Let get the jokes coming in

[rf-harris]

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?

Me: Oh, very easy.

Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook.

Me: Oh. Very hard.

Father: Oh, OK.
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design.

 

[Root 66 Woodshop]

You know when this thread is dead... when the last person... literally kills it.

25 days and no posts... says enough!

 

[simon field]

Tell a joke then!

 

[Root 66 Woodshop]

Simon Field.



Badaboom! TSSHH!!

Only jokin hehe.

 

[STDFR33]

Not a joke as such, but I did overhear a conversation in a pub a few years back.

Dave: Paul died over the weekend.
Steve: What did he die of?
Dave: I'm not sure, but it wasn't anything serious

Not serious? It bloody killed him!

 

[Gecko001]

This one comes courtesy of Frank Skinner:

Man rings Magpie Appreciation Society and got the following recorded message: Please press, 1 for sorry, 2 for joy.......

 

[STDFR33]

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven.

 

[Ashley_Price]

[Apologies if I put this on before... I thought it was on the old joke thread]

A chap starts his own business and opens his office. On the first day he is sitting there and suddenly he sees several people coming in the door. To try and impress them, he grabs the phone and pretends to hold a conversation, mentioning large figures, and sums of money, talking about high value contracts, agreeing meetings in different European countries and so on.

After a couple of minutes of this silliness, he finally puts the phone down and says to the first person "So, what can I do for you?"

The man replies "I've come to install the phone line."

 

[Ashley_Price]

Why, if you send a delivery across land it is called a SHIPment, but if you send it across water it becomes CARgo?

 

[Ashley_Price]

A trainer is talking to his jockey about how to prepare for the next race, as he goes to give the horse a couple of sugar cubes, a loud yell comes across the stables "STOP THAT!" and a large fat man comes walking over. "I saw you trying to give that horse something to eat. It might be some sort of performance enhancer."

From the badge the man is wearing, the trainer realises he is an official from the British Horse Racing Authority. The trainer says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have must be mistaken, these are just sugar cubes I was going to give to horse."

The man replies, "Well, you can't, they might be drugged."

"Not at all," replied the trainer, "Here let me show you." The trainer then proceeds to eat one of the cubes and offers the second one to the official. He hesitates at first, but when he sees the trainer eat one of the cubes, he shrugs his shoulders and takes the other and pops it into his mouth, tasting it to see if he can detect anything.

"You see," says the trainer, "Simply sugar cubes." He takes a few more from his pocket and feeds them to the horse.

The official replies, "Okay then. But you understand we have to be careful" and off he strides.

The trainer waits until the official is out of sight before continuing his conversation with the jockey. "Now, Charlie, do just like I said. Keep the horse reined in and stay in the pack until the last bend. As you come round there let the horse have its head. Just let him go. And don't worry, because if anything passes you it will only be myself or that fat bastard of an official."

 

[Ashley_Price]

A lady went into a library and asked the librarian if she knew of a book about Schrödinger's cat and Pavlov's Dog.

The librarian replied she wasn't sure, but it rang a bell

 

[Ashley_Price]

A solicitor advertised that he would answer three questions free of charge.

A lady walked in and said "Hello, how are you? Do you really answer three questions for free?"

The solicitor replied, "I'm well thank you. Yes, I do... and what's your third question?"

 

[Ashley_Price]

A wife decides to surprise her executive husband at his office, by popping in one day. As she walks through to his office, she is stunned to see the husband's secretary sitting on his lap.

Without batting an eyelid, the husband continues his dictation "... and, in conclusion, this report shows why my office needs a second chair."

 

[Root 66 Woodshop]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use chicken feathers to tickle.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

 

[Ashley_Price]

In the days of door-to-door salesmen, a chap was selling vacuum cleaners. He called at an old dilapidated house and and elderly woman answered and let him in.

They went into the front room and the salesman took out of his case a paper bag. To the woman's horror, he then proceeded to pour the contents of the bag out until the carpet was covered in dust, dirt, little bits of fluff, coal particles, etc. He then walked over the dust and dirt to ensure it was ground into the carpet. At this point the woman looked like she was going to have a heart attack.

Then, as he picked up the vacuum cleaner's plug, the salesman said "Don't worry. I know this looks a mess, but I am so confident that our vacuum cleaner will clear it all up, that if it doesn't, I will LICK the carpet clean."

The women replied "You better getting licking then, our electricity was cut off yesterday."

 

[Ashley_Price]

I remember hearing the comedian Jethro tell this (clean) joke about a Fishmongers, but I've not been able to find a clip on the internet.

So, my friend opened a fishmongers, and the sign in the window said "FRESH FISH SOLD HERE!".

After a few days, I popped in to see him, and while we were chatting, I said to him, I've been looking at your sign. You know, you really don't need the word "FRESH" on the sign. I mean, after all, everyone realises you're selling fresh fish, you're not going to be selling old fish are you."

