Help! Need PR advice! FEEDBACK!

[sparklyscotty]

Ok guys, I had ideally wanted to outsource this task, but I have had 'hiccup' after 'hiccup' this year and the budget is gone.
I am launching a new colllection at a trade fair in January and need to work out text for postcards that will be sent to buyers, and will also feature in two large magazine ads.
I am really proud of the collection and am desparate for it to do well both for me and my little tribe of artists in Thailand.
Here's what I have so far (but with lovely big photos!):

"A new contemporary, fashionable and unusual collection. Exclusive to Chimerique Jewellery and showing for the first time in the UK!

Featuring silver handmade by tribal artisans using traditional techiniques.

Staying ahead of the trends is an important factor when buying new jewellery lines. Hill Tribe and Bali silver jewellery has been growing in popularity in the US, and is bound to explode onto the UK fashion scene in the near future. Chimerique is proud to boast an exclusive designer contract with Hill Tribe artists in Thailand* and is launching a new jewellery collection featuring their work. Be one of the first buyers to view this exciting collection at it’s launch at SITF, in Glasgow, January 2006.

*Jewellery with a conscience… Chimerique believes in promoting a fair wage and good working conditions, and buys silver exclusively produced by a tribe that have been awarded Fair Trade status. "

Any and all comments welcome, especially from any PR, writers or shops! -Angel-

[JustOneUK]

unusual collection should be "exciting collection" :)

(unusual sounds negative)

What? ..It's a start!! :)

[gapgb]

I would switch the text around a little bit. The first few lines and especially the headline are the most important part of the release. If you haven't got them hooked they wont read the rest.

You're targetting this at buyers you want to come to the show to see your collection. One of your last lines for me is the hook you should use.

Be the first buyer to view..

That for me is their interest to come and see something new and unique and with all the other details about Fair Trade, tribes etc something that sounds interseting.

You could also consider an incentive budget permitting if they turn up at the show with a completed enquiry form. We used to give maglites to engineers who came to a particular trade show with their form complete

Guy

[sparklyscotty]

I would like to put one or two lines on the front with images, and then the rest of the text on the back of the postcard.
So maybe:
"A new contemporary, fashionable and exciting collection. Exclusive to Chimerique Jewellery and showing for the first time in the UK!
[photos]
" on the front, and then
"Be one of the first buyers to view this exciting collection at it’s launch at SITF, in Glasgow, January 2006.

Staying ahead of the trends is an important factor when buying new jewellery lines. Hill Tribe and Bali silver jewellery has been growing in popularity in the US, and is bound to explode onto the UK fashion scene in the near future. Chimerique is proud to boast an exclusive designer contract with Hill Tribe artists in Thailand* and is launching a new jewellery collection featuring their work. All silver is handmade using traditional techniques and features exquisite detail and quality.

Bring this postcard with you to recieve a 5% bonus discount on any order."

on the back?

[clairemackaness]

Why not PM morethanwords and ebonybailey for some advice.

[sparklyscotty]

Thanks Claire. I am loving your butterflies by they way. They are one of the ideas I am playing with for a logo.
-Angel-

[creospace]

Hi,

My wife has some butterfly designs that may be of use to you, maybe I've mentioned it before but here is a link to see them. We only took the photos last week so they are fresh off the press as it were!

www.gitabembere.com/butterfly

This i just knocked up to show but I plan to completely redo the site next year as we start to take the business and her art work more seriously.

Gary

[billhilton]

I'd say cut, cut, cut - you can compress this quite a lot here. So, for example:

"Staying ahead of the trends is an important factor when buying new jewellery lines."

..can become..

"It's important to stay ahead of trends when buying new jewellery lines."

..and lots of other things like that. Compress it so that you get a concrete message across fast. People just ignore big blocks of copy.