with our company name, telephone number and web address as a free gift. I feel pretty confident that people will at least keep the pen.

Oh and our telephone number is a local one and the letter is aimed towards getting customers to arrange a free consultation