Quick campaign needed!

[Hayles]

Hi

I have a shop that needs urgent marketing attention. Due to other commitments I've not done anything with it for a while and I need to move quickly so I don't miss the Christmas and New Year market.

The shop sells evening and special occasion wear, gifts and also bridal wear. I'm thinking of a quick postcard style dm campaign (have about 100 customer details on file) and would like your opinions on the copy below please. Am thinking of an A6 card, with our details and this copy on one side and just the customer's name on the other.

Please let me have your ideas on any improvements I can make.

Many thanks
Hayles


Hi!

Just a quick note to let you know we’ve got a new evening wear collection arriving this week – just in time for your Christmas and New Year’s parties!

And if you’re looking for a perfect Christmas gift for your mum, sister or best friend, have you seen our beautiful hand painted vases and glasses…? How about our handmade pearl jewellery…? Christmas ornaments…? Beautiful beaded handbags….?

No? Well, it must be time you called in to see us again…!

Hope to see you soon, Yvonne, Patsy & Betty


ps. Don’t forget our free gift wrapping service - saves you time and money!

[creospace]

And if you’re looking for a perfect Christmas gift for your mum, sister or best friend, have you seen our beautiful hand painted vases and glasses…? How about our handmade pearl jewellery…? Christmas ornaments…? Beautiful beaded handbags….?

I'm not a copy expert but I think I would read better thus:

Looking for that perfect Christmas gift for your mum, sister or best friend?
Have you seen our beautiful hand painted vases and glasses or how about our handmade pearl jewellery…? Then there's our Christmas ornaments and our beautiful beaded handbags…?

ps. Don’t forget our free gift wrapping service - saves you time and money!

Don’t forget our free gift wrapping service - it saves you both time and money!

Gary

[Hayles]

Thanks Gary, yours is much clearer. :D

Hayles