Mental Health

[LeasingEval]

A difficult post to write, but I am struggling with my mental health at the moment.

Will soon turn 50 and by this stage of life had always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company. I have achieved neither, and given where I am in life probably never will now.

My belief about what I woud have achieved by this stage in life was so strong that it became my identity. But is seems that I am not the right "material" to either be entreprenurial or shoot up the corporate ladder. I have a decent enought job in the tech sector, but am considerably older than other people at my career level with no sign of ever moving up. Having managers 10 to 15 years your junior is not good for mental health.

This gap between who I thought I was and who I am is now causing me extreme depression, anxiety and even suicial thoughts at times. (Don't worry - I am getting treatment and the right support and have too much to live for so won't be doing anything rash) - but the pain is intense - it is like being ripped apart from the inside out.

So I suppose my question is - has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you cope with it?
Or am I the first person to be here?

 

[Gyumri]

It sounds to me like you are valuing yourself only on the basis of your financial position and are unhappy that you are not where you would like to be and where you think you should be.

All that is based on your idea of "success."

I think sometimes we just have to accept that we haven't got what it takes. I mean many people worship money and they end up doing very nicely because all their waking time is spent on how to get more money - and then more.

Whereas other people have different values and money isn't such a big deal- so they don't do so well in business but they are still happy bunnies.

If you have time on your hands I would develop other interests that are not so money-orientated as it doesn't seem like you are cut out to be an office nerd or corporate big-wig.

And yes I think most people have been through the stretch of the tunnel that you describe.

 

[Mark T Jones]

I guess recognition is the first stage of remedy

I experienced a different version of the same thing - i actually was a director/ shareholder of a business with 3 branchs and as many as 30 staff.

It was only after I'd left to set up a smaller version of the same thing that I realised how unhappy I'd been. Essentially I'd been chasing someone else's dream/version of success.

The offices, cars, staff were vanity, a mental drain rather than a support.

I now operate a one man business from home & love it

So I guess the start point is to understand what real you rather than public you actually wants? Why does/dude it seem so important to have this textbook version of success?

 

[Socio South West]

You don't say how long you have been in the job, but it sounds like it may have been a long time.

Its a case of looking at the question ' Is the glass half full?' or 'Is the glass half empty?'

Ask yourself some questions - for example.... Are you financially ok as you are? Is your life stable as it is? Do you enjoy a reasonable life style outside the workplace?

If you are coming up with Yes answers then maybe you are doing better than you currently think - hence no need to change: That is the risk free but less exciting route.

If you come up with No's what can you change to alter it at your age - Job move? Start your own new business? Go freelance and find work as and when you can?

At the end of the day only the guy who looks at you in the mirror can decide these things and make the changes for you.

Like @Mark T Jones .... "I now operate a one man business from home & love it' (so much so that I gave up trying to retire after 6 weeks and am now back at the grindstone every day - but the Tax man's going to love me come April 6 )

 

[LeasingEval]

Thank you for the kind replies.
My desries to achieve more will never leave while I am alive - I know that from years of agonising experience of trying to put it behind me and enjoy what I have.

Am I financially ok - no, not really and the gap between me and others of my age experience is huge.

Have been in the job 30 years and now every day is filled with pain, pain, pain.
But I have commitmet and people that depend on me, so pain pain pain it is!

 

[Mark T Jones]

Thank you for the kind replies.
My desries to achieve more will never leave while I am alive - I know that from years of agonising experience of trying to put it behind me and enjoy what I have.

Am I financially ok - no, not really and the gap between me and others of my age experience is huge.

Have been in the job 30 years and now every day is filled with pain, pain, pain.
But I have commitmet and people that depend on me, so pain pain pain it is!

The desire to achieve more is a good thing.

It does need to be realistic and quantified. But most of all it needs to reflect you, not some perceived version of 'success' - and above all not a vision led by that clichéd local entrepreneur, swanning around in a Bentley, up to their eyeballs in debt.

 

[DontAsk]

Having managers 10 to 15 years your junior is not good for mental health.

If it helps, the opposite is also true.

I found it quite stressful managing older employees for a variety of reasons.