The next week the sign had changed to read "FISH SOLD HERE".

I stood for a minute, reading the sign before going inside . I said to my friend: "I've been looking at your sign. You know, I don't think you really need the word "SOLD" in it. I mean after all, everyone realises you're not going to be giving it away."

The next week the sign had changed to read "FISH HERE".

I popped in again, and said to my friend, "I've been looking at your sign. You know, you don't really need the word "HERE". After all, it's obvious, you're here, you're not selling fish anywhere else. Plus, just having the one word "FISH" looks really modern and contemporary."

The next week the sign just read "FISH".

A few days later, I popped in and said to my friend, "You know, do you really need to have the word "FISH" in your sign. People can smell from yards away what you sell, you really don't need to tell people it's fish. And they can see what you sell through the window."

The next week the shop closed down. Apparently, he didn't have enough customers. I don't know why.

 

[14Steve14]

Transvestites are men who like to eat drink and be Mary

Men are on this planet because vibrators can't buy drinks

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something

 

[Thermodynamic Man]

You really need to try and get out more Ashley

 

[webgeek]

If PRO is the opposite of CON

what's the opposite of PROgress

no, silly, it's not CONgress

[hint, hint - think oval office and election winners]

 

[Luc Durand]

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan.

 

[Luc Durand]

Trump’s limo ran a light yesterday and hit my car … but my insurance won’t cover it – they say it was an act of God

 

[makeyourbusinessbetter]

Why do accountants not look out of the window in the morning?

It gives them something to do in the afternoon!

 

[Andrew Rutherford]

Still on the Trump wagon:

What's Donald Trump's favorite nation?
Discrimination

 

[TheHighwayMan]

I walked into a shop the other day and a man started throwing cheese, butter and milk at me.

How dairy!

 

[aManHasNoName]

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

 

[Ashley_Price]

"Tomorrow's Psychic Meeting has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances."

 

[Simon Baker]

A daughter comes to the house and start talking with dad. When asked what she does for living, she said how she works as a prostitute. Dad start to scream, outraged and saying many other things, till daughter says:
Dad!
What??? Replied Dad.
Do you see that Mercedes parked outside?
Yes. what about it?
It's yours.
Oh Prostitute i though you said Protestant

 

[Simon Baker]

Im trying to write a book about procrastination, but I just keep putting it off.

 

[webgeek]

After seeing the England and Wales speeding fines were going to be income-based, I've decided to stop working, spend more than I earn, and based on my new deficit spending approach, figure every time I'm stopped for speeding they'll have to give me a rebate instead of charge me a fine.

 

[1981richard parker]

A brown paper bag goes to the doctors worried that he has AIDS. The doctor assures him that as a brown paper bag there is no way he could have the virus and asks why on earth he would think that. The paper bag replies "my mom was a carrier"

 

[Prince_Nirala]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

 

[Prince_Nirala]

I’m a magical fairy. You can have two wishes.

What? But I want three wishes!

Very good, granted. You now have two wishes left.

 

[Ashley_Price]

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?"

Patient: "Give me the good news."

Doctor: "You have 7 days left to live."

Patient: "What?! That's the good news? What the hell is the bad news?!"

Doctor: "The report got delayed, I should have told you 6 days ago."

 

[Ione]

At a medical check up in order to get a job in a food industry:
Doctor: "Do you have an allergy?"
Candidate: "Yes, I do have an allergy for work."

 

[Shahid Awan]

Son asks the father: "Papa, what is an alcoholic?" Father: "Do you see the 4 trees?" An alcoholic sees eight trees. " Son: "But there are only 2 ...."

 

[micheal1981]

my missus didnt believe me when i told her id made a fully working car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when i drove pasta!!!!

 

[mostyn]

whats really small and knows kung fu?

Bruce Flea..........

 

[Tony Smith]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Dug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no idea

 

[Ione]

About the loans.
A long time ago a woodcutter came to a tradesman and asked for a pound note.
What for? Asked the tradesman.
I'd like to buy the new ax since my old one is in terrible condition. Replied the woodcutter.
When I'll get money back? Asked the tradesman.
In a month. Replied the woodcutter.
Ok, I give you a pound note for a month, but on the condition that you'll bring two pounds. That is my interest. Besides that, I should keep you old ax till you'll return the money. That is a pledge, in case you fail with your obligations. Said the tradesman.
Okey, I agree. Replied the woodcutter.
Oh, wait! Said the tradesman before the woodcutter leave.
You know, it might be difficult for you to bring me such a huge amount (two pounds) at once. Said the tradesman, and proposed the woodcutter to give a pound note back.
Agreed. Replied the woodcutter.
So the woodcutter gave a pound note back to the tradesman and went out. And only after that, the woodcutter realized that he does not have his old ax, a pound note, and he still owns one pound note to the tradesman.

The end

 

[Shonda Myers]

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.