Sales letter - feedback

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

Hi,

I would like feedback on a sales letter I've written.
Can it be posted in this section of the forum or not?

 

[ethical PR]

Yes you can. Be prepared for people to give honest feedback though

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

As long as they are constructive

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

Here it is:


Date

School Address

"Organising a school trip – a stress free experience" ​

Dear Mrs ....

I’d like to introduce you to The school Travel Company, your locally-based educational tour operator.

As a family run School Tour Operator with over 25 years’ experience running residential trips, The School Travel Company is a specialist tour operator for school and youth group travel within the UK, Europe and beyond to places such as USA, China and India.

We are passionate about providing young people with learning experiences outside the classroom, and our driving force is to provide teachers with the confidence to do just that.
We can offer you:
· A truly personalised and professional support from start to finish.
· A Safety Management System approved by the School Travel Forum and the Council for Learning Outside the Classroom.
· Complete financial security through ABTA and ATOL.
· And last but not least - Value For Money – that means no hidden supplements!

There’s more information on our website www.school.travel/tailored, where you can find samples of our destinations and itineraries.

I will try to call you next week to see if there’s anything we can do to help with the trip(s) that you may be planning. Additionally, if you feel it would be beneficial, I’d be happy to come to the school and meet with you or your colleagues to talk about the service we provide.

In the meantime, please feel free to call me on 01384 398 888, or email me at: [email protected] if you have any queries.

Yours sincerely,



Fabien Forget
The School Travel Company Tailored

P.S. Confirm your 2017 trip by 31st of May 2016 and receive an early booking discount up to £300!

 

[Mark T Jones]

As a broad reply, I'd say that it is a little bit waffly and more about you than them.

To focus a bit more - what is the precise purpose of the letter (it would appear to be to encourage them to take your call. If that is your call to action, make it a definite call, not a 'probably' and gear your message towards that call.

 

[ethical PR]

Initial thoughts - when you talk about what you can offer (and this should be the focus) I can't see anything in it that makes you stand out from other operators. What can you offer that others don't?

 

[beasty]

Too long, it is NOT a sales letter, you should create an interest and nothing more, no one is booking on the back of the letter.

You should not link to a site half way through it as they will stop reading, stick that at the foot

The bit at the foot does not create urgency as 2 months is a long time

Early booking incentives in April is sufficient, given it is APRIL NOW, in May simply change it to MAY!

Flakey finish, rather than say oh if you would like to get in touch, let them know you intend to follow up on X date but if they have an alternative that is more suitable, please contact or offer a limited quantity of places available to reinforce a bit of urgency.

The initial contact is just that you are trying to get them to think, shit that sounds good i should get more info now.

You are not going to write a letter that on its own creates bookings, you only need to create an interest and then follow that up.


· A Safety Management System approved by the School Travel Forum and the Council for Learning Outside the Classroom.
· Complete financial security through ABTA and ATOL.
· And last but not least - Value For Money – that means no hidden supplements!

The stuff in bold, it strikes me that each of these might just be logos on the foot of your letter

 

[Nochexman]

"I’d like to introduce you to The school Travel Company, your locally-based educational tour operator.

As a family run School Tour Operator with over 25 years’ experience running residential"

Are you local to the person receiving the letter? And, if you are, why do you need to introduce yourselves given you have over 25-years experience?

Maybe you could reference some previous relevant customers?

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

Thanks to all for your feedback.

The purpose of this letter is to encourage them to take my call. The outcome I hope to get from the call is either:
- Organising a short meeting at the school to discuss the sort of trips they might be planning in the short or long term.
- Receiving the details of a trip that they might have in mind so that I can send them a quote.


Rather than putting it in this letter, I was hoping to explain during the meeting why we are different. We are local which means that we can:
- go to the school and meet teachers face to face to answer their question.
- Attend meetings with parents and present them the trip and answer their questions (less assholes for teachers).



We (and school tour operators) are an online company so local schools wouldn't know us.

 

[Nochexman]

Rather than putting it in this letter, I was hoping to explain during the meeting why we are different. We are local which means that we can:
- go to the school and meet teachers face to face to answer their question.
- Attend meetings with parents and present them the trip and answer their questions (less assholes for teachers).

