Copywriters - please critique

directmarketingadvice · Sep 7, 2005

I've done a little copywriting in my time, but it's been mainly re-writes of really bad ads.

I've been putting together a letter which I plan to send to chiropractors in my area to see if it helps my pick one up as a client.

I decided to post it here to see if the "proper" copywriters would be willing to (gently) critique it.

There are a couple of things I'm dissatisfied with, but I would like an experienced view on it.

So, if you're a copywriter and have constructive and pleasant ciritcism, I'd be grateful for your opinion.

Steve

................

Dear XX XXXXXX

Give me just 30 minutes, and Ill show you how to get more clients without spending a single extra penny on marketing

I have a way I can increase your sales without spending any additional money on advertising or conventional marketing.

Its a system that identifies the marketing assets and opportunities that exist within a business. It uncovers the money-making opportunities that have been overlooked and increases the return from the existing sales and marketing activities.

I then work with the business to design and implement processes and systems to maximise the return from those opportunities.

And, because these assets and opportunities already exist within the business, this can usually be done without spending any extra money on advertising or conventional marketing.

The system is based on a combination of techniques Ive learned from a number of the top marketing experts in the world. These techniques are little known (even to so-called marketing experts) and have been used by literally thousands of businesses worldwide to run rings around their competitors.

While conventional marketing so often resembles a scattergun, where most of the time, effort and money is wasted on people who have no need for your service, these techniques are like a laser that targets true prospects in a way that allows them to fully understand and appreciate how you can help them.

This means, with the same amount of time, money and effort, you can often get double or triple the return.

These techniques have been shown to be effective in over 400 different industries, but work best for professional practices such as yours.

If youd like more clients, Id like to get together with you for a free 30 minute no-obligation chat to show you how I can help you increase your profits.

If this offer interests you, give me a call on (0131) 337 1504 and well arrange a time when we can meet.

Best wishes

Steve Gibson

PS Because my techniques dont involve spending extra money on marketing, I can guarantee my work. If, after our meeting, we choose to work together, I guarantee that youll get back double my fees in increased profits or Ill refund my fees in full.

Youll never get that guarantee from someone whos trying to sell you advertising. Even if they were to refund their fee, youd still be out of pocket from running ad.

So, if you want to know how to increase your profits without risking a penny of your money, call me today to arrange our meeting.

Jayne · Sep 7, 2005

Hi,

I'm not a copy write but it may sound more polite to say..May I have 30 mins of your time at the top.

Just a thought

Best Wishes

Jayne

Amber · Sep 7, 2005

Disclaimer: this is a very quick response, and just my first impressions, so I reserve the right to come back and change my mind later

You're definitely working along the right lines by consistently stressing the benefits to the potential client rather than the "features" of the product (something a lot of people tend to do!). I also like the use of the PS to reiterate the main thrust of the message that they can have a free consultation. (I like to hand-write my PS's to make them stand out even more. That way you can also personalize them much more: if, say, the business is in the next street, I'll say something like "As we're so close, why don't you pop in sometime?" or I'll make a reference to their website, or business name or something.)

My first impression is that the letter on the whole is perhaps a little on the long side. I'd maybe think about trying to condense your message into a smaller number of paragraphs, and trying to emphasise your main points using a headline and maybe some bullet points so that people who skim read will still get the point.

I'm not convinced by the opening paragraph: to me it sounds a little too generically "salesy", which I know sounds silly when it refers to a sales letter, but people tend to go for a more personal, tailored approach. At the moment it sounds too much like a mass mailing. Even something like "Would you like to get more clients for your chiropody practice, without spending a penny on marketing?" could work, because it makes the reader feel like your offering applies to them in particular, and solves a problem which they have. I would definitely try to get across the fact that your business is local to them, and that you're specifically interested in THEIR business.

I think you're also missing a call to action. You have an excellent proposition for them a free, no obligation consultation but you have nothing to persuade them to take you up on it NOW. It could be a good idea to set some kind of time limit on the offer - "call us before October 1st and get a consultation", for example, otherwise the tendency is for the reader to just think "that sounds good, I must do that", and then file it away and forget all about it.

