Let get the jokes coming in
- Thread starter slakeman
- Start date
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
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S
Steve Sellers
I honestly believe Man Utd will win the league under Moyes next season.
They'll face stiff competition from Blackpool and Watford though.
-----------------------------------------
Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.
I'd like to propose a similar alternative for Man United fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa - ****!!
------------------------------------------------
I can always tell when my Wifes been eating icecream.
There`s a shovel in the dishwasher.
--------------------------------------------------
After 5 years of marriage, my wife has finally satisfied my needs.
She's moving out.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Daddy, when will mummy be home?" My four year old asked, "I don't like it when there's just us two in the house."
"I don't know," I replied, "Now stop ringing me when I'm in the pub and go and see why your little sister's crying!!!
They'll face stiff competition from Blackpool and Watford though.
-----------------------------------------
Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.
I'd like to propose a similar alternative for Man United fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa - ****!!
------------------------------------------------
I can always tell when my Wifes been eating icecream.
There`s a shovel in the dishwasher.
--------------------------------------------------
After 5 years of marriage, my wife has finally satisfied my needs.
She's moving out.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Daddy, when will mummy be home?" My four year old asked, "I don't like it when there's just us two in the house."
"I don't know," I replied, "Now stop ringing me when I'm in the pub and go and see why your little sister's crying!!!
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T
trebor8
A Fight in a Biscuit Tin
Theres been a fight in a biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky hit a Penquin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut and an accomplice only known to the police as Rich T. Unfortunately they dont have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammy Dodger might get away with it !
Theres been a fight in a biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky hit a Penquin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut and an accomplice only known to the police as Rich T. Unfortunately they dont have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammy Dodger might get away with it !
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There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
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S
Steve Sellers
As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like ****."
"Last night was crazy." I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ****ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any ****ing bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your ****ing beak to the bar, you irritating ******* bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Last night was crazy." I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."
--------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ****ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any ****ing bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your ****ing beak to the bar, you irritating ******* bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
-----------------------------------------------------
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A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and sinks, but the guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way over to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks at him, wide eyed and grateful and says, "You saved my life, I'm so grateful, you're my hero."
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cameron Diaz. Days and weeks go by. Cameron and the guy are living on the island together.
They've set up a hut, there's plenty of fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cameron's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cameron, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help."
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my trousers?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better." she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Mate! You'll never believe who I'm shagging!!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cameron Diaz. Days and weeks go by. Cameron and the guy are living on the island together.
They've set up a hut, there's plenty of fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cameron's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cameron, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help."
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my trousers?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better." she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Mate! You'll never believe who I'm shagging!!"
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B
Billmccallum
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
from the pen of spike milligan
from the pen of spike milligan
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." 
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There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
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On Judgement Day, all the conspiracy theorists are resurrected, and after discussing matters among themselves they send a representative to talk to the Lord. The representative goes to the Lord and asks: “Lord, we’d really like to know: who killed JFK?”
And the Lord replies: “Oh, really. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He was acting alone. There was no conspiracy.”
The representative goes back to the crowd and they ask: “Well, what did the Lord say?”
He looks around carefully, leans forward, and whispers: “This is bigger than we thought … ”
And the Lord replies: “Oh, really. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He was acting alone. There was no conspiracy.”
The representative goes back to the crowd and they ask: “Well, what did the Lord say?”
He looks around carefully, leans forward, and whispers: “This is bigger than we thought … ”
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With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit....That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Merry Christmas One & All!
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit....That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Merry Christmas One & All!
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have
four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...
...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have
four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...
...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
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5 men sitting in a bar: Wenger, Mourinho, Rodgers, Moyes and Martinez.....
The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portugese beer for each of the others.
The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.
The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine.
The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes.
Moyes says;" Hey guys, what about my pint?"
Rodgers looked at him and said; Sorry David, this is the fourth round, and you are NOT in it....
The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portugese beer for each of the others.
The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.
The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine.
The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes.
Moyes says;" Hey guys, what about my pint?"
Rodgers looked at him and said; Sorry David, this is the fourth round, and you are NOT in it....
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Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.
Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.
Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.
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I haven't read the whole thread so apologies for any re-posts:
My friend keeps telling me that if I don't stop typing so loudly he's going to smash my face into the keyngksdg\ g/l\s g dsgs
A sea life centre has borrowed a shark to try and make one of their own sharks pregnant.
Personally, I think I would have looked at other options before going to a loan shark.
The tag in my new t-shirt said 'Wash at 30 degrees'. I tried it but I just fell over.
[May all be shamelessly stolen from another forum]
My friend keeps telling me that if I don't stop typing so loudly he's going to smash my face into the keyngksdg\ g/l\s g dsgs
A sea life centre has borrowed a shark to try and make one of their own sharks pregnant.
Personally, I think I would have looked at other options before going to a loan shark.
The tag in my new t-shirt said 'Wash at 30 degrees'. I tried it but I just fell over.
[May all be shamelessly stolen from another forum]
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S
sirearl
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, " Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, " Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
The assistant asks, " Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, " Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
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S
sirearl
WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)Is proud to announce the opening of itsEVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participantsThe course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
(Women In Charge Of Everything)Is proud to announce the opening of itsEVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participantsThe course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
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0
Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.
It feels great to get my stuff back.
It feels great to get my stuff back.
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S
sirearl
Are you Irish.
blimey my jokes go back to the 50's when people still had common sense.
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