There are always two sides to any coin.

 

[LeasingEval]

If it helps, the opposite is also true.

No it does not help, but I am sure you know that.

 

[ctrlbrk]

I have a friend who's been talking me for ages about starting an IT business. First it was security consultancy. Then it was cloud consultancy. Then it was free, open software consultancy. Then it was something to do with firewalls.

I think lack of focus is one of his struggles, and he has yet to start his business.

I remember this was true also when we'd go to bars or pubs. He'd always try and get as many girls' phone numbers as he could (a quality that I envied in him).

I am not saying this is your issue, but a cursory check on your prior threads suggests it might be part of a pattern.

Also

But is seems that I am not the right "material" to either be entreprenurial or shoot up the corporate ladder.

Who is saying that to you? It this feedback you received and, if so, from whom?

 

[FreddyG]

So I suppose my question is - has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you cope with it?
Or am I the first person to be here?

It's called a midlife crisis and most people go through this phase.

The cure is to get older. I would not recommend the alternative!

But there's little to worry about because soon things will get so much worse for everybody as the recession gives way to a depression. The truth be known, we have been in a recession/depression since the Global Financial Crisis that began in 2007. From that time onwards, most incomes fell in their purchasing power by about 20-25%, thanks to inflation. And of course, as always, that hit the poor the hardest - "pour amuser les enfants!"

Right now, it is hitting the US really hard and companies from Walmart to Delta and American Airlines are seeing major downturns in turnover and profits. Now we have to add the effects of US tax policies that speak of total gibbering innumeracy.

Einstein told us that trying the same thing again and again and each time, expecting a different result is a sign of true madness.

So the US is trying to goose the economy with even more QE that always fails. China is now trying yet again to give QE another go. It didn't work the last time or the time before that. Germany is doing the same! No doubt that former Bank of England employee (allegedly!) Mrs. Reeves will do the same, accompanied of course with another bash at austerity (that also failed the last time another idiotic Oxford PPE graduate tried that one on!)

So you may find that your depression will be lifted significantly by watching the hilarity of seeing the whole world going totally bonkers!

Will soon turn 50 and by this stage of life had always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company.

So don't try! Follow Warren Buffett's advice "I don't look for seven-foot hurdles to jump over, but one-foot bars I can step over!"

Don't try to conquer the world, just do one little thing that is another small step in the right direction. Another one-foot bar to step over. I built a big workshop, about 150 sq m and 6m high and with two floors. I only worked on it one day a week and for that day, I set myself a very modest target. A bit of the foundation, a simple wooden wall. If I fell behind my target for that day, I did a bit on a Sunday.

Three years and just £3000 later, it was finished!

 

[MikeJ]

Thank you for the kind replies.
My desries to achieve more will never leave while I am alive - I know that from years of agonising experience of trying to put it behind me and enjoy what I have.

Am I financially ok - no, not really and the gap between me and others of my age experience is huge.

That's not the way to look at things. Stop comparing yourself to what others have done or are doing, and decide what you want to do that would make you happy. Are you comfortable in putting food on the table, and keeping a roof over your head? Sure, we'd all like flash cars, multiple homes, etc, but that's not for everyone. One thing I learned a long time ago is some people will have more money than me, and some will have less. No matter how much I have, I could still be looking at those with 10 or 100 times more than me. If you let that drive you, then you're always going to be unhappy.

 

[JEREMY HAWKE]

The biggest problem you have is working for somebody then putting yourself under extreme pressure to achieve Now you have not achieved what you thought you would achieve and now your down in the dumps

if you just stop and enjoy your life you might be a lot happier

The bloke you see driving the Lambo is a crack head who is winging it and on the edge of bankruptcy every morning and his wife is so stoned that she does not even know who he is

Although there are younger people in management positions in your firm you are under valuing what your industry and life time experience is bringing to the table . While people are senior to you, ,you would gain a lot yourself from helping them to reach their goals and ambition .