As I said, these are just my initial thoughts after a quick look, but I hope it helps

Jayne · Sep 7, 2005

Oh heck Amber, how long are your big thoughts, you must type really fast

Mine fizzle out after about 3 lines :lol:

Jayne

Amber · Sep 7, 2005

lol! Nah, I've just had too much coffee today

Jayne · Sep 7, 2005

What sort do you drink? I'm going to get some

Jayne

directmarketingadvice · Sep 7, 2005

Amber

The first sentence,

"Give me just 30 minutes, and Ill show you how to get more clients without spending a single extra penny on marketing"

should be in bold, but the formatting was lost when I copied it from MS word (oops).

I've gone back and edited it (those who never saw the first one I posted, there was nothing in bold, so it looked like there was no headline).

I'll give a people more time to critique it before I respond to the comments by you and Jayne.

Steve

daveashton · Sep 7, 2005

Steve

Heading/ first line is far far to long and sounds like a get rich quick program

It has no punch because of the length and no bullet points, just lots of text.

Again your ps is amazing to long and actually longer than a whole promo letter I got today ( I just had to dig it out of the bin because they were 3 months to late) yuk :roll:

Sorry to question your judgement but as a sales development consultant are you sure that you are targeting the right type of business in the best way?
:shock:

Cornish Steve · Sep 7, 2005

Amber,

I'm impressed by your comments and agree with most of them. I took a short break from work to come up with a shorter, more focused version.

Steve,

Here is my suggestion. You need to add some concrete facts to bolster your case. Your original text contains a lot of hand-waving and vague claims. I've tried to come up with something a little more specific.

************************************

Dear XX XXXXXX

Increase profits through effective marketing

Are you willing to spend 30 minutes of your time to increase your return on investment in marketing? With my proven system, I can guarantee that youll see significantly better results than you see today... without spending more money. What do you have to lose?

My name is Steve Gibson, and I have worked as a business consultant for x years. By conducting an objective assessment of your current marketing programs, I can identify potential moneymaking assets and opportunities within your company and turn them into profitable new initiatives. More than that, I can work with you to design and implement the processes and systems needed to maximise the impact of these new initiatives.

My marketing system takes advantage of techniques used by many of the worlds top performing companies. The numbers reveal that these companies outperform their competitors many times over. One of the keys to success is focus, and my system helps you to target valuable new prospects with precision.

If you would like to learn more about my system and the services I offer, please call (0131) 337 1504 to schedule a free 30-minute meeting. You are under no obligation, and Im sure youll be excited by my ideas about how to increase your company profits. If, after our meeting, we choose to work together, I guarantee that youll earn double my fee in increased profits or Ill refund my fee in full.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

epiphany · Sep 7, 2005

Steve, hi

Firstly don't take my comments seriously as I am a designer and coder not a copywriter

I honestly got bored a few paragraphs in so I haven't even read the major content of your letter, this isn't your fault as I can never be bothered reading anything that looks long; and especially anything that promises something really good for free. I am a strange creature

My perspective on your letter is from someone that deals in visuals so here it is...

I would say a lot of people in business skim read, especially successful people that don't perceive they have a lot of time to read a random sales letter that pops through there door. This is not to say that everyone is like this but you will get a few people that cant be bothered reading a letter that is anymore than a paragraph.

To combat this I would do one of two things.

a. I would do one of two things. Make it short and snappy with some major hook (like the PS)

b. Or have the same letter now with the suggested edits but have some sort of graphic up top that visualises what you are saying in the pm but only takes a millisecond to understand. If that makes no sense at all let me know and I will draw you an example

I would also think of some little graphic design elements to the letter like custom bullets to make the whole think look more professional

I hope that helps

Terry

Richard Glynn · Sep 7, 2005

Hi

Couldnt resist tinkering.

Ive reduced the offer time to ten minutes. 30 minutes talking to someone prattling on about marketing (the perception- not necessarily the truth!) doesnt get me moist with excitement. If they do call you, then use your skills to keep them talking longer as required. You can always make out youre doing them a favour by giving up more of your time!

