Sales Introduction Email

[Arsh4d]

I am no expert in sales, but have the job of introducing our business over email.

I have written a few lines and would really appreciate some feedback from you guys/girls before I send it out to potential clients.

This email will act as a way of introducing our business / as well as a call of action.

Security Solutions: Learn Why your company will benefit.

"Are you looking for a specialist, inexpensive and effective security provider to protect your business?” Try (Our Business Name)

With our security solutions you will benefit from:

• Lower Insurance premiums
• Competitive pricing keeping your budget on track
• Safer environment for your staff to work in
• Locally sourced staff who know the area
• SIA licensed security officers
• Short notice cover for emergencies
• Ultimately, Peace of Mind

If any of these benefits attract you then visit our website (our website address) and read the case studies. You will see how our clients are benefitting from our security services.

Contact us for a pricing or a general chat to see how we can make your business secure.

Crime does not pay, if you act TODAY.

 

[MikeDonaghy]

I would consider putting a testimonial in the email if you have any.

Also, it's vital to get punctuation right otherwise you will be dismissed out of hand. You have incorrect capital letters throughout the copy. Only proper nouns have capitals.

Other wise it's not bad- short and with a call to action at the end.

Good luck.

Regards,
Mike

 

[BusyVids]

Problem is the subject line/title looks spammy. I would just delete an email with a subject line like this without even opening it. The subject line is your one opportunity to get the recipient to take positive action, which is to open the email. The next 2 lines of text has to be compelling enough for the reader to want to carry on reading. And all the time he is reading he is looking for... "what's in it for me?"

 

[Arsh4d]

I would consider putting a testimonial in the email if you have any.

Also, it's vital to get punctuation right otherwise you will be dismissed out of hand. You have incorrect capital letters throughout the copy. Only proper nouns have capitals.

Other wise it's not bad- short and with a call to action at the end.

Good luck.

Regards,
Mike

Thanks for the response Mike, I will take your advice on board.

 

[Arsh4d]

Problem is the subject line/title looks spammy. I would just delete an email with a subject line like this without even opening it. The subject line is your one opportunity to get the recipient to take positive action, which is to open the email. The next 2 lines of text has to be compelling enough for the reader to want to carry on reading. And all the time he is reading he is looking for... "what's in it for me?"

Thank you for reading the copy. Agreed with the headline comment, it does come across as spammy.

Back to the drawing board again.

Appreciate the response.

 

[Ben Palmer-Wilson]

I am no expert in sales, but have the job of introducing our business over email.

I have written a few lines and would really appreciate some feedback from you guys/girls before I send it out to potential clients.

This email will act as a way of introducing our business / as well as a call of action.

Security Solutions: Learn Why your company will benefit.

"Are you looking for a specialist, inexpensive and effective security provider to protect your business?” Try (Our Business Name)

With our security solutions you will benefit from:

• Lower Insurance premiums
• Competitive pricing keeping your budget on track
• Safer environment for your staff to work in
• Locally sourced staff who know the area
• SIA licensed security officers
• Short notice cover for emergencies
• Ultimately, Peace of Mind

If any of these benefits attract you then visit our website (our website address) and read the case studies. You will see how our clients are benefitting from our security services.

Contact us for a pricing or a general chat to see how we can make your business secure.

Crime does not pay, if you act TODAY.

Your 'headline' sucks, to put it bluntly. Put yourself in their shoes. Would:


"Security Solutions: Learn Why your company will benefit.
"

interest or excite you? Would it make you DESPERATE to read that email?


I think not.

Try something like: "Security Solutions - Find out how you could be leaving your business WIDE OPEN to risk, and what you can do about it!"


Maybe not so hypey, but you can see what I'm getting at.



Also, your bullets. Some of them are benefits, but some of them are simply features. Explain explicitly, WHY your prospects can benefit from some of the things you spoke about.

I.E "SIA licensed security officers". What does that mean? Why is having SIA licensed officers better?

Explain it all. Give them no chance to think "what the hell's this guy on about?"



Ben.

 

[patientlady]

"Are you looking for a specialist, inexpensive and effective security provider to protect your business?” Try (Our Business Name)

This question is pointless. The answer is most likely NO! Next action DELETE
Do you have permission from each contact otherwise they may press SPAM rather than delete. Make your email, important, interesting and a reason for them to reply
Good luck with your campaign

 

[Arsh4d]

Your 'headline' sucks, to put it bluntly. Put yourself in their shoes. Would:


"Security Solutions: Learn Why your company will benefit.
"

interest or excite you? Would it make you DESPERATE to read that email?


I think not.

Try something like: "Security Solutions - Find out how you could be leaving your business WIDE OPEN to risk, and what you can do about it!"


Maybe not so hypey, but you can see what I'm getting at.



Also, your bullets. Some of them are benefits, but some of them are simply features. Explain explicitly, WHY your prospects can benefit from some of the things you spoke about.

I.E "SIA licensed security officers". What does that mean? Why is having SIA licensed officers better?

Explain it all. Give them no chance to think "what the hell's this guy on about?"



Ben.

Thank you very much for the constructive feedback, I will post a revised version, taking on board your points.

 

[Arsh4d]

This question is pointless. The answer is most likely NO! Next action DELETE
Do you have permission from each contact otherwise they may press SPAM rather than delete. Make your email, important, interesting and a reason for them to reply
Good luck with your campaign

I appreciate your response, I have got permission from the people I intend to send it to. I will also take on board feedback and make it more interesting.

Thanks