Spring is here summer is coming forget about money ,wealth and being Billy Bollocks get out there and enjoy it

I'm 55 and spend lots of time out doors and exercising and this maybe what the doctor ordered for you
I have a business but if the truth was know I would have expected to have made a much bigger amount than I have in my life and have a much larger company but I dont give a f££K and I enjoy my life

 

[Lucan Unlordly]

Will soon turn 50 and by this stage of life had always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company. I have achieved neither, and given where I am in life probably never will now.

I'm a lot older than you but started a side hustle whilst employed which eventually gave me some extra cash and a whole lot more enjoyment. Whilst employed I was older (and wiser) than most of my colleagues but it wasn't until I jumped ship that my future and head became clearer.

I took inspiration from two things, that..........Colonel Sanders started frying chicken when he was 42, aged 50 when he finalised his secret recipe and 62 when he opened his first franchised KFC outlet.
.........and from reading Dale Carnegies 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living' the 1948 best seller..
'• It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.'

 

[fisicx]

I get my pension next month but I stopped doing any real work years ago because we worked out we could survive on a much smaller income.

I had younger managers and useless staff. Never really bothered me as life doesn’t get better if you worry about things. It took 10 years of undiagnosed depression to realise this. The only person making you unhappy is yourself.

My advice to you @LeasingEval is to go get some therapy.

 

[Chris Ashdown]

I would suggest forget work get a hobby for your brain to learn something different, I found that after loosing my company i was bored stiff, my solution to search youtube for something that interested me,leading me to buy a small cnc machine and learn how to make things from design to finished product, I found it interesting and hurting my brain solving some problems along the way, but managed to rebuild my brain. suggestion look on YouTube and see if there is anything that interests you,

 

[SillyBill]

Echo some of the other comments. If its any consolation the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The times I've been making some of the most money I've ever made were also times I associate with being very stressful and quite frankly, most often, not worth it. Remains to be seen the damage that stress does for life expectancy. I have no regrets though and on balance I'm glad I have done what I have. Until you've sat in the hotseat though its difficult to describe to someone who hasn't that it isn't everything they dreamed it to be. In short life is about compromise and a series of exchanges, don't assume you would have been that much happier if things had panned out differently, you'd just have different problems.

 

[iconic]

A difficult post to write, but I am struggling with my mental health at the moment.

Will soon turn 50 and by this stage of life had always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company. I have achieved neither, and given where I am in life probably never will now.

My belief about what I woud have achieved by this stage in life was so strong that it became my identity. But is seems that I am not the right "material" to either be entreprenurial or shoot up the corporate ladder. I have a decent enought job in the tech sector, but am considerably older than other people at my career level with no sign of ever moving up. Having managers 10 to 15 years your junior is not good for mental health.

This gap between who I thought I was and who I am is now causing me extreme depression, anxiety and even suicial thoughts at times. (Don't worry - I am getting treatment and the right support and have too much to live for so won't be doing anything rash) - but the pain is intense - it is like being ripped apart from the inside out.

So I suppose my question is - has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you cope with it?
Or am I the first person to be here?

I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling.

Have you tried speaking with a therapist / counsellor at all?

 

[ekm]

So I suppose my question is - has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you cope with it?

I am not going through the same as you, and few people will be/have been or be able to see things the same way you do (and vice versa) but I definitely relate.

I am a tech worker also, and run a small business. I've run a side business for almost my entire working life and never had any problems with this, always been declared etc, and I've been with my current employer for quite afew years now - and whilst I've had a terrible few years it wasn't always this way, I thrived in the early years, the directors saw something in me, I was given the most difficult of investigations above people with more experience (not a competition but my growth was fast) and at points the company even offered to invest a lot of money in training me, I love the job, I loved the people and I loved the place. Life was amazing and promised to only get better. But it didn't.

As much as a snapshot of my life afew years back showed everything on a perfect trajectory, it all took a nosedive, teams changed, management changed, corporate got more corporate and people got less individual - my own mental health has been decimated by the way corporate has treated me since and today I've had the task of hiring a barrister to take on the company that a few years ago I would have defended and even recommended to anyone and everyone as both customer and worker.

I would never have beleived this possible. I don't know how you are feeling, or what your own journey is - but as someone who has a side business and a tech job one thing i do know is things can change, and what seems impossible one day, is literally happening the next.

