Feedback on Advertorial

[DuaneJackson]

I've read/heard somwhere (probably a Jay Abrahams MP3) that people love a story, and a story is a great marketing tool. I've kept this in mind whilst preparing the text for my next advertorial inthe FSB magazine.

What do you guys think of it? I'm not certain myself because I'm not used to advertising by using a narrative. Does it sound too disingenuous?
I also need to think of a decent headline to go with it.

Three years ago I started my first business. I’d been employed as a computer programmer for a handful of big companies. I loved the work I was doing but genuinely felt I could provide a better service and of course, make more money, by starting up on my own.

Like most of us, I totally underestimated the amount of administrative work involved with running a business. The biggest chore was keeping the books in order. As a computer programmer I thought I’d easily get to grips with accounting software. So I dived straight in and bought a copy of Sage. I just couldn’t figure it out – I even went to the extreme measure of reading the manual. Eventually I managed to create an invoice. But so much of the language and options just didn’t make any sense to me.

The next step was to try some of the so-called “user friendly” accounts packages. I’m sure you know the ones I mean so I wont name the culprits! Admittedly they were slightly easier to use, but I still didn’t feel as if I was in total control of the accounts.

Eventually it dawned on me – all of these accounting packages are designed specifically for accountants. There was absolutely nothing out there for us owner-managers that didn’t have a degree in accounting.

I put together a small program that just did the basics for me; it produced invoices, and made sure the numbering was sequential. For anything more complicated than that I went to a qualified accountant.

By this time I was sharing an office with two other businesses. They’d had the same difficulties as me and both had gone back to using a spreadsheet and word processor. A survey we commissioned revealed that over half of small businesses were in the same boat.

That was two years ago. Since then we’ve brought in accountants to advise on various aspects of the program and gradually, based on feedback from people like you, we’ve developed it into a system that can be used by even the most innumerate of business person to track and manage their day to day bookkeeping.

The system is called KashFlow and 6 months ago we made it available to the general public at www.kashflow.co.uk (http://www.kashflow.co.uk). The response we’ve had from out first few hundred users has been truly amazing. As well as emails thanking us for “making it all so easy” we’ve also had lots of useful feedback which we have used to continuously improve the product.

A lot of our users are members of the FSB – readers of this magazine. So, if you are one of our many existing users I want to genuinely thank you for your support and input into KashFlow. Without you it couldn’t have become such an incredibly useful part of so many peoples daily business activity.

If you’ve not yet had a chance to try out KashFlow then you can register online at www.kashflow.co.uk (http://www.kashflow.co.uk) and be up and running in minutes. It wont cost you a penny – the first 60 days are totally free and it’s up to you to decide if you’d like to subscribe after that. Enter the pr_m_tional c_de FSBMEMBER to receive a 30% discount.

Thank you again for your support, feedback and kind words.

Happy accounting!

Duane Jackson
Managing Director
KashFlow Software Limited

[Jayne]

I liked that Duane, a little long, but it was more interesting to read than some of the long boring sales waffle and it felt like a real person has written it from the heart:D

Jayne

[DuaneJackson]

Thank you, that's exactly what I'm aiming for. It's important that it draws you in and you feel compelled to read it through to the end.

[Jayne]

To be honest, this is the first time since joining the forum, i've read one to the botton, so it must be ok :lol:

Jayne

[Coding Monkey]

I think the opening paragraph isn't as strong as it could be. You need something really striking that flows well. With the small sentences, I felt like more should have been there, but it made me pause and wonder what I was missing.

[Jayne]

But if he changes it Tom, it could get boring like the sales ones.

Jayne :D

[DuaneJackson]

Do you mean that I shouldn't start with short sentences? I've done that deliberately as that's supposedly "how it's done". I was hoping to make sentences 2 and 3 a lot shorter.

I see your point about it not grabbing you by the wotsits though.

[Jayne]

But that's why I liked it, it seemed real, not a sales pitch.

Jayne :D

[Coding Monkey]

I think the short sentences would work, but a question would lead to it. Yet, if a question is used, it might turn into one of those awful "Do you know how to make £1m in 3 minutes, 21 seconds?"

