Going solo?

[Robert Wheeler]

I have been working on my video production business since 2005. Originally our plan was to start off by making corporate video our bread and butter, and to keep back some of the profits to invest in future ambitions to create dramatic works for sale to TV companies. Of course, business plans adapt to the circumstances. After some work by myself, the opportunity came about to shoot a concert film. Thus I decided to try and cut the middle bit of our plan out and get a bit ahead. However, as the finances were not quite in place yet, I ended up investing pretty much all the reddies I had to get it made.

Now I find myself in a bit of an odd position. The film came out several months ago on DVD, (issued and distributed by ourselves) and got very positive reviews in the press. I am now thinking that all our marketing collateral needs to be overhauled to try and represent what we do, but I myself find it hard to define what we do in conventional corporate terms. Our website, which was always going to be a temporary stopgap, has had bits tacked on it, and now sends a bit of a confused message to potential clients (www.adjustableproductions.com)

In the last few years I have done a few things in the glare of the media and rather frustratingly I have never really come out with much money out of any of it. I am beginning to wonder if I should leave my business to tick over for a while and get myself a part-time job to earn myself a wage that I can live on. I think I have a lot of very marketable skills. For example for my DVD, I wrote all the PR and marketing material, I managed design of the product packaging, I produced the actual shoot and edit, I established contact with retailers and set up distribution deals for foriegn territories, set up the licensing deals, and was basically the driving force behind the whole thing. I even acted as interviewer for the star of the concert for a feature on the DVD.

My main problem is that I am scared of approaching another business for work because I have suffered from depression in the past, and I fear that I may occasionally be unreliable, or that working for other people might be a trigger. When I was starting to put together the ideas for this business I was not in good shape at all, but I felt a lot happier knowing that if I had a bad day, I could go and hide in bed, or even get up and work through the night. I was very determined not get intoo to much of a hole, but really most of the wheels fell of for me, and it took some time to get it together. But I am very proud of the resolve I have shown.

Believe it or not, a few months after the worst of my depression, I was in the National and International media for my website Healrooney.com, which was a bit of fun leading up to the 2006 World Cup, trying to heal Wayne Rooney's injured foot with 'positive thinking'. We tried out some PR experiments with that, and most of them just seemed to work. It ended up with me doing about 40 radio interviews, including Radio 5 Live.

I seem to find getting the kind of press that many marketing firms crave quite easily. But can I make a buck on it? Now I am 28, nearly 29, and I am pondering over what I should be doing. I think I would like the chance to work on something new, something that I could produce and oversee maybe, rather than be a creative focus. Maybe I am just taking stock of the skills I have acquired by my own endeavours and realising that I have a better chance of making a living if I used them outside of my own business. Maybe this is just late night meandering ramblings...

 

[deniser]

What about running film making courses to make some quick cash?

My daughter has just been on one and it cost £150 for 3 days. It involved a script writer, editor, cameraman and make up artist and was absolutely brilliant. She can't wait to go on the next one.

I'm sure it's something adults would enjoy too.

You could fit them in between your bigger projects.

 

[Robert Wheeler]

Hi Deniser,

It is a good suggestion, but unfortunately we are not geared in terms of having a commercial premises, or the insurance, or really the teaching skills to do such a thing.

I was not happy with my original post when I woke up, so I requested it be deleted (this was prior to your reply). So this whole thread maybe disappear soon...

But thank you for your reply

Rob

 

[deniser]

It is a good suggestion, but unfortunately we are not geared in terms of having a commercial premises, or the insurance, or really the teaching skills to do such a thing.

The reason I suggested it is that the course my daughter went on was run from a hired school hall with no equipment at all except the camera, a laptop, some editing software and a kettle. All the people involved were currently not working elsewhere so were doing this for some extra cash.

Nothing needed except enthusiasm and some film making knowledge! Teaching skills not necessary. Insurance is voluntary. For kids you need CR checks though.