There is an upside though, as fast and uncontrollable change is - its valid for positive changes too. You think you're in a bad place but don't underestimate how little things, and fast things, can make you feel very upbeat and that can be enough to give you a kick up the A to take on stuff you wouldn't have expected to feel up to. An anology I often use to people who are having a bad time is to look at the clouds in the sky, if you look at them you never see change, but I swear you get distracted for the smallest of times and when you look back it will be completely different. The same goes for feeling crap, it can last and it can linger, but never underestimate the speed of which things can change for the better as well.

That's my little story if you like. It sounds cliche but another important thing to remember is some peoples idea of success is absolute crap. If you lived it, you'd hate it even if they seem to love it. The corporate definition of success can really be quite lousy and deflating. When it comes to success 'you do you' is something you really can't overstate. If success means having a fancy job title and a brand new car on the drive, then fine, but on the other hand if it means being at peace in a not-so fancy house and your lifes work is simply nothing superficial except perhaps your own flock of chickens, that's just as good?

Acheiving success in 'how people view you' is very over-rated and can be quite miserable.

 

[HFE Signs]

I recently read a book called Rich Dad Poor Dad, quite interesting, has anyone else read it?

I'm not saying it will solve things, but it will give some understanding.

 

[NickGrogan]

I recently read a book called Rich Dad Poor Dad, quite interesting, has anyone else read it?

I'm not saying it will solve things, but it will give some understanding.

Interesting as long as you remember its a work of fiction and he made all his money from selling books and courses.

 

[FreddyG]

I recently read a book called Rich Dad Poor Dad, quite interesting, has anyone else read it?
I'm not saying it will solve things, but it will give some understanding.

I have read it - but the relevance to the issue here is tangential. Not everybody is Bob Kiyosaki and that book is not just about being an employee and getting trapped by 'The System' - whatever that might be!

A book about stress might be of greater use!

 

[ekm]

I recently read a book called Rich Dad Poor Dad, quite interesting, has anyone else read it?

I'm not saying it will solve things, but it will give some understanding.

No, I did read a short book once called something like 'the universe doesnt give a damn about you' the title sort of made you feel like you'd come out of it feeling worse, but it was more about realising you could be you because nobody really cares or is paying attention.

handy for those poeople not chasing their hobbies or dreams because under practice they might be a bit silly in the eyes of others.

 

[Dork Lard]

Ambition is very dangerous unless it can be qualified with success. I was lucky, I enjoyed some brilliant & very successful mentors in my formative years. Or was it luck? There is a chain of events that need to happen to be truly successful & you yourself & your character are the key to all of those events because the most truth you will ever hear is "it is damned hard work being this lucky". I don't think any of those mentors would have bothered with me if I did not have the qualities that they were looking for. I'm now at the age where I can spot those qualities in our young in the blink of an eye. If you are upset that you haven't achieved your ambitions then you really are nothing more than clinically depressed, which is a bona fide medical condition that can be treated if treatment is sought. Like I said at the beginning, ambition is very dangerous unless it can be qualified with success !

 

[NickGrogan]

always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company.

What did you specifically do to make either of these things actually happen?

 

[HFE Signs]

No, I did read a short book once called something like 'the universe doesnt give a damn about you' the title sort of made you feel like you'd come out of it feeling worse, but it was more about realising you could be you because nobody really cares or is paying attention.

handy for those poeople not chasing their hobbies or dreams because under practice they might be a bit silly in the eyes of others.

I don't believe in fate or luck, we are all in charge of our own destiny - during your live you have choices and opportunities, it's about spotting the opportunities and you attitude towards balancing the measured risks.

 

[marcus_bond]

A difficult post to write, but I am struggling with my mental health at the moment.

Will soon turn 50 and by this stage of life had always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company. I have achieved neither, and given where I am in life probably never will now.

My belief about what I woud have achieved by this stage in life was so strong that it became my identity. But is seems that I am not the right "material" to either be entreprenurial or shoot up the corporate ladder. I have a decent enought job in the tech sector, but am considerably older than other people at my career level with no sign of ever moving up. Having managers 10 to 15 years your junior is not good for mental health.

