translation of a scam seo email

[Ali-v-8]

When you get spam email from an SEO who you never heard of, hear is a translation of what is really going on.


Dear Website owner,

I bet you have no idea about seo otherwise this would be in your trash already.
I am writing this email to induce doubt over your current SEO's hard work. The intention of the email is to make you question your optimisers skill as an SEO, and if possible snake my way into your successful campaign.
Why? Because then I can take credit for your success and show this to another potential clients and pretend I did the work.

I can charge you an amazing introductory price of 50p, Yes you are reading this correct only 50P (price subject to change when I get your credit card). I have no intentions of doing any work for the money that I charge and for that reason I can give you a discount of 20% if you sign now.

I have checked your rankings and you are page one position one for "loans" this is very poor SEO you should be page one for "Loans at 56 Eccle street manchester".

The SEO company you are using is very good but i will instil doubt and hopefully you will be blinded by the shock low pricing i have offered you. Its amazing how many idiots we make jumpship.

Here is a list of testimonials of client who we found on page one of google and pretend are ours. we hope you wont ring them and find out we are chatting pooh.

We have infiltrated Google with spies dressed as chickens and because of this we can get you any position in google. I myself will pretend i am best mates with the guy that wrote the algorithm for google, but you wont question that google reside in the US of A and i am from india (or peckham)

To conclude swap you current successful SEO company who have done all the hard work, for us and we will guarantee to run your campaign into the ground (but will have suckered 5 new ones so we wont care) and have made a good buck from you.

Regards

David Beckham,
[email protected]a



This is only a rough translation as i am not fluent in B******T

 

[maxh]

El Oh El!

"We've noticed you only have 5,000 backlinks. We will use Xrumer to submit your link (same anchor text and link) to 100,000 blogs that we ruthlessly spam that have absolutely nothing to do with your website and convince you that it was a good idea."

 

[QVA - Emma]

oooh can you also add in there "I have sent this email to two random addresses (sales@ and info@ that I don't even know you have and presume you will have a catchall set up to process this email? Plus not even realise I didn't send it to a valid email address, using my automated software that doesn't even pick up your company name in full, just half of it...."

or something to that effect

Emma

 

[Ali-v-8]

Dear Victim,

I have looked at the links to your website and how your current SEO has used good high ranking links from relevant websites. As you know (i hope you dont) Google like irrelevant links from websites that have only been around for two weeks. We of course need to put 50 links from irrelevant websites on your site thus creating a link kibbutz (hopefully you wont realize kibbutz means farm) which google loves like England currently loves Jermain Defoe.

These links will have absolutely no positive effect on your website, but i hope the little knowledge you have about links will make you think its a bargain.

We offer 1 billion links for only £500.
Yes that correct 1 billion links.

Please give me your bank details including your password, passport details, and credit card details

There is also an added administration cost which we will debit from your account and tell you afterwards

your sincerely
George Agdgdgwngo

 

[maxh]

"Oh, it looks like you've been neglecting meta-tags!

This is the single most important thing in SEO, but is very hard to set up.

We will put the same 2 meta tags on all 2,000 pages of your site for only £1 per tag! BARGIN!"

 

[whitearrow]

lol, Whilst I find this funny, it does make me sad to think that pretty much all SEO sales pitches are treated like this regardless of if it's some indian spammer or a legitimate UK business like my own. :/

 

[mattsaw]

There's a big difference between a sales pitch and an unsolicited email.

 

[eventdomain]

Dear Friend,

Did you know that links are important? Well, they are bcos Google like em, so we are expert at writing basci html coding to your site, to get you very high in the searc engines.

For this we need unlimited acess to your webbsite, (where we will screw up your web designers hard work) to do work and charge just $5000! ( a bargain if you ever saw one!)

WE use our techikal pertise and software to genrate links on offa sites (which are classifieds, rubbish directories and the old goodie FFA's!) where your traffic will explode beyond the dreams.

We are based in UK, so it easy for contact ok. (But on checking our website you find we have head office in India - and we are all 12 years of age - but it make good business my daddy tell me)

H Ka-crap
Guru SEO

 

[whitearrow]

There's a big difference between a sales pitch and an unsolicited email.

I know that, it's just with all this spam and scams out there people have their back up with legitimate SEO's from the start, I don't blame them I just think it's a shame.

 

[Ali-v-8]

IMO: If your really serious about your business, talk to an SEO. Dont just ask about keywords.
Website on page one wont achieve nothing if you don't analyse the competition or consumer behaviour.

 

[James1980]

Subject: This is the email that Matt Cutt DOESN'T want you to read.
X-Mail-Agent: snakeoil_mailblaster.pl

Dear $NAME

I have sent this email to a million other people, but by using some words automatically scraped from your website, I can give the impression that I have spent the afternoon carefully visiting every page and making detailed handwritten notes. As experts in websites in the business solutionsand click hereand alt text goes heremarket we can offer you a service customized to YOUR needs.

Did I mention that your index.html file has a filesize of 40219 bytes? No way I could have known that without personally visiting it myself, right?

We advertise on Google Adwords, so you could technically say that we have a business relationship with Google. I will use this tenuous link to imply that we have access to a top secret cpanel that allows us to tweak your website's ranking.

Call now to speak to a poorly trained call centre operator who will tell you it's not really "PPC" as you'll be paying a flat fee, before implying that we can get you to the first page on Google for any phrase, instantly; then getting flustered and transfering you to a grouchy supervisor when you reveal that you know what you're talking about.

Your website address ends in ".co.uk", so I'll use a plausibly British sounding name to sign off.

Yours sincerely,

Jonathan Forbes-Monteque

 

[SEO Lady]

This is by far the best thread I have read since I've been on here - even beating the ICO one...

Thank you guys you have really cheered me up!

Ali you are a genius, the first post was pure, pure genius. I wish there was a 'Thank You Big Time' button on here!