Looking over that first paragraph again, I'd remove " I’d been employed as a computer programmer for a handful of big companies. " or extend on it, and also remove/alter your honesty of making more money. I think it reads so it stands out too much without a sense of humour. Maybe even adding an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence would help.

[Admiral Collections]

I loved the first bit Duane, it sounded and felt real. I wouldnt mention Sage if I was you, when you did I kind of lost faith and thought 'Oh no, here we go another sales patter'. For me keep the first paragraph, then just chat about how you were stressed by other packages on offer, so you devised your own, then go into how successful Kashflow has been.

You give a free trial, plug that, say something like 'It worked for us, it may or may not work for you thats why we give you a free 60 day trial'.

Nic :wink:

[cjd]

Leave it be, it's good - it sounds real

(just fix the typo in "The response we’ve had from out first few hundred users ")

[DuaneJackson]

Thanks guys. Now I need some ideas on a headline that isn't to salesy but still grabs the attention. Any thoughts?

[Jayne]

Duane's World :lol: Get it!

Jayne

[Jayne]

Got another...

Even a monkey is smart enough to use Kashflow software :lol:

or

Why create work, Kashflow is easy,

or

Quicker bookwork, use Kashflow.

I'll think of some more

Jayne :D

[10 Yetis]

i am tired now... going to bed...
how about, " it is all about the KashFlow"
Or, "as they say in business life, KashFlow is King"

[Richard Glynn]

I Duane,

Nice story. There's a great book by the way called 'How to Move Minds and Influence People' by Iain Carruthers which is all about how stories can be used to persuade people. It's excellent.

30% off at the moment too!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0273663364/qid=1137746158/sr=8-3/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i3_xgl/202-2416270-4024618

On to the copy. Hope you're OK for some constructive criticism - but I think you'd be much better using a client case study. Use their story to reinforce your four/five key selling messages. This way hopefully the reader will say: "I'm just like that bloke who was helped by using Kashflow - if it worked for him it might work for me."

You've got a nice story at the moment - but it lacks a perceived impartial endorsement which I think is a missed opportunity.

The comment about the first paragraph not grabbing you was valid too.

Attention: e.g. More than 5000 small businesses save more than £500 a year thanks to Kashflow's accounting software
Interest: e.g. In fact small business owner Jeff Smith at Widget Ltd. says he couldn't lkive without it. A far cry from his days before Kashflow when <how bad was it?> <story how Kash flow changed things - 5 selling points - plenty of Jeff says: readable quotes.>
Desire: Now, thanks to Kashflow, there's no reason for any small business not to take control of their accounts and save cash
Action: And for a limited period all FSB newspaper readers can claim an exclusive free trial by calling <number>

If you choose to perservere with the text as is - I'd change it to the third person. Make it read as though someone has interviewed you and use quotes when you tell your story.

Good luck with it.

Cheers,

Richard

[DuaneJackson]

Thanks Richard,

I'm having some case studies professionally put together. I'll see if I can effectively rewrite this in the third person though.

Re a headline, I was thinking maybe "FSB Members Help Create New Product"

It's very dry but I think becuase the audience are all FSB members it might work.

Although I met get some grief of off the editorial staff with that headline.

[cjd]

I'll see if I can effectively rewrite this in the third person though.

Re a headline, I was thinking maybe "FSB Members Help Create New Product"

It's very dry but I think becuase the audience are all FSB members it might work.

Although I met get some grief of off the editorial staff with that headline.

I really wouldn't change it. It's an advertorial in a members journal not a straight advert in any old magazine. The personal approach works in the context of an internal magazine to its members. Many people are turned off by the standard marketing approach and would never read a long advert in the fsb mag - they might read a personal story of a success that they were a part of and can now buy themselves. It's a smart approach - don't spoil it.

I like the headline too, get's people involved.

[Richard Glynn]

Although I met get some grief of off the editorial staff with that headline.

Providing it's within ASA guidelines - if you're paying for it you can say what you like!!

[DuaneJackson]

OK, I've gone with Colin and kept it pretty much as is and gone with that headline.

If anyone is interested, I can let you know how the response rate to this compares to the response we've had in the past from more traditional advertorials in the same place.