This gap between who I thought I was and who I am is now causing me extreme depression, anxiety and even suicial thoughts at times. (Don't worry - I am getting treatment and the right support and have too much to live for so won't be doing anything rash) - but the pain is intense - it is like being ripped apart from the inside out.

So I suppose my question is - has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you cope with it?
Or am I the first person to be here?

Yes, get yourself into talking therapy (with an approved (UKCP/BAPC) integrated psychotherapist)... probably long term.

Crisis's are an opportunity to choose a different path. Seen positively in that way, they are the very thing necessary to drive one to change. Most people choose the old well worn path, but a few choose a different path, which always give me a thrill that they are so brave to dare to go on a journey with a therapist to guide them. Not at all easy, but the best money I ever spent... 50 minutes a week, and stayed in therapy for 7 years.

 

[tomyderigo]

Dear "L", it makes me terribly sad to read your cry-for-help. You must be incredibly lonely (despite commitments and some dependants). I don't know the solution, but I know two things: 1) you are not special, everyone hits his ceiling sooner or later, even CEO's of multinational companies... and 2) there is no single solution for your problem. Getting professional help can be part of it, but you will need to make efforts beyond paying for medication and sessions with a coach or psychologist.

You are stuck. And only "L" can 'unstuck' "L". You will need new goals, new human connections, new plans and new responsibilities. These things will require learning and actions. Rediscover your thirst for new things and learning again. You're only 50: stillness, being stuck for another 15-20 years is not an option. Stop whining, please, stop reflecting on the gap between your expectations and reality, act and start forming a new reality.

 

[iconic]

Yes, get yourself into talking therapy (with an approved (UKCP/BAPC) integrated psychotherapist)... probably long term.

Crisis's are an opportunity to choose a different path. Seen positively in that way, they are the very thing necessary to drive one to change. Most people choose the old well worn path, but a few choose a different path, which always give me a thrill that they are so brave to dare to go on a journey with a therapist to guide them. Not at all easy, but the best money I ever spent... 50 minutes a week, and stayed in therapy for 7 years.

I qualify as a Psychotherapist in July this year... As part of my training I've had to have 60 sessions of personal therapy myself, it helps a lot! It's really helped me to focus and make the changes that I've needed to make. I would recommend it to everyone.

 

[Webgirl]

A difficult post to write, but I am struggling with my mental health at the moment.

Will soon turn 50 and by this stage of life had always thought I would either have a successful business of my own or be in a senior position in a respected large company. I have achieved neither, and given where I am in life probably never will now.

My belief about what I woud have achieved by this stage in life was so strong that it became my identity. But is seems that I am not the right "material" to either be entreprenurial or shoot up the corporate ladder. I have a decent enought job in the tech sector, but am considerably older than other people at my career level with no sign of ever moving up. Having managers 10 to 15 years your junior is not good for mental health.

This gap between who I thought I was and who I am is now causing me extreme depression, anxiety and even suicial thoughts at times. (Don't worry - I am getting treatment and the right support and have too much to live for so won't be doing anything rash) - but the pain is intense - it is like being ripped apart from the inside out.

So I suppose my question is - has anyone else ever felt like this and how did you cope with it?
Or am I the first person to be here?

I'm so sad to read this and sorry you are in such pain. Much of what you express here is about you holding fixed beliefs about things and being unable to have some flexibility or to develop a more growth mindset which is about thinking you are capable of change. It is likely that it is this mindset which unwittingly and no doubt very unconsciously is creating much of the ways in which you are stuck. You are also attaching all of your self worth to your career success and spending all your time noticing the gap between where you are and where you want to be in this life area. This will never make you happy. I wonder if you can put your focus for a while outside of your work and try to build your sense of self through other things, relationships, hobbies, developing a new skill, volunteering somewhere? Look at your overall life and see which other sections can be focused on, enjoyed and improved. Try to find something to be grateful for every day and write it down and look for what Richard E Grant calls 'pockets of happiness' in every day because they are there if you look for them. wishing you well.