No disrespect, but my school would be unlikely to take a meeting request if your letter had failed to impress.

You say in your letter that you are passionate about something, but you don't demonstrate it.

Have another go!

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

No disrespect, but my school would be unlikely to take a meeting request if your letter had failed to impress.

You say in your letter that you are passionate about something, but you don't demonstrate it.

Have another go!

Thanks Peter, I will definitely have another go.
I am a Tour Organiser with little experience of sales but we have been asked to think outside the box to generate inquiries.

 

[Nochexman]

I am a Tour Organiser with little experience of sales but we have been asked to think outside the box to generate inquiries.

Well done, you are doing that!

Me, I'd consider a letter with lots of pictures of very happy smiling children and teachers in glamorous places that teachers would like and say "I will call you over the course of the next two days to discuss how we can help you learn more about our product" or words to that effect.

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

Well done, you are doing that!

Me, I'd consider a letter with lots of pictures of very happy smiling children and teachers in glamorous places that teachers would like and say "I will call you over the course of the next two days to discuss how we can help you learn more about our product" or words to that effect.

I quite like that! A picture is worth a thousand words but I didn't think it could be done in such letter.

 

[Gregory Diehl]

Begin the letter by explaining how and why you are contacting them. Any email I got from a stranger which started that way without tell me who they are and why they are contacting me would immediately seem like spam to me.

 

[ethical PR]

Thanks Peter, I will definitely have another go.
I am a Tour Organiser with little experience of sales but we have been asked to think outside the box to generate inquiries.

Have you done any market research on how schools choose their tour operator? This should be your company's starting point.

If you want to think outside the box, I think you would be much better looking at an inspirational video, featuring happy school children and teachers talking about their experiences, together with holiday activity highlights.

 

[MBE1]

I would suggest including a couple of quality testimonials from the previous years bookings, use your existing clients to sell for you.

 

[Jeff FV]

If you really want to think outside the box ...

What's in it for the teacher? We get hundreds of these sorts of things each term. Why not do something "nice" for me? Take me out for lunch? Buy me a coffee? Do my marking - now that would get my attention and get you my business!

Pharmaceutical reps rock up at Doctors surgeries with cakes, sandwiches and other goodies. Deliver a box of donuts to the staff room and I might pick up your literature to peruse it whilst I munch - I (and others) will certainly ask were did these (the treats) come from.

Also, be a bit more focuses as to what the tour is, and who is going to organise it at the school. If it's a big school, that won't be the Head. If you offer sports tours, take the PE dept out to a local fixture (football, cricket, whatever) & host them for the evening.

just a few thoughts of the top of my head that may be of use.

 

[Sarah_BlueFox]

MBE1 has already stated an excellent technique - using testimonials from existing customers similar to those you're targeting to add credibility.

You've used a headline which is good practice, though it needs to be stronger and give the reader the main benefit - basically why they need to keep reading e.g. ' The stress-free way to organise your next school trip’

A punchier introduction would also help. A good start to a letter like this is to state a special offer upfront. Alternatively provide a startling fact or problem to get the attention e.g. ‘it takes 30 hours on average to organise a school trip’

Also, if written well, a sales letter can be long (3 or 4 pages) - these can actually produce more sales / leads if done well. Short letters don't always give the opportunity to provide the reader with enough information.

Hope this helps, best of luck!

 

[Jeff FV]

MBE1 h

A punchier introduction would also help. A good start to a letter like this is to state a special offer upfront. Alternatively provide a startling fact or problem to get the attention e.g. ‘it takes 30 hours on average to organise a school trip’

Also, if written well, a sales letter can be long (3 or 4 pages) - these can actually produce more sales / leads if done well. Short letters don't always give the opportunity to provide the reader with enough information.

Hope this helps, best of luck!

So if it takes 30 hours on average to organise a school trip, I'm just going to do what we did last year, and call up the company we've always used to organise it.

And do you really think that a teacher is going to waste their time reading an unsolicited 3 or 4 page sales letter? We've got enough "official" things to waste our time without you adding to that list.

 

[Sarah_BlueFox]

sorry if I offened you with my fantasy fact of 30 hours per trip - that was just a made up 'fact' off the top of my head to illustrate how to start a letter, it wasn't meant to be based on reality, that's for the OP to go off and find out!

