My family are all well into technology.
My Son has an iPad.
My daughter has an iPhone.
I have an iMac.
So as not to leave my wife out I bought her an iRon.
She slapped me for some reason, ungrateful b*tch....
My Son has an iPad.
My daughter has an iPhone.
I have an iMac.
So as not to leave my wife out I bought her an iRon.
She slapped me for some reason, ungrateful b*tch....
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0
(most of the dialogue should be complimented with an Irish accent)
Murphy pops along to his local car boot sale one Sunday morning and walks around the stalls. He sees a man displaying a shiny stainless steel thermos flask on his pasting table, 'Oh hello there' (says Murphy) 'and what is that you have on your table there?' (pointing to the flask)
The vendor replies, 'its a thermos flask!' 'Well now (says Murphy) and what does a thermos flask do?'
The vendor replies, 'it keeps things hot if you want to kep them hot and cold if you want to keep them cold!'
'Well now does it bejesus' (replies Murphy), 'and how much will you be wanting for that?' '50p' comes the reply.
So Murphy hands over the 50p and off he toddles.
The following day he is crossing the builders yard with his lunch box and thermos tucked nicely under his arm...... His best mate Paddy is coming over to see him and says, 'The top o'the morning to you my friend Murphy and what do you have under your arm there?'
Murphy pushes out his chest and replies, 'a thermos flask!' 'Well bejesus now!' says Paddy 'and what does a thermos flask do?'
'Well it keeps things hot if you want to keep them hot and cold if you want to keep them cold!' 'Holy Mary mother of God!' says Paddy 'and what do you have in there right now?'
Murphy puffs out his chest even more and says 'two cups of coffee and three chocolate icecreams!!!!'
All credit goes to Mr R Corbett for that one
Murphy pops along to his local car boot sale one Sunday morning and walks around the stalls. He sees a man displaying a shiny stainless steel thermos flask on his pasting table, 'Oh hello there' (says Murphy) 'and what is that you have on your table there?' (pointing to the flask)
The vendor replies, 'its a thermos flask!' 'Well now (says Murphy) and what does a thermos flask do?'
The vendor replies, 'it keeps things hot if you want to kep them hot and cold if you want to keep them cold!'
'Well now does it bejesus' (replies Murphy), 'and how much will you be wanting for that?' '50p' comes the reply.
So Murphy hands over the 50p and off he toddles.
The following day he is crossing the builders yard with his lunch box and thermos tucked nicely under his arm...... His best mate Paddy is coming over to see him and says, 'The top o'the morning to you my friend Murphy and what do you have under your arm there?'
Murphy pushes out his chest and replies, 'a thermos flask!' 'Well bejesus now!' says Paddy 'and what does a thermos flask do?'
'Well it keeps things hot if you want to keep them hot and cold if you want to keep them cold!' 'Holy Mary mother of God!' says Paddy 'and what do you have in there right now?'
Murphy puffs out his chest even more and says 'two cups of coffee and three chocolate icecreams!!!!'
All credit goes to Mr R Corbett for that one
Last edited:
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B
Beachcomber
- Original Poster
- #170
Three explorers in the Amazon rainforest are caught by a group of Amazonian women warriors.
The women tell them their manhoods will be removed according to their professions.
First chap tells them he's a lumberjack, so they chopped his off.
Second man tells them he's a butcher, so they sliced his off.
Third chap stands there laughing his socks off.
The women ask him why he's laughing. The man says............... "You'll never believe this, but I work for Dyson."
The women tell them their manhoods will be removed according to their professions.
First chap tells them he's a lumberjack, so they chopped his off.
Second man tells them he's a butcher, so they sliced his off.
Third chap stands there laughing his socks off.
The women ask him why he's laughing. The man says............... "You'll never believe this, but I work for Dyson."
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D
dagr
- Original Poster
- #172
Not strictly a joke, but has anyone seen the "Benton ... Jesus Christ .... Benton!" clips on Youtube? There are more by the hour.
First watch the original here,
then watch the parodies, like this Jurassic Park version.
First watch the original here,
then watch the parodies, like this Jurassic Park version.
Last edited by a moderator:
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Absolutely brilliant - I haven't stopped laughing since I saw the original on Monday!
Here's a parody I made (by no means the best, but I'm quite proud of it): Benton Goes Shopping
... and here's another brilliant - if a bit rude! - parody: Benton oversteps the mark
Jeff
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0
T
trebor8
- Original Poster
- #186
Essex Hurricane Appeal
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
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0
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Upvote
0
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Upvote
0
B
Beachcomber
- Original Poster
- #191
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not
listening to what I'm saying."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not
listening to what I'm saying."
Upvote
0
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