The kids wrote their own scripts, acted their films, got bits and pieces to make costumes and props from home etc.

 

[Robert Wheeler]

Right, this may be a bit naughty of me, but I am going to reply to part of a post which has since been removed, because I think it highlighted what I regard as misconception about being human and running a business that may be quite commonly held. With in this in mind I hope the moderators will afford me to quote one line from the post:"[FONT=verdana,geneva,lucida,'lucida grande',arial,helvetica,sans-serif]...we[/font] all get depressed and it's not a sickness, it's a state of being..."

Now I agree with part of this statement. Depression is a state of being when you are in it. But I disagree that we all get depressed. Sometimes most people feel a bit miserable or down, but actual depression in a clinical form is a very different thing. Clinical depression can be directly equated with getting a cold, or eczema or arthritis or something like that. It is a clinical condition with with differing levels of debilitating effects in different people.

Now for me, what happened was that it hovered in the background, occasionally overtaking me, until it reached a tipping point where I was unable to actually function in my job. It was not like I went to the doctor and he said "your depressed, take three weeks off and one of these pills three times a day".

In late 2004 I went to the doctor and I said I been feeling increasingly run down and a bit miserable, that I was getting pains in my arms and legs, and that I was finding it hard to lift my arms above my head. I explained that I was occasionally feeling very nervous at work and was sometimes breaking down in tears, but I felt it was due to my heavy workload and long hours. It was not a first, but spells of nervousness and agitation had affected me quite a bit when I was under pressure at university, as I had found working to support myself financially and to complete my course a real struggle, and it was all on my records. I discussed it all with my doctor and we agreed that I should cut down my hours and then we would keep and eye on it. I went and had a chat about it with my employers, and found during that meeting I became completely overcome and unable to communicate. According to a friend of mine in the business who was summoned to try and talk me down, they had been sending in managers to come and talk to me, and as every one came in I said "ohh they've sent you now have they, well this is what I think of you..." and then I would issue a stinging diatribe listing their limitations and things they had messed up over the last few years, and how it fitted into the overall picture of the ongoing problems of the business. Despite the fact that my friend said it was actually quite terrible to see me in the state I was, I take a lot out of how amazing he said my performance was. See, you have to see the positives

So anyway, in the end I reasoned that I had to start changing things to try and make things better. A lot of my colleages in my business had either been on prolonged periods of sick leave for depression, or sacked for gross misconduct while suffering from depression. I reasoned that the enviroment at work was not conducive to good mental health. So I left my job and found an office job. I worked in a parking ticket shop. Some might think it would not have been the most jolly of jobs, but I was the guy who used to do the cancelling of tickets I regarded myself as a bit of a Robin Hood in this department. I respect those who are in their senior years, so when I got appeal letters from the elderly and I could not get them off on a technicality, I would stash them in a draw and wait until Saturday when no managers were about, then quickly cancel the lot of them.

This job paid better than my previous job and was not a management role, and was roughly nine to five, so the pressure should have been a lot lower. However, after few weeks, my symptoms got a lot worse, and one Saturday, I sat down and I just felt awful and bleak. When I tried to do simple things like open up the database, it seemed like a huge emotional effort. Speaking or walking across the room seemed like something to prepare for. The usual office banter suddenly became incredibly difficult, and even affectionate polite compliments about my appearance really weighed emtionally heavy on me. I told the most senior member of staff I felt unwell and went home, stayiong in bed for the rest of the weekend.