Personalise the letter with the name of the company. Give the impression you have already looked at their business and may even understand it. If I see my company name in the title and main body of someones letter Id immediately think its relevant to me. Database mail merging time is time well spent.

Ive used bullet points to break up the text.

And Ive incorporated some of the other good ideas already mentioned.

(It's probably still a bit longer than ideal length. Sift out the flannel by thinking what Chiropractor's want to hear - not what you want to tell them)

BEGINS

Dear <name>,

How to win more business for <Chiropractor's Name>s without spending a penny on marketing

Last year I helped more than <number?> clients enjoy an average increase in profits of more than <number?> percent. And now I want to do the same for you.

In just one ten minute phone call

>> Ill identify your potential moneymaking assets and opportunities within <company name>
>> Ill then tell you how to turn your assets and opportunities into profitable new initiatives.

I make this offer because Im convinced that just ten minutes advice on the phone will leave you wanting even more. And if we choose to work together, I guarantee that youll earn double my fee in increased profits or Ill refund the lot! YOU WONT PAY A PENNY!

>> Ill help you take advantage of techniques used by many of the worlds top performing companies.
>> Ill show you how they reveal that these companies outperform their competitors many times over.
>> And Ill help you target valuable new prospects with precision.

But dont take my word for it,

Steve is a marketing God. His advice has helped <company name> to treble profits in just 12 months. I only wish Id met him 20 years ago and I could have retired by now! <name, role, company>

Pour yourself a coffee and call me now on 0131 337 1504. Put me to the test! By the time you drink your last mouthful youll know exactly how to make <company name>s sales fly.

What have you got to lose?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

PS If you prefer, email me at <address> and Ill call you back at a convenient time.
ENDS

Cornish Steve · Sep 7, 2005

Richard,

This is really well done! You've added the excitement and enthusiasm needed to get a response.

clickprofits · Sep 8, 2005

I'll second that, nice job Richard. I hope Steve Gibson has provided an address for you to send the invoice.

directmarketingadvice · Sep 8, 2005

Thanks for all the replies.

Before I get into the various comments made, I'll explain what I was thinking before I posted the letter for critique.

Firstly my view of the letter was that, once I was happy with it, it was something I could send to local chiropractors (probably around 10 of them), but could later adapt for other industries/professions.

My approach was going to be as follows: send it out. If I get a call, great. If not, follow up with a phone call.

I had said that there were two things I was dissatisfied with. These were:

(1) I didn't feel there was that "push over the edge" that would get the reader to respond and respond now. Which Amber picked up on.

I had considered different approaches to this, including the notion of a "limited offer" or to point out that, ultimately, I'm only going to be working with one chiropractor in the area.

However, I didn't find a way that was honest, respectful and compelling.

(part of the reason I ame on here to seek advice)

(2) I never felt the letter grabbed the reader emotionally.

We've all seen sales letters that made good points but never got us in our gut.

For example, I've had loads of offers for cheaper electricity (who hasn't), but none of them have interested me enough to get me off my backside.

The sales people can say to me "you do want to save money, don't you?". And I've no logical answer. I just don't care enough.

And I felt that was a problem with my letter. Sure, businesses would love to get more clients without spending money getting them, but I don't think me letter got that over at the gut level where they felt the need to take action.

Some people have said that the letter was too long. I don't think that it was. It just seemed too long because it wasn't driving the reader forward. It was making valid points, but those points weren't building up a momentum.

Seeing the versions that Steve and Richard posted really brought that home.

Their posts have shown me that I have to go back to the drawing board with this. I'm going to take some time over the next couple of days figuring out exactly why their letters are so much more compelling than mine and use those lessons to do my re-write.

Thanks for the input, everyone. Hopefully, in the future, I'll be able to give each of you some helpful answers when you ask for advice on non-traditional marketing.

Steve

PS Welcome to the forum, Richard. I've been really impressed with your posts so far and I'm sure you'll get a lot of interest in your services as a result of the quality of your advice.

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Copywriters - please critique

directmarketingadvice

Jayne

Amber

Jayne

Amber

Jayne

directmarketingadvice

daveashton

Cornish Steve

epiphany

Richard Glynn

Cornish Steve

clickprofits

directmarketingadvice

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