No one really has the time to sit and read a 3 or 4 page letter, teacher or not. The point is, if the letter is well-written and piques the interest of the reader then yes, it's proven that a longer letter does better at getting a response than a shorter one. That's not my fantasty, that's something that tests have determined.

Amazed you find the time to sit and reply to forum posts though if you're so busy...

 

[Nord20]

If you really want to think outside the box ...

Pharmaceutical reps rock up at Doctors surgeries with cakes, sandwiches and other goodies. Deliver a box of donuts to the staff room and I might pick up your literature to peruse it whilst I munch - I (and others) will certainly ask were did these (the treats) come from.

I think this is a great idea - drop off a distinctive item from one of the countries you organise trips to - some Chinese tea, or a little Indian Elephant model, along with your brochure - this is a big ticket item, so it's not something that you will easily persuade people to switch supplier on. Show you do something different and exciting for the students and that you have it all nailed down. If they are interested, it can't hurt to give them details, and I would definitely include photos from previous trips of kids have a great time.[/QUOTE]

 

[MBE1]

The main problem Ican see with the suggested goodies is these days most companies and authorities have very strict rules preventing staff from accepting them, in case it could be viewed as a potential bribe.

I would suggest work on your letter and post version 2 for the comments, work hard on the letter to gain maximum advantage later. Best of luck.

 

[Jeff FV]

No, no, no.

Nobody will read a letter.

Nobody is going to report a school, or company, to any authorities because they sent a bag of donuts to the staff-room.

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

We go and visit our regular customers from time to time and we bring them a tin of biscuits or chocolate box. I guess we could do the same in this situation.

But a tin of biscuits won't secure an appointment so I need to work on that letter again.

 

[MBE1]

Nobody is going to report a school, or company, to any authorities because they sent a bag of donuts to the staff-room.

Lost count of the number of clients I have met away from their workplaces so their co-workers don't stitch them up to the management, both public and private entities.

That said, I am way more generous than a box of donuts.

 

[Nochexman]

...And do you really think that a teacher is going to waste their time reading an unsolicited 3 or 4 page sales letter? We've got enough "official" things to waste our time without you adding to that list...

Actually, Sarah may be right about long letters. This is what Drayton Bird, one of the greats of direct marketing, has to say:

"2. Letters are more important than brochures; and the biggest fallacy is that they must be short. Long letters always out pull short ones making the same proposition. Usually by at least 50%."

The article, which is itself not short, is here http://www.subscriptionsstrategy.co.uk/articles/Drayton-Bird-selling-subscriptions. One of Drayton's favourite examples of direct marketing success is Readers' Digest, which always used to write long letters (I don't know if they still do).

If you think short copy works best, then why not test long versus short and see which gets the better response.

 

[christian_d]

I thinks it's a good letter in principle. Take the feedback to improve it by all means but if you followed that up with a half decent telemarketer it should get some good results. The only thing I'd do is add a USP though. If you go in without a USP you're just another phone call.

 

[JoaoPereira]

I don't have many experience selling, unfortunately, however I understand that is an essential skill I lack so I started to pay more attention to that and read some books to get started. Anyhow, I found the books "The Ultimate Sales Letter: Attract New Customers. Boost Your Sales." by Dan S Kennedy and "The Psychology of Selling: Increase Your Sales Faster and Easier Than You Ever Thought Possible: How to Sell More, Easier, and Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible" by Brian Tracy with a lot of good insights about sales letters and selling in general, but any experienced salespeople here may have other good references for anyone wanting to start selling.

 

[Frenchsalesadministrator]

I don't have many experience selling, unfortunately, however I understand that is an essential skill I lack so I started to pay more attention to that and read some books to get started. Anyhow, I found the books "The Ultimate Sales Letter: Attract New Customers. Boost Your Sales." by Dan S Kennedy and "The Psychology of Selling: Increase Your Sales Faster and Easier Than You Ever Thought Possible: How to Sell More, Easier, and Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible" by Brian Tracy with a lot of good insights about sales letters and selling in general, but any experienced salespeople here may have other good references for anyone wanting to start selling.

Thanks!
That's sounds like a good starting point for a novice seller.