I am always open with my employers. In fact, when I had been interviewed for my new job I said to them in no uncertain terms that my former job had been making me very miserable and upset and I felt I needed to get my health and general well being back. I felt very embarassed that I was only a few weeks into my new job and having to text my boss on the Monday morning that actually, I think I went home on Saturday due to a symptom of depression, rather than any other misery inducing malady. So they asked me to come in late and they would have a chat with me. I was still feeling pretty aweful, and in our meeting I broke down and really struggled to get through. To their credit, they were amazingly supportive. I told them that I felt it was unfair on them that they had employed someone who may not be able to fufill their duties and stated on the tin and I offered to walk away so they could recruit to replace me. Despite the fact that I was an agency recruit, and that they had an agency bill of several thousand pounds to pay if stayed a few more days, and that I was only on a temporary contract that could be terminated at very short notice, they actually talked me out of this. Instead they recommended I went to the doctor (i had already made the appointment).

For the next few months on and off I was having these awful spells. Looking back on it, I rather wish I had been open with my colleagues in my office because it must have been obvious I was suffering. However, I am quite proud of the fact that even though I was feeling terrible a lot of the time, and in the end I was often in tears most days when I was walking in to work, and often choking them back when in phone calls or interacting with my colleagues, until my last week I only took a couple of days sick. That was actually the best attendance record for the whole office.

It might be worth explaining a bit more here what I was suffering around this time. I used to suffer from migraines (very occasionally I still get them, although I am quite good at avoiding them now). Prior to and during a migraine I would see auras and lose parts of my vision. I felt like some of the worst times were like I was having a migraine, but instead of them happening in the part of my brain that affects the vision and causes physical pain, it was in the part that caused emotional pain and misery. Sometimes I had what I can only really describe as 0rgasms of sadness (changed that word just in case there is a word filter).

I took a week holiday about 8 months into my employment, and my aforementioned friend asked me to do the sound on a film he was making in France. We had discussed forming a production company on and off over several years. I had read with the actors in the auditions and met one of the production girls before, but I was nervous about having to room with three other blokes and not having and time to myself. The week went quite well, and I held together alright, but when I came back I just absolutely nosedived. I turned up at the first day of work and was ok, but the next day, I walked about halfway in and then just found myself standing in the street, not moving. I was seriously thinking "right ok, shall I lift up this right leg and put it in front of the other... nahhhhhhhh... what shall I do then? Well the only option is to go home ..." So I went home and stayed in bed. I texted in making up an excuse that I had become unwell on the way in. I used the same excuse the next day, I was not even trying. By the third day I was not in very good shape and visitors threatened to have me forcibley taken to hospital. I managed to get up and proof I still had locomotion, but when they went out the door I slumped and was exhausted. I decided that I could not face any more work at the parking shop, so late at night I prepared my resignation and staggered off to push it through the lette box. When I got back I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I was really ill. My kidney's hurt, my arms ached, my head felt bunged up and numb. It was not very good. I went to the kitchen, very slowly, and tried to eat a tiny nibble of bread. I had got so ill over the last few days, I could not even work up the saliva. My tongue was all swollen. I had not realised I had got into such bad condition. So I poured a glass of water and put a few spoons of sugar in it. I sipped that and used it to moisten my mouth so I could nibble at the bread. I am so glad that the hospital did not get me. I might have got instutionalised. If that had happened, I might still be there!

Contined...

 

[Robert Wheeler]

Over the next few hours I slowly ate and got my body ticking over again, but for the next few weeks I lived a pretty isolated and tricky life. I used to only go out early on a Sunday to get some shopping, mainly because I wanted to avoid bumping into people I knew, like the many traffic wardens I used to work with. Very slowly I got myself together, started to weigh things up, play with my music for my own satisfaction, and think about what I would do next. I decided that I never wanted to be employed by anybody else ever again, and that if I was going to pull that off, I would probably need to have my own business. I also decided that I wanted to do something that took advantage of my skills, and video seemed to be something that would tick that box. I had already got some preliminary business plans I had worked on over the last year, and had been slowly building up my knowledge. My aforementioned friend and I went for a few meetings with the business links guys, took a long time deciding who we wanted for accoutancy, developed our services, skills and workflows to provide a product, and in 2006 we incorporated and got the ball rolling.

The healrooney.com success was a real turning point and confidence booster. From that point I felt like I was increasingly comfortable with the way my career was going, and that I was doing the right thing for me. I have come to view the worst of my depression like a tax audit that was slowly creeping up on me. In the end I had to change some things radically to get back on track, but I have done that now, and I am in so much better shape. I was never quite sure I could preside over something artistically brilliant, but then a few months ago, our debut commerical DVD started getting really strong reviews. In fact, when I went to buy the magazine with this one, I was struggling to pay for it in WHSmith without becoming overwhelmed in a good way.

I am still the same person who is prone to depression when living in the 9 to 5 routine and restricted by the boundaries of a conventional business role, but I am doing things that suit me and my personality. Just like I stopped drinking coca-cola and eating chocolate to get my migraines under control, I stopped doing miserable jobs that crushed me to control my depression. In this way really, it has been a benefit. I am not the kind of person that listens to doctors that advise taking pills to cure these kind of ailments. I have never taken any pills for my deperession. I used it as a useful sign that things needed to change. in fact the depression made it inevitable that thigns had to change.

And I may be cash poor right now, but I am establishing myself in my industry, and I have been getting the skills to get things done, and I am getting opportunities to do things. And actually, I have a workflow for when I do get a bit down. I know I can do other thigns, and I have always been comfortable with pondering over things for a bit to figure them out, which is something rarely afforded in a normal job. In fact long and medium term plans a generally only the domain of very senior management, if that.

Generally I have capacity to do things much better than when I was not self-employed and I do them to my own standards, whic hare generally much higher. And how many people working for other people can say that their work, which belongs to them in the sense that it took their time to do it, can actually take pride that they have done what they are trying to do to the best standard they would like it to be done. In fact how many people can actually tell you what they do, or what the point of their job is? I know a lot of people that not only struggle to explain what they do in their job, but what the point of their job is, because they do not actually understand it themselves. They do not know where their fit into whatever their business is doing. They just get a list of tasks and roles and do it. How can you get the quality people operating in a business with roles like that? I actually know of one business in the City of London where no member of staff seemed to know what the company actually did. I looked up their website and it seemed like their marketing guys did not know either.

I am also getting a much better private life. I have an adorable girlfriend who is incredibly supportive and understanding and a wonderful companion. She is also self-employed and takes an active interest in my work and wants to hear my plans and ideas, and she is just lovely. She looks after me so well, and I want to be a success even more so I can spend as much time with her as possible.

So anyway, maybe I am at one of these turning points now where the sweat builds a bit and I think "right going to have to do something a little bit challenging now and think about supplementing my income by working for someone else on a contractual basis". I might go through a bit of a cycle of feeling miserable about it, but I am getting better at it now, and I know feeling miserable about it does not mean that I am losing it, I am just going through my natural way of figuring things out. Often I think it is handy that it happens as I often think things through better and come up with better ideas. It is often now it is like "hmm, Im thinkign about doing this new thing, but there is just something niggling me at the back of my mind..." it might be a concern or it might be an idea, it can just take a little while for it to wiggle free. And often, whatever it is it feels a lot better when it is out.

I also think that when it comes to investment and people making decisions which place faith in your abilities, you really need to be getting into your 30's before people start to see you as having enough experience in life and business/the workplace before they really want to take a chance on you.

So really, I am like the boxer who has the 20 fights under his belt, and who has just had his first be win against a really notable opponent. Now I am looking around for a decent deal for my next fight.

Next week, Chapter 3

 

[TimmoB]

Hi Robert,

If you have shot some music videos, have you thought about working in the music touring industry. it is one of the industrys that seems to escape the downturn. You could porbably pick up work as a cameraman to start with and work up to directing your own tours.

It's great fun and you get to travel the planet.

I spent 10 years doing it, and had a whale of a time.

If you pm me i'll give you some contact names and numbers.

Cheers

Timmo.